Book Thoughts: The Color Purple by Alice Walker

Spoiler Alert!!!!
Rating: *****

(Photo by: Erix L.)

I like browsing and visiting bookish websites, particularly Goodreads and Book Riot. I am also fond of listing down books that I want to read, books that were banned, books that are controversial and so on and so forth. In almost all those websites , Alice Walker’s “The Color Purple” has been always present. What intrigued me the most was that it was included in the list of banned books.

I was tempted to buy a brand new copy; however, I’m a thrift shopper, secondhand addict and used books collector so I did my best to dig though the old books whenever I visit hippie stores. I found my copy, which is a 1983 paperback edition and you know what... the seller even gave me a discount.

My thoughts:

I have just started to seriously involve myself in reading literature related to slavery, racism or whatever you want to call it. I have a copy of “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” that I haven’t read yet and a signet collection of literary works written by "black" authors/writers. 

The Color Purple represents the life of Celie. I don’t want to spoil the story here so I will just express my reflections, realizations and comments.

All I can say is that, yes, no wonder why the books had been banned. The book is quite straightforward and revealed a lot of things about the life of black people. May I stress the ff:

1. Men treated women as next to “nothing”. They only see women as instrument for procreation. They considered women as a very low kind of individual who must follow what the husband will instruct them to do. Women were not allowed to gain knowledge because men think that they should not become smarter than them. What would a man do with a wife who knows things that he already knew (more than he knows)?
2. God resides in you. Not in church, not in a specific place… He is everywhere and only those who will look inside themselves will find him.
3.  Most people have been ostentatious on how they glorify God, but what they only want is to reap praises from the others. Glorifying Him through appreciation of the things around you is enough to make him feel well loved because God is everything.
4.   Having a number of wives is considered “okay” or at least “moral”.
5. The feeling of watching the land of your ancestors being robbed from you is heart wrenching and frustrating. It reminds me of the history of my country wherein a number of countries conquered it. But past is past… you can always forgive and never forget… but burying grudges is not acceptable. Time flows, people change… but the past will be forever etched on the path that has been traveled by time.

In the agency I am currently connected with, the Gender and Sensitivity Program has been rigorous that’s why the book really affected me. I was seen by my colleagues shaking my head, nodding with my eyes enlarging because of some parts that were a little difficult to be immediately absorbed by my brain, my heart and my mind. (Drama!) 

Nowadays, the government has been working really hard to expedite awareness on Gender Equality in work environment. Well,  think it’s about time for men to realize that women are also capable of doing the so called “men tasks”. On the other hand, if women wants to be taken seriously as equal to me, they should not expect to be treated in a specific way because for sure they will not also treat men in a specific and special way. This is my opinion, please respect. I also respect the opinions of others.

As for me, I don’t expect men to give up their seats on the train, or to open the door for me, to carry my things because I want to be treated as equal. Of course, if men will insist to help, why not let them… but I will not expect. No expectation, no disappointment, no frustration, less comment, less misunderstanding.

FAST FORWARD:

Just a little caution, the accent and tone of the book is quite contagious. 

I can say that I may not be able to forget the story. This book is worth to keep.

Sincerely,

Erix L.

Book Thoughts: Lisa Genova's Still Alice

Spoiler ALERT: Do not read if you haven't read the book yet.
Rating: ***** (5 Stars)

(Photo by: Erix L.)

To my relatives who might be reading this now, my sincerest apology. Everything that is written here happened. Everything that is expressed here, I felt. And I hope you will not judge me for being honest. I do hope you’ll ask this question before you conclude that I am a hypocrite person: “How could someone who has not been there possibly understand?”

“Still Alice” by Lisa Genova is one of the powerful books I have read so far this year. I have read Og Mandino, Italo Calvino, M. Scott Speck… Toni Morison, but Still Alice gripped my heart so hard like a steel. During the hours I spent reading the book (around 24 hours), there had been a force that pushed and pulled me in and out from the shoes of my grandmother who has Alzheimer’s disease. According to her doctors, the mild stroke she experienced almost 10 years ago triggered her dementia when she was still around her late 60’s.

Of course, my family did not really take it into utmost consideration. We (yes, including me) considered her “memory gaps” as associated with old age without realizing that the symptoms she had been showing back then was of Dementia. As the time went by, my grandmother has shown fluctuation on her attitudes and moods (based on my observation because I have been living with her with only a room that separates us). Some of the things I can underscore here are the ff:

         

•    When she was looking for her undershorts, which had been lost for… I don’t even know how many years! She became suspicious of our maid, blaming my mother for letting the latter steal her undershorts.
• 
  
•     The money issues, her lost wallet that we could not find, jewelries that were lost, but found in a pocket of her old bag. Keys that were lost but were found in the deepest corner of our sofa.
• 
  
•     Of course, there were a great number of times concerning speech reprtition.
• 
  
•     Once, during breakfast, she threw bread at me. Once, she threw a knife at me.

There were hallucinations wherein she thought she saw someone hanging at the ceiling or someone standing by the door. She would always blame us for something that is not right, which is actually right. In addition, she put a lot of salt on the food she cooked. She drunk water and soda without realizing that she had just drunk.

Taking her medicine had been dreadfully worrisome, because she might drink her medicine all at the same time. Bringing her to the hospital for checkup (because she has diabetes) has been one of the things my mother dreaded the most. It’s too difficult to convince grandma to go to the hospital. In trying to do so, she would burst out, shout, scream and cry… she would declare “Let me die! Leave me alone! Get out of my house!”. Of course, my mother, as a daughter is always heartbroken every time these things happen. Who wouldn’t be? Just thinking about that this thing might happen to my own mother… I want to die right now.  (Oh shit… I am crying now.).

Unfortunately, one cannot avoid this disease. As what Lisa Genova has written at the end of the book, the medicine stated in the novel are fictitious. On the other hand, she had mentioned that there have been a number of ongoing studies on medicines that will slow down the progression of the disease.

I have realized a number of things and I also want my relatives to realize or to at least think about my grandmother… not think about her disease but to really think about her. There was a part in the book wherein Alice said that she wanted to be taken seriously even if she is sick. She wanted empowerment and not pity. She wanted encouragement and not avoidance. She wanted love and most of all… she wanted the people she love to remember the person she was once.

As I look back on the past, I remember my grandmother secretly giving me chocolates. Even if I am not the favorite granddaughter… thinking about it she had been so good to me. Although she was most of the time cold towards me, I can say that she is good mother because my mother is good to me. Who else would be my mother’s model, but my grandmother… her mother.

Some of you might say that I am a hypocrite because I have shouted at my grandmother, that I had been disrespectful, and that I am a thick skinned human being for writing this entry. But if you will only feel the way I have felt  from the day I started high school, the bullying, the depression, the insult… all the pain. You would somehow understand that too much oppression can cause someone to be introverted. And an introvert who is pushed to his/her limits would one day slashed out… all the way out!

There were times when I get so annoyed and frustrated because of my situation in my grandmother’s house, with my dreams that seemed too difficult to reach, with all the rejection and pain… I wanted to bang my head on the wall wishing that it will make me sleep to end the heaviness that I feel on my heart. There were times that I was tempted to kill myself and jump and threw myself across the street wishing that a car would run me down. There were times that I do not want to wake up anymore.

Yep. So I’ll end it here.

I am very thankful to Lisa Genova for writing the that talks about the story of so my people with Alzheimer’s Disease. This book, I believe will greatly help those who are caring for their love ones who have AD. I do believe that… there will be a time scientist will be able to find a cure… if not a cure, something that will slow down the effects of AD. Memory is so fragile… it’s like a thread made of glass and if we can only preserve them in a treasure box in our mind, we would do so, right?

Sincerely,

Erica/Erix/Eris

2015: Things That I Am Thankful For

This has been my yearly routine for the past four years. :) Amen to that!

I have been very open with my chronic depression and this has been the worst year so far. Seriously, I have often thought about death, killing myself, ending my life to succumb in endless sleep. Fortunately, something has saved me from the pits of hell: BOOKS.

(2015 Read Books. 59 books)

When I was in college, I swore to myself that I will read lots of books after gradation. However, there was the review school; teaching job, graduate school, as well as my job at the moment which prevents me from reading too much. But you know, reading time is the only time I find myself in peace with my surroundings. Therefore, I have acquired a large number of books this year and I do not regret letting go of the money I spent for them. Why? Because I can always meet my favorite characters and learn from them over and over again, while real people... they hurt me, they despise me, they want to inflict me pain and shame.

2015 made me realized how important being alone is. I actually like being alone than being with people. I hate petty conversation. I am lazy in talking, but when I talk about the things that interest me, I am talkative. I am a sociable introvert, remember? This caused me to become more friendly with strangers because I find them more genuine and sincere.

In 2016, I will choose the people around me more wisely.

Wishes Granted:

1.) To meet some of my former students (who eventually became my friends)

I randomly wrote this wish on my notebook and I was really happy when I met them. Long distance friendship is something I treasure a lot.

2.) Game of Thrones Book Set

When I learned that GOT was set in medieval times, I made a research and eventually bought the books. No regrets. Every cent was worth it.

3.) To visit Pinto Art Museum

The moment I saw the picture of the museum online and read the reviews... I told to myself "I will definitely go there this year". Thanks to my muffin who accompanied me and showed me how beautiful the place is. I have a plan to go back there with my Aunt this year because she has been practicing photography.

4.) Trip to Binondo

 








Although the day my parents and I went to Binondo to celebrate Chinese New Year was not so great... I was able to try the best dim sum ever... at least!

5.) Yamaha keyboard as MBA graduation gift

To have an MBA degree is on my Lifetime To Do List and I worked so hard to acquire it! Thinking about it now, my depression started the same time I entered graduate school, but my emotions had been an advantage because it inspired me to exert more effort and work harder. In the end, my mother gave me a keyboard as a gift, but honestly it was given to me because she wanted to learn how to play it when she was younger.

6.) To acquire TESOL certificate

Despite a number of negative issues revolved around our batch, we were able to pass the teaching demo. :) In addition, I have met new friends whom I trusted.

7.) New job and be with my family 

I miss teaching so much and it will always be in my heart. What is the point of my TESOL certificate if I will not use it? That's why I am going to make a plan this year and execute it. Making decision is something that always... bewilders me, but I have to act before it's too late. I do not want to have regrets when I get older.

And yep... my family; although we are not complete, having them during Christmas made the season more special.

Thoughts:

I am quite surprise that a lot of good things happened this year despite the ever presence of  Eris' shadow. 

You know, I've been thinking about so many things at the same and one of these is that I've been doing things to others I do not want to be done to me such as neglecting messages. I am guilty of not sending an immediate reply to my friends and relatives. The reason is that if someone reminds me of  another person whom has a connection with a certain painful experience, I tend to feel a pang of pain in my heart so I'd rather ignore the message for a while before writing my reply. That's why, one of my new years resolution is to be more emphatic towards the feelings of other people... because I know the feeling of being neglected. 

Have a blessed year!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

My Deformity

I am a deformed human being. I have cracks, holes and apertures caused by the constant hewing of insults and hurtful words. I have received a number of bullets and I let them hit me; although, I have tried to defend myself...yet always in vain. I have used my hands as shield, but always in vain. I have used my hair to cover my ears from the voices of adversaries, but always in vain. I have used every part of my body as a shield... as a defense, but then again... always in vain.

I let myself be blown away wherever the wind would take me for I am tired of resisting; for I am tired of defending myself; for I am tired of being a victim.

Deformity? What is Deformity? I believe that it is the highest form of art. I have been deformed and I am still continuously being deformed. Without these hideous physical and emotional traits, I will be nothing in this world; I will be nothing to them; I will be nothing to... to me. I have sacrificed the few beautiful traits I had to acquire something that will define me, as well as segregate me from the ordinariness of my surroundings.

Believe me, I have accepted my differences from others. The realization on how my uniqueness touches people's life was able to diminish the worthlessness I had used to define myself. Although, being me hurts other parts of myself, my desire to stop pleasing other people so as to be accepted in a society where everybody is a photocopy of everyone else, inspired me to be who I really want to be. 

This opportunity I am presently bestowing upon myself will hopefully pave way to my mastery of turning off my five senses, Neutral. The kind of life I have been so desirous of.

____________________________________________

I am so tired with my everyday life. I know that I should not complain because I have a job... but this is not what I WANT. From my first day, I have felt that I do not belong there. I cannot imagine myself doing the exact same thing over and over and over again. Yes. Yes. Yes. I should be thankful for what I have; however, if you're going to ask me about my goal in this world, my answer would be "To touch someone's life. To inspire. To lift up other people." Why? It is because I know the feeling of being trampled on, to be alone and lonely; the feeling of worthlessness.

When I was teaching, although, the salary was way way way tooooooo low, it made me feel so COMPLETE. Being able to make someone learn something new, make them understand... receiving sincere gratitude; intangible things like these are enough to make me happy. I always went home with my heart full of... hope and love. Nowadays, I am experiencing the EXACT opposite. (Cries silently)

That's why, if I have more money, I am going to invest it in a school or academy because my heart belongs in the ACADEME. It has been calling me ever since I stopped teaching. Nevertheless, I am exerting 100% effort in accomplishing my tasks because I want the salary being given to me by the government to be WORTH IT. In addition, I've had a number of opportunities to learn something new and to be exposed in a different kind of environment... although I am alone (not lonely) most of the time (which I PREFER).

The tiredness I have been experiencing since the first day of December caused me to isolate myself from the society I currently belong. I often have "me time" these days. I want to be alone and I enjoy it. I have started to talk to strangers again such as fellow book hunters, tea enthusiast and sales assistants, as well as shop owners. 

This afternoon, I went out to buy matcha green tea latte. I wrote the collection of words at CBTL, thus, the first photo. And then I walked until I found myself in front of the bookstore. It was not yet open so I sat in front of the store. A lot of people were passing by, but I did not care. I was concentrating with the books on the display shelves. And you know what, it was sooo relaxing!

And this is me at that time. My eyes looked so tired. I actually had a headache and extreme back pain, but I was like "Whatever".

This photo was taken last night. I did not want to leave the place... I wanted to stay a little longer, but I was sooo sleepy and my mother was there so, what choice did I have but to go back to the dorm and sleep.

So, yes. Depression attacked me this week. If you only knew how hard it is for me to re-focus my attention every day.

Sincerely,
Erica

Things that I am grateful for:

1. Checking all the items on my to do list.
2. Playing ukulele; the only instrument I have here in my dorm.
3. Book stare mode.
4. Drinking matcha green tea latte.
5. Roaming the city.
6. Talking to strangers and listening to their stories.
7. My mother.

ERIS IS HERE

I am on the verge disappearing. Again. Again. Again. I want to ask for help, but to whom? I will be just a nuisance, a bother. I feel so empty and I want to remove the the cage inside my body. The cage does not contain anything. It's a heavy burden that I am carrying everyday. I want to sleep for a very long time. I want to... I just want to disappear.

What am I doing here? What is my purpose? I am living a life that is not mine. But what is mine? I don't know.... I have no idea. I am so lost.

Everyday I pretend that I am okay, that everything is fine. People think that I do not have problems and they even consider me as someone who is living like a princess. But they know nothing about me... they know nothing about my deepest thoughts that always fall to death.

I imagine myself floating somewhere. I imagine myself as a leaf being blown away by the harsh December wind. I imagine myself as the autumn leaves being walked on by millions of people... dried, trampled... that will be replaced by the fresh leaves that will bloom in Springtime.

I am tired. I want to go where I want to go... but where do I want to go? I want to be with someone... but with whom? I want to give love and happiness... but I don't even know how to give these to myself? How? Why? I don't know...

What is happening? I am drowning... Eris is here.

Am I Looking For Love? and Random Thoughts.

“Ms. Noemi, where is the library?” I asked my colleague during my second week in my new job. Ms. Noemi was one of the few who welcomed me warmly in the agency where I am currently connected with. 

“We do not have a library here.” She said.

“How about a music room?” I asked. You know what? She laughed so hard and asked me the reason why I was asking those kinds of questions. She said that she found me weird and cute. LOL.

Why did I ask those questions? Because to be honest, I am longing for privacy and I am having a terrible time adjusting in my new life/working environment. Sometimes, I find myself suffocated and intoxicated with almost every thing inside the agency. Maybe because I got used to dealing with foreigners. The differences between cultures are quite shocking to me. (Is it the right term?) I am skeptic towards everything.

Depression Update:

Honestly, I am still depressed. There are still times that extreme sadness comes to me. I still cry and feel so WORTHLESS; that I am not good enough; that I still have a lot of things to do to improve myself.

Self Confidence is a very rare and expensive commodity for me. If I am confident at this moment, I will become extremely anxious in just a snap of your fingers. The way fear enters my mind is quite bewildering. There are times that I still think about death, but I am doing my best to alleviate my attention to something else.

When I was in graduate school, I was confident every time I present a case in front of the class. However, after I graduated, it seems like my skills are slowly diminishing. After I shifted from teaching to public service, I feel like my knowledge is slowly being eating up by the passage of time and I HATE IT. I hate this.

Sometimes, my mind will be full of things which usually cause me to shut down; stare blankly ahead... to... to... stay in a corner and turn off all my five senses. I cannot breathe, my hands will move on their own to write the things being whispered my the many voices inside my head. Often, I am confused because I hear them simultaneously and I don't know whom to listen first. I have tons of notebooks where I write my collections of words about life... love... and death...

I am guilty of constantly proving to everyone that I am the one who did the things I did. My words, arts, compositions... why? Because the being branded "FAKE" is very... painful. Their words created a massive hole in my identity and I don't know how I am going to hide it...

AM I LOOKING FOR LOVE?

I had a deep conversation with my mother last week. We talked about my depression and she told me that maybe LOVE is the remedy.

But NO… I told her. Love and relationship are not something I desire at the moment. I am looking for something… for things that I can use to fill in every gap in my life and every aperture of my identity.

Ever since I turned 18, I have always felt the emptiness deep inside me. It’s like there’s a hole that I must fill in. A missing part.

Is it because I wasn’t able to study Foreign Language? Is it because of the bullying trauma? Is it because of the rejection I received from the first man I’ve ever liked? Or is it because I am overly conscious and a perfectionist that I easily succumb to darkness to avoid painful things?

One thing I’ve learned from what I’ve been thru is that every time I avoid pain… I also avoid chances to learn more things about life… chances to define what true happiness is.

Of course. I want to fall in love. Who doesn’t? I am a woman and as time passes by I am starting to long for companionship. However, if I am going to fall in love, I want to fall in love on my own. I am grateful to my friends who want to set me up to meet someone, but no. I prefer to fall in love… naturally without the intervention of other people. I want it to happen inside a bookshop, a café? Or maybe while listening to indie music… I want to meet someone who will be able to accept and embrace everything about me. Besides, I still have feelings for a specific man, who is now unfortunately… gone.

Others even suggested that I should stop reading and go out more. But you see, reading is a part of me. If I am going to stop, it will be like cutting a part of my body. I CANNOT.

I have a lot of things that I want to do; to achieve; to see; to experience. This is one of the disadvantages of being a “late bloomer”.

Did I make sense? See, my mind is still in disarray.

Grammar wrongings? Please correct me.

Have a good night.

Depression and Their Advice

Almost a month ago I enrolled for a TESOL Program and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made this year. For someone who is experiencing depression for almost a year and a half (or longer). I need a break from all the drama, anxiety and negativity. I need to be away from people who keeps on pulling me down; from people who are giving me unnecessary attention. I actually came to a point wherein I just wanted to slap these people on their face and have a wrestling match with them just to end what I’ve been experiencing.

Of course, I know that my part in this freaking annoying depression is quite huge. My subconscious mind, the voices on my head got noisier this year and I can’t make them stop. Let me also add the heart breaks, the rejections and betrayals… so tell me who will not feel depressed?

I have been feeling like I am so worthless, that I do not have any purpose in this world, that no matter what I do I will always end up in the exact same place… dark corner of an empty room called FAILURE.

Let me go back to my point. During the past five weeks, I was able to meet new people. People who thought that I was a foreigner, who didn’t know how they’re going to talk to me. I remember that I was reading a book about Japanese Women (An Anthropology book) and I actually felt the same way! I was too shy to talk to them and we ended up smiling and nodding to one another. These people are giving me opportunity to relieve my depression.

I can say that I am more confident in conversing with foreigner and this is the reason why I act and talk as if I’m a member of different kinds of community. Working with Japanese, Korean, Chinese and even Vietnamese allowed me to adopt some of their cultures and customs. Talking with my Canadian uncle gave me an opportunity to broaden my knowledge in English as well as practice my speaking skills.

Okay, going back… First week was over, came the second, third, fourth… fifth. Every week, we have a free talking session after lunch. This is time where our mentors will let us choose a card with questions written on it. Truly, all the cards I pulled contain personal questions such as “How do you cope up with stress?” “Tell about the time when you were disappointed.” “Have you ever felt so lonely in your life?” etc… I answered the questions as precise and concise as possible but they got curious about me.

During break time, they will ask me a lot questions. Last Saturday, my British mentor talked to me and he made a good guess about me:

-          I am an only child.

-          That my father is a military man.

He said that he can understand why I am the way am. He can understand my situation. I rarely meet someone who’s genuinely emphatic towards my situation. I am not saying that my friends are not… but it’s a different kind of empathy. He… they allowed me to talk and voiced out the things on my head, the things that bother my heart because I’ve been having a hard time… no this is the most difficult time of my life because I almost ran out of words to express how I really feel.

I am not going to be dramatic although it will sound one. The months of August and September are the most crucial months. I literally broke (I still am) down and I just want to end everything. I wanted to rest for eternity. I just couldn’t/can’t go on because the emotional pain that I’ve been feeling for quite a long time is eating me all up.

I would sometimes cry in front of my mother and she didn’t really know what to do with me anymore. All I feel is pain and I can’t breathe. It’s too difficult. It’s like my head would explode, my heart would crushed and… I feel so empty. I’m just a blank space, an empty shell, a nobody.

I am traumatized with the bullying I had before and even if I tell to myself that I have already forgiven those people… I can still hear their voices, I can still see my younger self enduring the evil things they’ve done to me. And these experiences caused me to be severe to myself. I am a perfectionist to the point of hurting myself if I make a mistake.

Here’s what they told me.

At first they find me so weird or unique. They said that it was their first to meet someone who devour books like a food, who has a strong mind control, sociable introvert… someone who is ironic.

They told me that I must not care about what other people think about me because at the end of the day, the way I think about myself is the only thing that will matter.

I should try to avoid being pessimist. I have a Master’s Degree, I’m an Accountancy Graduate, I’m an English Instructor, I can speak, I can talk and write deeply, I play instruments, I am not disabled and I inspire people around me… these things are what separate me from other people. If they give me their attention, it only means that I am different from them, if they look and stare at me it only means that I don’t look like the others, if they try to pull me down it only means that I am already ahead of them. If people are avoiding me, I don’t have to feel so bad about it because in building connections and relationships that will last for a lifetime it must be Quality over Quantity.

And it’s really overwhelming because even if it has only been a month since I’ve met them, they are embracing my flaws as if they’ve known me for a long time. They told me that if ever I need someone who will encourage me or at least to lift me up, they are willing to talk to me about self-confidence. And I am very thankful.

I always feel so lonely and I am too shy to ask for someone to accompany me because of my toxic behavior right now. I’ve been talking about death all the time which caused my friends to avoid me. I can’t blame them and I am sorry.

I am afraid… but if I am going to continue like this I might really disappear. But just like what my uncle told me “You’re a clever girl and you are actually strong. Just focus on what you have to do.”

Aside from the fact that I am learning new things, meeting new people… I am also gaining the power to exercise positivity… slowly (well, at least!).

After this TESOL Program, I’m going to continue to study because I am happy whenever I study. And even if there some who ask me why I always study or if I ever feel like I am wasting money in school… I should just try to enlighten them that Education is a continuous process (but I think it will be better to avoid them.)

So there… the question “How are you?” is just too difficult to answer and if ever I acted aloof in replying to you guys… please be kind to me.

Erica.

Any mistakes in grammar? PM me. Thank you.