Photo by: Erica
Date: August 12, 2013
Title: Raindrop
There is something in me that no one will be able
to accept (I think). This something is the reason why I always hold back with I want to
do, what I want to show, what I want to say…
This something… I have this since the beginning. I am afraid
that maybe one day all the people I treasure will avoid me, will go away..
again… will I be able to take it? I remember the times when people avoided me. It
was a terrible experience… I asked God… “Why don’t you just let me die if you
are going to let me experience this isolation?” I was simultaneously INVISIBLE
and VISIBLE.
I am invisible every time I do good things to other people…
but I am very visible every time I do mistakes. For some reason, people only
notice me for my mistakes. They feed me with lies that I am WORTHLESS, that I
am NOTHING, that I am NO GOOD… They made me imprisoned myself in my own world.
I created barrier so that people will not be able to enter the world I created…
with myself I thought I found peace,
serenity… I was the only comrade of myself… the only one who could protect me.
But… even if I was contented inside my world… I felt like I
wanted to break free and turn on the light and live with brightness. The constant
darkness that embraced me suffocated my soul causing me to be someone who I was
not. Back then, when I looked on the mirror; I couldn’t even recognize my
reflection… Distortion ate my skin and bones, deterioration killed the life on
my eyes, confusion abused my mind.
I asked myself… is this the life I wanted? There were too
many questions running in my head… questions that only I can answer. I laid all
the words on the table and tried to decipher the problems to formulate my
solutions. I focused my energy on every problem I had… but it was no used. Thinking too much made me weaker than ever
before. I became a lifeless human waiting for salvation.
However, the CRUEL WORLD thought me that Happiness is a
CHOICE. Slowly… upon realizing this I tried to stand up and break free from
everything I built from the time I isolated myself. I’m still incomplete… I can
still feel the constant pain in my heart as if there is something MISSING in my
life. I am still afraid. I am still shy. I am still embarrass to let myself
all out.
I think that this is maybe the reason why people can’t
understand me. But I learned that if I wanted to be understood… I need to
understand other people. If I wanted to be loved I need to give love. If I wanted
to gain friends I need to be friendly…
Human nature is a little cruel because if they see you do
good things, if they see your kindness towards others… people usually put
colors on everything that you do no matter how sincere you are, no matter how honest
you are, no matter how real your actions are.
Why should I care about what others think about me? In the
first place this is my life. The realization hit me hard causing me to find the
right path; the path wherein I saw the tiny bright light at the end of the
road. I am slowly walking towards it and I finally found people who can walk
beside me. They accepted me for WHO I AM. They accepted all my flaws and every
imperfection I have on my body… on my physical appearance… my outside shell.
But still… I am afraid that the new people I met who are
becoming part of my life might not be able to accept this something I have. I’m
worried because I want to protect what we have… but if they can’t accept me… I
should learn how to let go of them. I should prepare myself for the possible
heart break and heart ache that might happen caused by rejection.
If there is something I want right now… that is ACCEPTANCE.
Lessons learned: I should be myself ALL THE TIME. Do not be too SENSITIVE. Ignore people who are trying to ruin me.
Things that made me happy:
-Simple conversation
-Home made Caesar Salad
-One day rest day
-Hot Cacao drink
-Vegetables and fruits
-Cranberry Juice
-That I am still Alive
-True friends
-Another day
-Him (one sided)
-People who are wishing me to get well (Thank you very much)
The depressing weather cause me to write this. Yes, I'm a little sad but I think it's natural... I can't be happy all the time because sometimes I encounter problem that only I can solve.
Good Luck!
