"Lessons once learned are so hard to forget it though..."
Middle of Nowhere by Ellegarden
I once believed that if you would not mind what other people say to you... everything would be okay. But closing your ears from the world, from reality is difficult as swallowing a number of pills without water and with a dry throat.
You know, I've been thinking that maybe the problem is within me or maybe the problem is me. No matter how clean you are, no matter how kind you are, caring and thoughtful you are, sincere you are, and honest you are... there will be people who'll criticize you for everything that you do.
Stress and depression are like magnets that are pulling me to the center of gravity called darkness. I am in the middle of nowhere and I am desirous to turn off all the lights, shut down all my circuits, and cut myself off from the world. I don't mean that I want to die, all I want is a few days of straight slumber... without waking up. I need to re-charge for I feel like I am overly used by people. Why? I feel so tired with everything. I see the world with its monotonous appearance. People looks the same. I hear the same thing everyday. I see the same thing. Everyday seems like yesterday... no change. It's like I'm in a place where it is simultaneously quiet and and noisy.
Going to places where other people USUALLY go made me "USUAL". By doing the same thing that other people do... these things sucked my uniqueness. It absorbed my very identity reason why I feel like I became one of them.
But then, my greatest foe is MYSELF. That's right. My inner demons are trying to ruin me. They are pushing everything aside to make way for my deepest and darkest thoughts. My defenses are being crashed and smashed into tiny million pieces. Every foundation I built to secure them from their container are being broken. Their unity is astounding!
The funny thing is, people around me always assume that the cause of my overwhelmingly dark aura is my love life. Oh no. Love life. Men. This is not the right time to think about them. My love life caused me stressed and a broken heart. Besides, I will never push myself onto someone who clearly doesn't want me. I had enough of it.
And when I look and stare at myself on the mirror. I see the very vision of EMPTINESS, BROKENNESS... after absorbing all the negativity of others who poured their hearts on me... I have no one to listen to me; to release myself from this misery.
What am I saying? What the hell am I saying again? Ah... yes... I am in the part where I want to say I am very tired. I am so tired. I am so weak... you know what I want? PEACE OF MIND. But I guess, it will be a long journey for me to see the light again.
Christmas is coming... but I can't feel anything. Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ... I don't need gifts or anything. For now, It's more than enough that I can write on my journal to talk to HIM. Right now, I can feel that He's the only one who is really willing to listen.
Have a good night.
Sincerely,
Erica/Erix
Things that made me happy:
THAT I AM STILL ALIVE.
