How are you doing everyone?
I think it's not a secret anymore that I've been depressed and anxious since last year... or should I say since December of 2013. Re-reading my diary entries helped me to pin point when and how I developed this constant depression. Elaborating the causes would make this entry very long.
I remember that one of my college friends told me that getting out from the deep abyss of depression would be the most difficult task a person will ever face. Finding your way out would be like solving a cross-word puzzle written in another language. It would be like choosing one path among a number of paths ahead of you. It would be like choosing to listen to one voice inside your head. Complex, perilous, difficult. These are the things that I am facing right now.
Depression is not just about feeling sad. It is more than that. Way way more than that. Imagine a thin pin piercing through each veins in your heart. You'll find yourself hyperventilating without knowing the reason. You'll feel an invisible hands choking you. You'll find that the air is too thick for you breathe. You'll find yourself floating in nowhere and a bunch of bubbles would burst out causing you to be thrown away in high speed somewhere far far away. You're like a piece of paper being teared out. You're like a piece of chalk being crushed. You're like a glass being broken, thrown and crushed. The cycle will keep going on and on. It is as if you are blind folded most of the time. All you can see is darkness.
I can't even express myself. I can't put into words how depression controlled my life for the past years. In business, I'm like a company approaching bankruptcy for I am experiencing continues losses despite the fact that my assets are still greater than my liabilities.
It has been said that there are people who can find happiness in sadness. However, I can say that there are people who can decide to use sadness and turn it into a "happiness". Life exploits us and in turn we must exploits it too. Whatever wounds, pain and heartbreaking events we experienced; whether we lost something... every thing happens for a reason. No scratch that, you have to find reason for every thing that has happened.
I wear masks, too many masks to veil the ugly face of depression. I chose to conceal the wrinkles, scars and fresh wounds inflicted by it so that people would not judge me and call me crazy. I chose to wear these masks because showing them my real face will make me look like a beggar asking for some pity. But you know what? I don't need pity. I don't want it. What I desire is acceptance. That's all.
I know that to be understood by others is impossible or at least the possibility is low. That's why I chose this isolation because I realized that pushing myself to be a happy and outgoing person like them, to be "liked" by others would mean discarding more than half of my identity.
I love myself. I like what I do. My hands are able to create something that would take me out from this prison cell even for a second... But others don't like it. Nowadays, I don't care anymore. I don't want to mind them or even to look at them. I don't want to talk to them. I want to CUT ALL THE TIES because I AM SO TIRED. I am truly tired. I am so tired to be treated like a piece of crap because I AM NOT A CRAP.
I know that there are still others who talk behind my back (beware, for the walls have ears), who criticize me and insult me but I have already decided to let them be. Time is precious. Time is money. I don't want to waste my very important intangible resources to something or someone who will not help me to improve. I had enough of them.
It is difficult to ignore, yes, it's true. I have been blessed with a powerful sense of hearing and I can hear them talking about me. Even if I can't control what I can hear... I can make the things they say against me into an inspiration towards improvement. You should do this too. You can do it. And I know you will.
Some people consider us depressed as someone who is on the verge of INSANITY. We are not. Insanity and depression are different things. We are not INSANE.
Although I can only see a tiny bright light ahead of me, I know that I can get out from here. Slowly it may be... I am patient and I can endure... I will endure.
It is DIFFICULT. Tremendously complicated and it always pains me. It is a heavy burden that I am always carrying. I am in constant look out for it because I don't want it to fully enter my doors. Depression is like a shadow outside my four walls.
The next time you see me smiling, do not jump into a conclusion that "All is well." Don't ever make fun of depression because I am telling you it's a serious thing. If you have nothing to say good to us, better shut your mouth. We've been carrying too heavy burden already, don't make yourself a burden to us. And if ever you don't care, I can understand, because "How could someone who hasn't been there possibly understands?"
Each one of us has his/her own problem/s, and each of us has the right to feel "problematic". Stop saying "My problem is worst than yours." Because it will only make us feel that we don't have any right to to feel what we want to feel.
Have a good day everyone.
Sincerely,
Erica/Erix
