Blog // Trust and Secrets

"I trust everyone but it's the devil inside them that I don't trust" 
- Italian Job (Movie)

"How can you live without trusting people? There are more people who are good than people who are bad." 
- Mother "Please look after after Mother" (Novel)

Have you ever find yourself in a situation wherein you feel so lost because you don’t know who to trust?

Even if they assure you that your secrets are safe with them… you cannot bring yourself to spill the beans because you are so afraid of the consequences that might happen. In other words, you DOUBT them.

If you don’t trust them… then it is safer not to share your secrets because if you do… you just might regret it. Remember, you cannot turn back the time. Past is past and what happened already happened and you cannot efface all the things that had happened.

Lately, I’ve been contemplating to share a secret of mine to other people, but with all honesty I still don’t FULLY trust them. Are they really trustworthy? Can they keep my secret? Will they use my secret as something to make me do things that are against my will?

Or maybe I am still traumatize with all the backstabbing that I had experienced before. I trust everybody but it’s the devil inside them that I don’t trust. That quote is from the movie “Italian Job” and this applies to me because I know that no matter how much they seem to be trustworthy… some of them or maybe a few will still reveal my secrets to somebody… and … I don’t like it. I trusted them, how can they easily tell my secrets to other people?

I cannot understand people who assured you that you could trust them but for some reasons they intentionally make you realize that they are not WORTH IT. Trust is something I can give for free but if you stab me behind my back then it is already goodbye. I still consider you as my friend but I will never ever share my secrets to you again. Period.

Trust as well as love, friendship, is one of the greatest things in the world that money cannot buy. That’s why, if I want others to trust me… I don’t assure them with my words but with my actions and sincerity. I cannot assure them right away that “Hey I can keep your secret forever… don’t worry.” but the only thing I can assure them is that I don’t talk things that I am not allowed to.

Even if the person got mad on me… I kept my mouth shut because I want this person to realize that “our fights” will not jeopardize the “trust” he/she gave me… besides what will I get as a reward if I share the secret to other people? It will only create chaos and a lot misunderstandings and I am not the kind of person who wants to be an antagonist of somebody’s life. I like peacefulness and I hate fighting and war. I don’t like them at all. Those kinds of negative things make me go insane and I want to run away in that kind of situation.

How to trust people?

     1.  Whom to trust?

We must first enumerate the people who we think are trustworthy and test if they are really worth our trust. 

      2.  How much trust?

Next, is that we should gauge how much trust we need to give to the people. 100%? 50%? 99%? This is the hardest part and usually we get hurt through this process but there’s nothing wrong in getting hurt. At least we will be able to learn a certain lesson in life. Small secrets, hush-hush secret, very personal secret….

    3. What to entrust?

In every category of whom we should trust there is also the reciprocal kind of things that we think we should entrust to them.

But you know what? Most of the time… it is better to keep your mouth shut to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings. I have seen lots of friendship and relationship that were destroyed by sharing the secrets to the wrong people. 

Trust is very complicated to discuss… If I were you… be rational and reasonable in gauging and balancing the things that are connected to trust and secrets. 

Good Luck. Good Luck to me too. 

I decided not to share mine to them. This is not about being private but being careful.

Good day everyone!

Things that made me happy:

> Another day.

> Talking to my Elementary classmates. I am very happy because I finally get in touch with all of them. It's a nice thing to talk to the people that I haven't seen for almost a decade!

> Lychee Drink. Sooo YUMMY!

> Exercising. I love sweating the fats and calories off my body. It makes me feel healthy everyday.

> I am still ALIVE.

Collection Of Words 14: Let me be free (Written When I was 15 years old)

I was organizing my files in my laptop when I remembered about my "Literary folder" dated 2005. This folder contains all my writings from the time I learned how to express myself through words.

This specific entry entitled "Let me be free" was inspired by my high school experiences. I was hated by a lot of people and the only thing I could do back then was to write my emotions on a piece of paper.

"Let me be free"
By: Erica/Aki
Date: 2005
  

I thought everything was finally fine…but I was wrong.

I just forced my self to move on with my life carrying the wounds inside me. My tangible parts moved and go on with the flow of life but my inner crust was left behind waiting for the peace of mind to come.

The word “OKAY” is imprinted on my forehead…but as the times goes by…I realized that I’m not. My feelings didn’t change a bit. I wish it could be just a drawing on a piece of paper that can easily be erased…but these feelings are written in a permanent ink that no means of erasing could make it disappear.

I’m stuck for the zillionth time…I’m back inside my prison cell.

I can’t move on…for the reason that the tinniest hope still lives inside me. Hoping that someday…they would give me a chance to utter these emotions and let me be free at last.

 END

Today is "Friday Rush". Still sad? Yes I am. As always. I'm expecting and expecting... everyday, everyday and everyday.

Things that made me happy:
- Talking with him (No matter how short the conversations are)
- Talking with friends.
- Dinner with my mother.
- Behind the scene pictures from NATGEO.
- Banana song with a japanese kid.
- That I am HONEST.
- That I'm still alive.

Blog // Simple ways to ease the SADNESS

I'm  EMOTIONAL today. For some reasons I feel so heavy. I feel like there's a hole in my heart. It's difficult to breathe... It's painful... emotionally speaking.

Sometimes, feeling like this is inevitable... I used to run away from sadness and pretend to be happy in front of the people but I wanted to be HONEST... you have to be honest and face this emotion if you want to end your suffering.

4 Tips to ease the sadness:

1. Write.

This is for the people who don't have somebody to talk to... like me. Technically, I'm an introvert. Introverts are not good in spoken words but excellent in written words. Writing is one of my ways to get out the emotions in my head, in my chest, in my heart...Next time you feel sad... Try it, believe me, writing will bring peace in your mind.

2. Listen.

Listening to music is one of the best ways to ease the sadness. Whatever song you listen into will be great as long as you like it. As for me, I like to listen to acoustic, classical, instrumental whenever I feel BLUE (sad). I write while listening to music and my emotions naturally flow, my hands move on their own to create words that I'm writing right now.

3. Sleep.

It's difficult to sleep when you have lots of thoughts in your head. You always find yourself having a hard time closing your eyes and even if you count million sheeps... it's not enough. BUT, you have to rest your head, your mind and your body... don't be too difficult to yourself. There's still tomorrow, you can do all the things that you weren't able to do today... It's never too late to say what you wanted to say, to do what you wanted to do...

4. Talk.

If you're an extrovert, you could always find somebody to talk to. My advice? Make sure to find someone who will LISTEN to you, someone who will not interrupt you while you talk...

Let me share to you the great mixtape that I found online (http://8tracks.com/drunk-kisses/to-ease-the-heartache)...

Good Luck. Remember, TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. Enjoy today. Face Tomorrow with courage and DON'T GIVE UP. Pursue what you wanted to pursue... 
Don't be afraid. Spread the LOVE!

Things that made me happy: (Too many to mention but...)
- Free schedule.
- Making the designs for the Coffee Mugs.
- Writing letters.
- Gift wrapping my gifts for my students.
- Conversations with my students.
- Being told that I'm suitable to teach professionals.
- Being told to Enjoy my life. (I will... you too)
- Being told that I'm a great teacher.
- Making other people happy (Because this makes me happy too... VERY HAPPY.)
- Being told that they will miss me. (I will too... I can never forget. I will never forget.)
- Being told that I'm the best just the way I am.

Blog // Powerful word "SORRY"

(Photo from: www.123rf.com )

Are promises important to you? Is breaking a promise easy? What will you feel if somebody broke his or her promise to you?

Promises are important to me; especially if I'm the one who made them. Breaking a promise is easy as ABC... this is the REALITY. If somebody broke his or her promise to me, of course I will definitely feel BAD.

For some reasons, making promises is very easy for us but fulfilling them is difficult. Is it because of some circumstances that are inevitable? Or is it because we tend to forget the promises that we actually made? By BREAKING it... we should always remember that there are people who will feel bad, sad and disappointed.

This week... I unintentionally hurt a friend of mine by making a promise that I wasn't able to fulfill. I made my friend very excited but look what I did... I made her disappointed. 

I said "Sorry"... she has forgiven me already and you know what... I learned my lessons. I don't break promises and this is the first time for so many years. I wanted to make my friend feel better and saying "SORRY" is the only thing that I am capable of.... for now.

At the end... I feel relieved because we're okay now. I told myself that I will not going to make her (my friend) feel bad again. I treasure my friends very much because they treasure me too. I think it's only right and just to give the exact same feelings to them.

SORRY... made me HAPPY and RELIEVED.

Things I learned:
- Don't make a promise if you're not going to fulfill it.
- Say "Sorry" and make sure you mean it.

"MERRY GO ROUND" week. A lot of things happened and I am very THANKFUL for everything.

Things that made me HAPPY:
- Comedy jeepney ride with down to earth passengers.
- Laughing out loud with strangers.
- Haruto-kun letter and origami (5 years old Japanese kid)
- Conversations and laughing with my students.
- "You're a good teacher."
- Loving parents.
- Understanding friends.
- That I am still alive and breathing.
- Being told that I'm an interesting person. THANK YOU!

What's up: I am CINDY (Cinderella)

If I am going to paint what I am feeling at the moment... it would be the usual gray and black shade. Neutral Tone.

As I am typing this... my thoughts are Tangled. Confused. I can't even express my real emotion.

What happened today made me realize that I am a WEAK person. A chicken. Weakling. How I wish I could be like my friends who are strong, who have the guts to fight for their rights... but as for me. I STILL can't.

I hate fighting and bickering as much as possible, but in this certain case it is inevitable. I have to stand up and be strong in front of  the people who are trying to ruin me. I have to be independent. It is sad because I am the kind of person who always needs protection... but this time, I want to lean on myself.

I never thought that I will be able to meet people who could make me feel that the world is full of evil beings. I am a nice person but please... I am begging you not to take advantage of this. I already begged them many times; but what did they do? They took advantage of it. I HAD ENOUGH. 

Yes. I am CINDERELLA. Why? because my shoes went missing. I terribly hate LIARS and LYING. I can't tolerate them... white lies are okay but BIG LIES are NO-NO.

I therefore conclude that PRINCE CHARMING don't exist. My shoes are now in the hands of someone who is a GUILTY LIAR. I feel very sad, because I wasn't able to get back what is really MINE.

However, I AM A LUCKY person. My friends and parents are very supportive and they have given me courage to be strong and advice on how to treat the people who are trying to pull me down. Crab Mentality is everywhere. Beware.

Tomorrow is another day. I will do what I can to fight for my right. Good night. Good night.

Things that made me happy:
- Grapes
- Laughter of my coworkers
- Banana Song
- Talking with my students
- Sounds of Baby's laughter
- The texture of My soft bed

Things that made me sad:
- LIARS
- Lying
- Back stabbers

Blog: 10 Honest Answers to 10 Deep Questions That Will Free My Mind

Ciao! Si! Italian... for the past few days, I've been into learning L'italiano. It was the influence of my lovely co-workers. Learning a different language is like travelling to another country and this is what I want to do in the near future. TRAVEL. Unfortunately, I cannot take my plans into actions right away because my fund is kind of hitting the negative since I've been into the state of idleness for 3 weeks now. There's some problem in my workplace that I don't want to elaborate here but I am praying for extended patience. I am hoping for a brighter tomorrow and I will be waiting until SUNDAY.

So today or tonight (because it's 9:21 pm here in my place) I am going to share the 10 questions that I encountered in marcandangel.com entitled "50 questions that will free your mind". 50 is a big number so I only chose 10.

1. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Answer: Helping others. I will never get tired of this. Even if this will not make me rich I will do anything I can to help other people.

2. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Answer: Honest answer. YES. I will. I will do anything... EVERYTHING to save my loved one.

3. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Answer: Canada. Fort Mc Murray. Aside from the fact that my aunt is there... after seeing the scenery in the pictures... it makes me want to see the place vividly with my own eyes. I feel like I can actually live there and be happily surrounded by NATURE.

4. Why are you, you?
Answer: Because I chose to be ME. By the choice that I made... I learned a great deal of lessons. I'm always me and I noticed that I annoyed people, they misunderstood my intentions, they called me weird and strange. But I don't think so. I beleive that everybody is DISTINCT from each other. What other people think about me is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. My friend taught me this.

5. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
Answer:  Yes. I made a mistake back then. Mistake that already belong to the PAST but since I learned a lesson from them, they influenced my NOW. 5 years ago.... that specific event still matters.

6. If not now, then when?
Answer: When my circumstance allows me to. I cannot just jump into something without measuring the up, down, left and right of my surroundings. If I am ready, my inner self will talk to me and she will say "Go!". but right now... I'm in the state of Contemplation and Confusion. I'm doing my hardest to clear my view.

7. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
Answer: MORE WORK. I love getting busy. I love a hectic schedule... I love working.

8. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Answer: Being alive is when you do things that are too mainstream. You go with the flow without actually listening to your own mind and following your heart.You do things that other people do. Truly living is when you do things that you really like, following your heart and although scared you do things that you think will make you a better person.

9. DECISIONS: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
Answer: Unfortunately, I'm still letting others influence mine. My parents. They are playing a BIG PART in my decision making process. Parents are ALWAYS right. In my opinion. It's not about letting them run my life but it's about RESPECTING their advice.

10. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
ANSWER: Because I am tired of experiencing PAIN. Mistakes bring lessons into our life as well as emotional, physical and mental pain. Mistake-Pain-Lesson. That is the process.

The remaining 40 questions will be answered in my diary. I just want to share this 10 answers because this week I experienced TOO MUCH confusion. Somehow, answering marcandangel questions helped me to slowly clear my mind. I just hope that tomorrow the thing that I am expecting to happen will happen. Of course I will do my part to make it happen.

GOD BLESS EVERYONE.

Things that made me happy:
-My grandmother's good mood.
-That I am ALIVE! which means I still have many chances to improve my LIFE.
-Home made jelly.
-Oreo cookies.
-New ebooks.
-Reading books.

PS. Last Sunday. He was in my dream again.

Blog // Dream it. Plan it. Do it.

Hello there. Today's Wednesday. It's exactly 8:04 pm. I've eaten my dinner; salad (lettuce, tomatoes, tuna and corn). HEALTHY LIVING!

A lot of people noticed that my eating habit became "Vegetarian" like, but honestly I'm not... I still eat meat (pork and beef) once in a blue moon, noodles once a month, junk foods once in a while but it's a NO-NO for soda and alcoholic drinks. I stopped drinking soda when I was still 17 years old and that was almost 6 years ago. As for alcoholic beverages.. I am not a fan of it that's why I only drink once a year. Christmas or New year... THAT'S IT.

I am starting to shift or change my habits and lifestyle. I'm starting to drink tea (Green tea), I stopped drinking coffee, I am starting to read books again because reading is a part of me, I am starting to draw and doodle, I am starting to write stuffs about life, I am starting to listen to calmer songs (instrumental, alternative, mori music), I am starting to talk to strangers again, I am starting to eat vegetables and fruits and minimize my white rice intake. Most of all... I am starting to smile and laugh again.

As for the changes I made... I was really contemplating last year about change. I was worried and afraid that I might lose my "True" self if I do this. I couldn't decide! Reason why I'd been into the state of idleness. Moving on was painful for me but I told to myself that I have to do it. Finally, I started to shove all my negative thoughts to the other side and let the positive thoughts enter my view. I even changed the color of my room (tulip beige), changed all my clothes (I had enough with my all black clothes).

Look what happened! I can say that I am HAPPY! Contented. Overwhelmed. I feel so blessed. I can't explain but from the time I decided to change and be happy even if a lot of bad things happened to me; I failed, no money, left by my friends, was insulted and constantly backstabbed last year... I feel very light. It is as if all the heavy things I carried the last time disappeared and was replaced by the ever comforting wind. I feel like I was touched by the hands of God and he was the one who helped me to stand up and organize my life.

I am happy with my job. I am happy with my new gained friends. I am happy with my old true friends. I am happy with my respectful students. I am happy with the things I have right now. I am happy.

It was only last year that I dreamed of having this kind of things to revolve around me. I started planning my future... and Now... I am working on it. Doing it is the most hardest part. I need to invest a lot of efforts but I am willing to give my all this time. There's no turning back. Focus. Concentrate. No pain, No gain.

I am not going to waste the second chance He had given me. I am learning to embrace my life, myself and everyone. I have my wings now... I only need to learn how to fly. To fly towards my Air castle.

I am a dreamer. I planned... and I am doing it now. Taking my plans into ACTION.

I know and God knows you can do it too. It takes time but you need and have to BELIEVE. 

GOOD LUCK!

Good night Everyone. Don't forget to spread the love.

I love. I like. THE WORLD.

Things that made me happy:
>Passing the Civil Service Examination for Professional
>Enrolling to Post Graduate School to get my MBA
>Exercising with all my heart (ZUMBA)
>Eating my salad
>Studying Foreign language (Italian, Nihongo, Mandarin, Spanish)
>Reading books. (1Q84)