Depression and Their Advice

Almost a month ago I enrolled for a TESOL Program and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made this year. For someone who is experiencing depression for almost a year and a half (or longer). I need a break from all the drama, anxiety and negativity. I need to be away from people who keeps on pulling me down; from people who are giving me unnecessary attention. I actually came to a point wherein I just wanted to slap these people on their face and have a wrestling match with them just to end what I’ve been experiencing.

Of course, I know that my part in this freaking annoying depression is quite huge. My subconscious mind, the voices on my head got noisier this year and I can’t make them stop. Let me also add the heart breaks, the rejections and betrayals… so tell me who will not feel depressed?

I have been feeling like I am so worthless, that I do not have any purpose in this world, that no matter what I do I will always end up in the exact same place… dark corner of an empty room called FAILURE.

Let me go back to my point. During the past five weeks, I was able to meet new people. People who thought that I was a foreigner, who didn’t know how they’re going to talk to me. I remember that I was reading a book about Japanese Women (An Anthropology book) and I actually felt the same way! I was too shy to talk to them and we ended up smiling and nodding to one another. These people are giving me opportunity to relieve my depression.

I can say that I am more confident in conversing with foreigner and this is the reason why I act and talk as if I’m a member of different kinds of community. Working with Japanese, Korean, Chinese and even Vietnamese allowed me to adopt some of their cultures and customs. Talking with my Canadian uncle gave me an opportunity to broaden my knowledge in English as well as practice my speaking skills.

Okay, going back… First week was over, came the second, third, fourth… fifth. Every week, we have a free talking session after lunch. This is time where our mentors will let us choose a card with questions written on it. Truly, all the cards I pulled contain personal questions such as “How do you cope up with stress?” “Tell about the time when you were disappointed.” “Have you ever felt so lonely in your life?” etc… I answered the questions as precise and concise as possible but they got curious about me.

During break time, they will ask me a lot questions. Last Saturday, my British mentor talked to me and he made a good guess about me:

-          I am an only child.

-          That my father is a military man.

He said that he can understand why I am the way am. He can understand my situation. I rarely meet someone who’s genuinely emphatic towards my situation. I am not saying that my friends are not… but it’s a different kind of empathy. He… they allowed me to talk and voiced out the things on my head, the things that bother my heart because I’ve been having a hard time… no this is the most difficult time of my life because I almost ran out of words to express how I really feel.

I am not going to be dramatic although it will sound one. The months of August and September are the most crucial months. I literally broke (I still am) down and I just want to end everything. I wanted to rest for eternity. I just couldn’t/can’t go on because the emotional pain that I’ve been feeling for quite a long time is eating me all up.

I would sometimes cry in front of my mother and she didn’t really know what to do with me anymore. All I feel is pain and I can’t breathe. It’s too difficult. It’s like my head would explode, my heart would crushed and… I feel so empty. I’m just a blank space, an empty shell, a nobody.

I am traumatized with the bullying I had before and even if I tell to myself that I have already forgiven those people… I can still hear their voices, I can still see my younger self enduring the evil things they’ve done to me. And these experiences caused me to be severe to myself. I am a perfectionist to the point of hurting myself if I make a mistake.

Here’s what they told me.

At first they find me so weird or unique. They said that it was their first to meet someone who devour books like a food, who has a strong mind control, sociable introvert… someone who is ironic.

They told me that I must not care about what other people think about me because at the end of the day, the way I think about myself is the only thing that will matter.

I should try to avoid being pessimist. I have a Master’s Degree, I’m an Accountancy Graduate, I’m an English Instructor, I can speak, I can talk and write deeply, I play instruments, I am not disabled and I inspire people around me… these things are what separate me from other people. If they give me their attention, it only means that I am different from them, if they look and stare at me it only means that I don’t look like the others, if they try to pull me down it only means that I am already ahead of them. If people are avoiding me, I don’t have to feel so bad about it because in building connections and relationships that will last for a lifetime it must be Quality over Quantity.

And it’s really overwhelming because even if it has only been a month since I’ve met them, they are embracing my flaws as if they’ve known me for a long time. They told me that if ever I need someone who will encourage me or at least to lift me up, they are willing to talk to me about self-confidence. And I am very thankful.

I always feel so lonely and I am too shy to ask for someone to accompany me because of my toxic behavior right now. I’ve been talking about death all the time which caused my friends to avoid me. I can’t blame them and I am sorry.

I am afraid… but if I am going to continue like this I might really disappear. But just like what my uncle told me “You’re a clever girl and you are actually strong. Just focus on what you have to do.”

Aside from the fact that I am learning new things, meeting new people… I am also gaining the power to exercise positivity… slowly (well, at least!).

After this TESOL Program, I’m going to continue to study because I am happy whenever I study. And even if there some who ask me why I always study or if I ever feel like I am wasting money in school… I should just try to enlighten them that Education is a continuous process (but I think it will be better to avoid them.)

So there… the question “How are you?” is just too difficult to answer and if ever I acted aloof in replying to you guys… please be kind to me.

Erica.

Any mistakes in grammar? PM me. Thank you.

Birthday Blog Part 1

Happy Birthday to all those people who are celebrating their birthday today (September 6, 2015). I have been writing a birthday blog since... I started this blog.

To be honest, I had a different plan for today. However, due to my unpredictable schedule, I couldn't put it into action. That's why I decided to have a simple celebration in our house.

I hope I'll have an opportunity to do what I planned before this month ends because I've been desirous to do it since the year started. 

Instead of making a wish list for this year, I wrote a Birthday Resolution. I decided to lessen my usage of "I will not" and increase my usage of "I WILL". Obviously, the latter is in positive form and I want to exercise positive things in my life! I am so tired of the darkness.

I WILL BE LESS SEVERE TO MYSELF

My intimate friends know how severe and strict I am to myself. Mind control is something that I do everyday... almost the same as breathing, it's easy for me to resist some worldly things yet it's too difficult to resist things directly related to my emotions. I'm the definition of IRONY. I possess things and traits that are opposite of each other. Reason why only few people can understand me. Okay. Enough!

I WILL GIVE MORE TO MYSELF

Yes, it's true. I've been self-less. I always give and give until I became an empty shell. It's tiring, frustrating... and doing this often deprived me "love" which is truly for myself. I might sound egocentric, believe me I am not.

I WILL BE MORE KIND AND COURAGEOUS

Kindness is an inherent trait, but courage is a trait that you have to develop in order to survive in this competitive world. I know that I lack courage. I am still afraid to step outside my comfort zone. However, I've learned that things which are uncomfortable to do, difficult and seem impossible to achieve are actually the things that will make a person strong. I realized that it's okay to commit mistakes and you don't have to be embarrassed because everyone have been there. Learn from those who are experienced in the trade you are venturing, listen to them and imagine.

So yes, I have a long list and most of them are personal.

I will eat more fruits.

I will drink wine. (For my heart)

(With Mama Nhelz!)

(At the cemetery)

How about you? Have you ever written a birthday resolution?

Have a nice day! but in my case... Good night!

Things that made me happy:

1. Greetings from the people who are important to me! Thank you.
2. Eating with my friends, cousins and relatives.
3. New books! (I bought for myself!)
4. Visiting my Grandpapa and my baby brother at the cemetery.
5. Taking funny pictures and videos. (For keepsake)
6. Talking to my friends.
7. My very supportive and self-less mother. I love mama bear!