Blog // Paint with me "Entering Her World"

Hi! Aki here. 

My last post is a bit depressing so I decided to rest and think for a while to be able to clean up my mind with all its negativity... so here I am with my new entry.

Paint with me "Entering Her World" 

 This is the first time that I did a video for this blog. I was hoping to uplaod the full version but it took me 30 minutes to finish this artwork... causing my movie maker to break down. So I made a "chop-chop" version of it.

Tada! Here it is... Enjoy.

For this art work my inspiration was myself. I'm a bit self centered type of a person right now because I've been selfless for the past months. I gave my all to something hoping for a much brighter future but unfortunately I was not able to achieve my number ONE goal this year. It's very depressing and frustrating because whenever I say anything that I will do... I will definitely do it. What happened to me was a strong blow to my self confidence. It was like I was killed then. I died that day... and eventually reborn. I was on the verge of insanity, self pitying... and I was like "what the hell?! Just kill me okay?! I don't have any purpose in this world anymore... what meaning is there for keeping me alive?!"

You might say that I'm a shallow person. I AM NOT. How could someone who hasn't been there possibly understand? you will only have the right to criticize my feelings and emotions if you experienced the same or the exact same thing of what happened to my life. Am I being pessimistic here? Or bitter? I don't think so... because a person who is full of this kind of emotion is the one who can really translate the word sadness and defeat in what he/she can create with his/her hands. Thru pen and papaer or thru artwork... or in whatever medium he/she might use.

If I am going to describe myself... I am like an arid dessert that doesn't have an oasis and the people travelling around me are dying one by one because of thirst.

If this is my destiny? I am going to accept it... but I cannot do the accepting part... right away. Let's say... it's like I wasted 2 years of my life to something UNFINISHED. You know... I terribly hate Unfinished projects. Work half done is worst than work not done. There's so many "should" and "shouldn't" written in my diary... but what can I do? Past is past... let bygones be bygones... But the past cannot expect me to forget everything what it did to me.

Here's what I can only do... Focus on "Now" let the lessons of the "Past" serve as my guide to the "Future".

Entering her world... is all about going back to what you really are. Doing things that you really love to do, showing the emotions buried deeply inside of you and not being afraid of stepping and moving to the path you think might change your world by not changing yourself.

This is what I did before. There are people who can't accept me for who I really am and most of them acted as if they were envious of how I can entirely embrace my flaws. They used to pull me down whenever a great positive constructive remark was given upon me. But you know the more I noticed how they focus their attention on me the more I realized that I can actually affect their life somehow... and I was hoping that someday they will see the positive side of me.

Some of my works are grotesque-like having a dark theme. I love using black and white because the 2 colors show how Ironic my personality is. They are simple, neutral but very dramatic. My entire being can be decipher by looking at my works. I am a very sensitive and emotional when it comes to art and literature. I have a BIG heart for them... because when I thought the world want to barfed me out... They've became my saviour in order for the world to realize that I am an asset... somehow.

I am also thankful to my parents. Yes. Chihiro from "The Lake" by Banana Yoshimoto is correct. PARENTS ARE ABSOLUTE. I can sacrifice my entire being for them. I know, If ever my mom read this entry she might thought how ironic my words and my actions are. I am not showy with my feelings, I tend to write and write them in my diary but God knows how much I treasure them... because they are the only people who accepted me for who I really am.. And even if every single person in the wordl turn their back on me... I know that my parents will embrace me protectively.

Well yeah. This is a long entry... forgive me.... ^^v
HAVE  A NICE DAY.

Blog // I went home defeated

I don't know where to start. I have so much to say but I can't find the right words to express what happened to me.

First of all, one of my dreams that will serve as a door to my other dreams was shattered into million pieces. I cannot just paste or glued those pieces together. It seemed like I've wasted my 2 years of working so hard to achieve my goal. I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I sacrificed lots of thing; my happiness, my hobbies, my body, my health and every tiny little cell of me ,but those were nothing. They are not enough to achieve it. I feel like crying whenever I remember how much I wanted to be where I wanted to be during those days. My heart is aching whenever I repeated the scenes wherein I almost detached my soul from my body in order to achieve that goal. I am disappointed with myself for disappointing my parents. I am mad with myself for giving too much happiness to the antagonist of my life. I am too kind, you know that... because twice this year I have given them the joy to laugh at me and to insult me behind my back.

... but this is too much. My confidence level is hitting negative now. I have nothing left inside of me. I am so ashamed to face other people because of the frustrations caused by what happened to me. I am like a child who is very afraid of what might happen in the not too near future. I don't know how am I going to start. How should I start from the beginning if that beginning is blurry in my vision? How am I suppossed to take a step forward if there's a wall hindering my path? what should I do now?

I just want to stop for a while. Take a deep breath and do what I want to do. To read what I want to read and to draw my emotions on a piece of paper and share it to the whole wide world. Maybe in that way... the burden on my shoulders would subside little bit. I know that 2012 is not my year... but I am not going to give up. I know that someday that goal... I will be able to reach it for sure. All I needed is perseverance and trust on Him. Because no matter what happens... even if every single person will turn their back on me... He will be always there to guide me. I know it.

Aki

What's Up: I am against Myself.

These past few days I noticed that I seemed to be lacking in self control. I tend to do things that I shouldn't be doing, but no matter how hard I tried to subconciously scold myself , my mind didn't want to listen.

Sigh. I am in the middle of reviewing for a MAJOR EXAMINATION.... but look... instead of focusing on absorbing the information that are waiting to be absorb I am here writing my thoughts.

Suffocated. I am. I don't know how am I going to release the burden, the imaginary blocks that I am carrying on my shoulders... I am scared to what might happen to me in the future... I have lots of worries that are eating me up! reason why I can't focus on what's "NOW".

That is the problem. Instead of being in "NOW" I am trying to jump ahead of time... the "Future"; and because of that I tend to neglect what's happening to me in "NOW". I know the "should be" and the consequences of not doing them but I can't really explain why am I doing these time consuming things.

Have you ever felt like you're in the middle of nowhere? Or maybe you're in a crowded place and you are the stranger among the rest? I feel like I am LOST. I am nowhere to be found. I am nowhere. I am nothing. Not even a single cell.

Self pitying. I should stop this. My friends were scolding me. They said that I should stop being a pessimist once and for all. But how? Should I start from scratch? Should I act as if I don't feel anything? I've been there and I hated that kind of life. All those pretenses that made me more suffocated, that triggered my insomnia. Sleepless nights were hell to me. I was physically and mentally disoriented. I don't want to go back there. Ever again.

Imagine yourself lying on your bed and hearing the conversation that you had with other people containing all the negativity that causes your mind to be overloaded with worries. It is as if you wanted to bang your head on the wall until you pass out.

On the end of the day. The villain in my life.... The Antagonist in my own life story is myself... but at the same time I am the supporting actress and the Protagonist. How Ironic.

Prayer. Yes. He is the only one that can help me in this kind of situation. Ask and I shall received. I can even ask for a rain and I know by heart that he will give me springtime. I know that He is always there to listen to me and even if I can't see Him, I can feel Him everywhere.

I should help my self to stand again.

Blog // Art. (I am a Hobbyist)

Once upon a time I was named as a FRAUD ARTIST. There are people who couldn't and wouldn't recognized my work. They spread rumors that I was actually not the one who made the painting that I passed as my art project way back 2004. To be honest I didn't said the painting was purely made by my hands. I told them that I was guided and helped by my uncle who happenned to be good in Art. But of course... What should I expect? People only believe what they wanted to believe. They can only accept their own opinion and never listen to the others' explanation. T'was sad because no matter how I defended myself... I cannot erase the fact that they doubted my so called "newly found talent". I spent the rest of my high school life trying to proved them that they were wrong on accusing me of this "Dolo" or "Fraud".

I tried so hard to push myself to be inspired so that I could make art works. I am not born with this hand. I just suddenly realized that I can  draw when I was on the verge of self pitying because I felt like I have no talent at all.

Then I met people who encourages me to pursue this hobby. They inspired me to move on and to try different art medium. I started with pencils then I moved to crayons, to color pencils, to craypass, to oil pastels, then charcoals in different shades, oil paint, then soft pastel.

Frustration is my key to switch on my artistic ability. I can't understand why people are pulling me down and making me feel like a trash and accusing of being a fraud. Whenever I recieved a complement from strangers, unfortunately people who seemed close to me will give a destructive opinion. They will think hard of a nasty comment to make me feel that these hands are not artistic enough to make them give me an honest and sincere comment.

But, A million thanks to them because their harsh words are my inspirations. My emotions are always depicted in my works and that's the reason why most of them have a dark theme. I am not a happy person because I lived most of life in insults. People feed me with their hatred. You know what's wrong with me? I let myself fall in that deep abyss of insecurity and intimadation.

I never had a drop of self confidence flowing through my veins... that was before. But I've changed...

I never once dreamed to be addicted in this field. I want to be a singer or a dancer or even a musician... but then, they are not for me. Since Art is my first love I am now indulging in the different medium that are available.

Soft pastel.

Let me share to you the work I've done for the first time using soft pastel.

Really! I wanted to have my own scanner but I can't afford it... so I used my camera here instead.

The quality is not that good since I used an ordinary sketch pad acid free paper. I wanted to have a pastel paper but they were out of stocked.

Notice that my work is a bit shabby compare to the photo that I took. I guess the paper and not using a proper shading stump were factors that made my work like this.

Next....

The soft pastel version of "Arashi".  I used a cheaper brand of soft pastel. I noticed that the expensive brand blended really well with each other and they were a bit less rough than the cheaper ones. I just hope that someday I will be able to have the rembrandt brand of soft pastel in 36 colors, in gray tones and earth/flesh tones. So I will work hard!

Bloody Valentine Inspired. step by step.

From the cover of Melissa de La Cruz's Novel "Bloody Valentine"


I wanted to post my other works but this entry is already long. So I have to end it here. I am sorry for the  too much bitterness that are reflected in this entry.

Things that made me happy:
>Art
>My hands
>Peaceful day
>Rain

Blog // "New Beginning"

"Suddenly, A New Beginning"
by: Aki.

I'm still coping up with what happenned to me. However, all the positivity that were lying silently deep down suddenly; they bursted out with a bang! that's why even though half of me is still trying to heal the wounds and bruises I got from falling down, the other half is already on the verge of fighting back.

That's life. Sometimes you're on top and you feel like you can do everything that's impossible but most often than not people tend to feel like they're nobody, they feel empty and sad. Those negative feelings will eventually motivate them to try harder and give their best on the second time around. The bitter sweet reality is that bad experiences are blessings in disguise. Let's us all try to look for lessons in those misadventures and learn from them so that you can build the strength that you might need NEXT TIME.

There's nothing wrong with falling down. You might get hurt, feel the pain, cry. You might isolate yourself from the social environment but this is what called "Running away" and this will make you a "Coward". Yes, it is indeed very easy to tell yourself that you have to fight back all the adversaries, the villains, the crab mentality that lurks in the head of people around you; but you have to decide, if you will let them defeat you again and again. You will be the "FOREVER LOSER" and whether you like it or not... this will be an endless cycle. Try to imagine the pain, the shame... it's unfathomable. (based on my experience).

Decide for yourself and let your  mind listen to your heart. Let's do it. To be an "Optimist" is the least thing we can do for ourselves.

THOUGHT:

The more anxious you are, the worse it gets.
-nadeshiko

Don't miracles happen when someone does their best?
-ai kara hajimaru

The correct path is the one you make for your self.
-arakure

What's Up: May "Art-ful Week"

 SECLUSION

 THE MASOCHIST

EYE PATCHED

PUPPET HAND

My recent works were inspired by the manga "Another". I made an "Aki" version since they all depicted what I am feeling right now. Sad and dark.

Things that I am Thankful today:

-My talent. (I consider it as a talent)

-My hands.

-My fans. (artwork fans/friends)

-The rain.

Blog // "Vanishes"

"Vanishes" 

 

I wasn't able to make it. The result was released 24 hours after the last day of examination. Almost all of my friends were not on the list who passed. A very sad day.

Ironically I don't feel sad at all. Am I just fooling my self that I am not sad? pretending that I don't feel anything? Numb? the answer is... I don't know. I was quite surprised to see my self calm and on a positive mode. My parents cannot comprehend why am I not crying or hysterically throwing tantrums... That, I cannot really explain.

More importantly, people pitied me because they thought I was trying to veil my emotions by wearing a happy face. They keep on telling "Pssshhh... there's still next time." etc. But I know that they were happily feasting deep inside, especially those people who were blatantly showing me their happy face. I cannot understand why my "This Event" was such a big deal for them? My mom says, because that they wanted to see me DEFEATED. On the other hand, that incident made me tough emotionally and mentally. Even though my plans this year vanished in one blink of an eye... I still have enough strenghth to stand and fight...again.

I learned a great deal of lessons and I will make them as my inspirations in the future. Their insulting words will serve as the fuel for my fight.

Things I am thankful today:
-My parents who were very supportive.
-Encouraging words and advice from my TRUE friends.
-White hat galore with my little cousin Kim.

What's Up: "Unwinding"

Happy Birthday to my cousin Jennifer! <3

----------

Before the Examination ends I planned to give myself a one day "Free day" wherein I can do anything
I want... Except studying. 

To Do List:

>Buy books

>Read books

>Eat pasta

>Go Karaoke

>Read Manga

>Roam around Araneta Center

>Walk, Talk and have fun with a friend

>Laugh

Books:

I was curious about this book because it was placed in the shelves "Must read fiction" in a bookstore that I went to. I bought this because I'm a fan of Paulo Coelho. His works changed the way I handle everyday situations, the way I see things in life and his words made me feel like I'm an individual separated from other people. He's a great novelist and I respect his opinions very much.

I haven't started reading this book though. Maybe in May... So currently I have 9 books by Paulo Coelho. ^^V

The Movie adapted novel by one of the highly respected Asian Author Haruki Murakami. His books are all placed in the "Literary award winner". I first stumbled upon his works when I was randomly checking out books in a bookstore way back 2009. The first book I had by him was "After dark". I don't really know him by then, but since he's Japanese I tried to read it. (that was a petty reason, yes I know.) What I can really say is that he have his own technique in writing, not straightforward and it made me analyzed his every words in the novel. I read it for 3 times because I can't really comprehend what he's trying to say but I appreciate all his works.

 

Eat Pasta:

I'm with my cousin's girlfriend today. We had so much fun even though we don't have much money. LOL

We went to karaoke, talked about random things. The past, present and future. We had a conversation. haha! We have so much in common and I guess that's the reason why I like her very much.

And then we ate pasta. Lasagna with pizza, fries and onion bread. It's very unhealthy but hey! it's only for a day. ^^V

After that I showed her the stores and other boutiques that I knew. The "Reading room", it's an accessories shop. "Genshiken" was supossed to be an action figure store but we were surprised when we saw japanese vintage collection stuffs. Maybe the old owner decided not to sell the items. sigh.

And then we went to thrift shops. I browsed some old books while Ran-nee had fun with the old stuffed toys.

Those were the things that I did. I know that they were not very exciting or adventurous but at least I was able to forget all my worries.

Things that made me happy:

>Laughter

>Pasta

>New Books

>Freedom

Blog // Easter Sunday

Happy Easter Sunday everyone!

Eggs and Bunny are everywhere... why oh why I can't see any image of Jesus Christ? It's sad to finally realize that fewer people actually know how to celebrate the season. Maybe because everyone has their reason... I just hope those reasons are not void... but hey... there's no such thing as void reason in God's eyes.

Things that made my day:
>Ramen
>Bunny
>Colorful eggs

Photo from the past: 
"It opens" May 7, 2011

Cold Weather

9:21pm

My lips are DRY?!!!!!! What more can I ask for in this cold weather. My skin is soo dry that I have to apply lotion constantly. BBBBRRRRR... I'm freezing.

Well I'm quite proud of myself today because I finished all the things that were written in my to do list. Great Start! I just hope that I can maintain being responsible in handling my time. <3

Yes I just studied today and uploaded some pictures for my relatives in Italy and Canada to see what happened to us last New Year. Hoho. Just to update them.

Things that I am happy about:
> New Lip Gloss (Majolica Majorca)
> Hot Ramen
> Peaceful Surroundings