2014: Things That I Am Thankful For

Last day of 2014. As I look back on everything that has happened to me this year, I realized that I've met a series of unfortunate events.

1. Sickness. When I needed to stop working due to health problems. The smell of hospital which I really hate... 
2. I lost some friends; very close friends. Time changes everything, including people. They said that they want to cut all ties with me and I accepted it. Though it hurts so much, I couldn't just force myself to people who doesn't want me to be part of their life anymore.
3. Disagreements.
4. Backstabbing. Unfortunately, I've met a number of traitors this year.
5. Depression. It's like I've been going in and out of a certain room called "Depression".
6. Stress caused by inconsiderate people.

I experienced painful things that taught me how to be strong. I became more patient. I've learned to endure stressful situation.

Of course, there are many thing that I am grateful for this year. I find happiness in misery. Sadness makes me more productive and it inspires me to work harder.

Here are things that I am thankful and grateful for

Wishes Granted

My year started preparing for a trip that I'd been desirous for a long time. This wish was first written on my wish notebook when I was in Elementary. I was 10 years old then. After 13 years, that wish was granted by my aunt. I don't know how am I going to express how grateful I am for her. She's like a fairy godmother who grants wishes of damsel in distress.

Because of her, I was able to meet my former students who became my friends and became part of my life. Thank you Auntie Tess. I know you're going to read this. I will never forget the things you've let me experience by giving me the opportunity to go to Japan. <3

To my cousin who granted my wish to speak inside the church and during her wedding reception, Thank you. I am very grateful for the dress I was able to wear. I love laces. :) Though I really hated my hair, still I was one of the happiest people during her wedding. I will never forget that day. :)

The trip to UP DILIMAN with my cousins which I randomly wrote on my wish notebook was also granted this year. It was one of the happiest moment of this year.

The Ukulele I got for myself this Christmas. I have a thing for string instruments. I always find the sound they create as something that is really amazing. In just a day, I was able to play and sing a number of songs. :)

This is the acoustic-electric guitar I got for my birthday. :) My mother gave me this... I wanted a color brown though. Haha! The strings got broken two weeks ago because I was relieving my stress; I played hard.

The time I went to Cool Beans Cafe with my MBA buddies. I was pestering and persuading them to go there and they granted my wish. :)

And the trip to Baguio with my cousins. We've met a series of unfortunate events, frustrating and irritating situations, but we had fun at the end. We bonded and the trip made us more close... well I hope because this what I feel.

And last, the Birthday wish and Christmas wish that came true. I will not elaborate here, there were simple wishes which seemed impossible but God made it possible! He's really great! I will never forget it.

My Fairy Godparents

During my period of depression, they were there for me. They always talk to me, send me messages in facebook. They always check me out and give me advice. They encouraged me and convinced me that everything would be alright.

There are times when it's really difficult for me to express myself and talk with other people. Since, I don't want to bother my mother too much, I always go to my Fairy Godparents to open up about  everything that's bothering me. I can be honest with them. I can tell them almost everything and they are always willing to LISTEN. Thank you so much!

My MBA Buddies

Being an introvert and a former agoraphobic, it's really nice to meet friends from different ages. I can call them Brothers and Sisters and I can treat them as my family the way they treat me. At first they thought that I was a snob (which is the usual impression of me), but they welcomed me in their group and I am very grateful for that. :) These friends taught me a lot of things since they older and far more experienced than me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. They are the reason why I always look forward to go to school. :) Of course... I like studying with them!

Good Grades

Sadness makes me more productive. When I am sad or troubled I always pour everything on things that I must finish such as homework, reports, research papers, presentations. Despite every bad things that had happened to me, I am thankful because I was able to get a good result.

My Arts

My art helps me to have a peace of mind. Focusing with the colors and the curves and all the lines and details on my sketch pad, watercolor pad or canvass helps me to set aside all my troubles. It's like drinking alcohol, you can forget almost everything and sadness would be replaced by feeling of accomplishment after seeing the finished product of my imagination.

Being able to play Musical Instruments

When I was a kid, I've written in my diary that I wanted to learn to play at least three musical instruments. Growing up, I have uncles who likes to sing and relatives who always play music like "The Cranberries" and I could remember that I used to sing out loud while inventing the lyrics of the song. I'm not good in playing and singing, but I can. I use music to relieve my stress and it helps me a lot. This year... music and arts serve as medicine and I am very grateful to the people who appreciates my "Shame-less" video which I uploaded on my private facebook account. To Rino-chan who looks forward and listens to my songs. Thank you.

My Family

My cousins, my aunts and uncles, my parents... everyone. This year... was all about bonding with them. I want our relationship to be really close. :)

Handwritten Letters

I love writing long hand written letters and I love receiving one too. I prefer letters than email when it comes to expressing emotions and feeling because I find it more sincere. The person writing is exerting an effort and that is a plus for me. To everyone who gave me letters.. Thank you so much. They are safe in my letter box. :)

Friends and Students

Believe or not, I always look forward to go to work and school to see everyone. I am always alone, and talking with different kinds of people is such a nice experience. I treasure everyone who treats me well.

My Mother

My best friend, my true love... my mother. I am very thankful to have a mother like her. She sometimes act like my age that's why we really bonded and we are really close. She gave everything I needed; emotional support, advice, EVERYTHING! I will never forget everything she has given me and I hope we can continue this kind of relationship when we get older. I love my mama so much. :) To my friends who like my mother... Thank you.

To all the people who became part of my 2014... THANK YOU for making my year colorful! Thank you for being part of it and for giving me opportunities to learn many things about life!

I hope to become part of your life next year and the year after that.

Have a great day Everyone!

Good bye 2014!

Let's all welcome 2015 with smile on our lips and with a positive mind. I hope I can... well... I will.

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

In The Middle Of Nowhere

"Lessons once learned are so hard to forget it though..."
Middle of Nowhere by Ellegarden

I once believed that if you would not mind what other people say to you... everything would be okay. But closing your ears from the world, from reality is difficult as swallowing a number of pills without water and with a dry throat. 

You know, I've been thinking that maybe the problem is within me or maybe the problem is me. No matter how clean you are, no matter how kind you are, caring and thoughtful you are, sincere you are, and honest you are... there will be people who'll criticize you for everything that you do.

Stress and depression are like magnets that are pulling me to the center of gravity called darkness. I am in the middle of nowhere and I am desirous to turn off all the lights, shut down all my circuits, and cut myself off from the world. I don't mean that I want to die, all I want is a few days of straight slumber... without waking up. I need to re-charge for I feel like I am overly used by people. Why? I feel so tired with everything. I see the world with its monotonous appearance. People looks the same. I hear the same thing everyday. I see the same thing. Everyday seems like yesterday... no change. It's like I'm in a place where it is simultaneously quiet and and noisy.

Going to places where other people USUALLY go made me "USUAL". By doing the same thing that other people do... these things sucked my uniqueness. It absorbed my very identity reason why I feel like I became one of them.

But then, my greatest foe is MYSELF. That's right. My inner demons are trying to ruin me. They are pushing everything aside to make way for my deepest and darkest thoughts. My defenses are being crashed and smashed into tiny million pieces. Every foundation I built to secure them from their container are being broken. Their unity is astounding!

The funny thing is, people around me always assume that the cause of my overwhelmingly dark aura is my love life. Oh no. Love life. Men. This is not the right time to think about them. My love life caused me stressed and a broken heart. Besides, I will never push myself onto someone who clearly doesn't want me. I had enough of it.

And when I look and stare at myself on the mirror. I see the very vision of EMPTINESS, BROKENNESS... after absorbing all the negativity of others who poured their hearts on me... I have no one to listen to me; to release myself from this misery.

What am I saying? What the hell am I saying again? Ah... yes... I am in the part where I want to say I am very tired. I am so tired. I am so weak... you know what I want? PEACE OF MIND. But I guess, it will be a long journey for me to see the light again.

Christmas is coming... but I can't feel anything. Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ... I don't need gifts or anything. For now, It's more than enough that I can write on my journal to talk to HIM. Right now, I can feel that He's the only one who is really willing to listen.

Have a good night.

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

THAT I AM STILL ALIVE.

October 2014 Part 2: Road trip... University of the Philippines Diliman

(Photo by: Maritess Boudreau)

Two months ago, I was randomly writing on my "Dream and Aspiration" journal about the things that I want to do before this year ends. I've written about "Road Trip with cousins at UP Diliman". Surprisingly, it really happened! I was so happy. Really happy.

I missed my cousins a lot. I'd lived like a "Prisoner" for the past months, since I was in the middle of writing my drafts, writing my reports, studying for weekly exams.... school works... and personal problems which I don't want to elaborate here anymore. Yes, I got depressed... well, I still am. During this period, I was looking for support and shoulders to lean on, but I felt like everyone was so far, out of reach and the only thing I could do at that time was to write, read and send messages to my cousins and to my fairy godparents (BBG, you know who you are guys...). Those helped me to somehow get a grip on reality that "I can do this". I was able to focus and voila! It's Semester break and I am now with my  favorite and important people in my life!

Enough with the drama!

So yes. I was with my Aunt and my cousins during this "Road Trip". We enjoyed walking around and taking countless pictures. We took advantage of the weather and scenery. It was so green and windy which I really like. I love nature. If not only for the shoes that I was wearing that day, I would have fully enjoyed the walk. My feet was aching so much and I forgot to bring my spare sandals.

Oh... It would be nice if I could stay here for a long time, but we needed to go somewhere... Next time, maybe on December we're going to come back here. The branches and the trees and of course the path walks; I love them so much. It made me feel like I was in a fairy tale. Right.

We literally took many pictures... like funny pictures (Funny for us). We were laughing all the time which was really nice because I was able to relieve some of my stress and forgot some of my worries and heartache. Hahaha! Yes!

I felt so helpless because of my feet so we took a rest for a while. There were many people jogging and walking around and I was an introvert trespassing the world of extroverts. Do you get it? From the moment I sat on the bench, it made me feel like I'm inside my "Hamster Ball". I am not really good in open spaces. I used to be Agoraphobic, that's why.

Yes. My Aunt became my photographer. She's really good in taking pictures and it's nice to know that I'm one of the people who influenced her with regards with photography.

I don't have much time to take some pictures and I terribly miss the "Nature Photo Session". I used to go somewhere every week, but due to my hectic schedule... I can't.

This is my cousin Jerix. He came late because he had a class before this. He's actually our Mascot, "The Comedian". Whenever he's around... everything would be colorful... and ALIVE!

I will go back here with them... again! Just so you know, I took the entrance examination here... and the rest is HISTORY.

Oh how I miss them so much... without them... I feel neutral and most of the time... talking with myself.

Have a great day everyone!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Reading Books
2. Playing and singing some songs... especially Guitar riffing of "Greensleeves". I'm a fan of King Henry VIII
3. Crossing out things to do on my check list.
4. Cleaning my room.
5. That I'm still alive.
6. That my parents are in good health.
7. That my friends are fine.
8. That I am inside my hamster ball. :)
9. That it's not yet raining in Manila because I'm really worried about the Typhoon Ruby. I have lots of things to do next week... please.
10. Listening to Karen O music. Ukulele... let's see. :) I'm excited. PLEASE!!!! Let me have it!!!!!

October 2014 Part 1: The Sweet Spots

(Photo by: Marites Boudreau)

( Matcha Green tea Mint Smoothie)

If you are someone who knows me... You definitely know about my love for TEA and STRAWBERRY. Even before the "Milk Tea" craze began here... I've been trying out different kinds of tea and eating strawberry... OF COURSE.

But I think I am not the only who loves strawberry... Just look at my Aunt. Isn't she cute?

And one of my favorite couples ever! My cousins. :) Remember the "Maid of Honor" speech? It was for their wedding last January.

My aunt had a two weeks vacation here in Manila and she really took advantage of her free time. We'd been going out during her stay here and one of the places we'd been was "The Sweet Spot" located in Maginhawa Street.

The first time I visited this cafe was March of this year with my MBA buddies. I ordered a hot tea that time, that's why I tried their smoothie for a change.

This is too funny! I didn't know that I wore the same denim cover up during my first and second time here!!!! What?!!!! I just noticed. But... yeah.

And if you are one of my former students... then maybe you know how crazy I am when it comes to Matcha. The taste... honestly reminds me of Japan and all of my friends there. It's nice. Very nice and of course refreshing. But the whip cream... I felt a little bit guilty after. My aunt told me that I shouldn't be too strict with myself. My real concern was actually the effects of whip cream to my body, but that day I was like "What the heck?! I don't care!" LOL.

And this is me with my cousins. <3 Did you notice Doraemon on the wall? I think the owner of this cafe is a Japanese Culture enthusiast like me because I noticed a lot of Japanese novel by Natsuo Kirino and Haruki Murakami inside. And see the anime?

My camera was not adjusted to automatic and that explains the blurred effect of this picture. Well... Japan again.

I was worrying that maybe my cousins and my aunt would not like the place because I was the one who suggested to go here. Fortunately, I got a positive feedback from them and my aunt liked the place. It's warm and very welcoming.

And this is the other view of the cafe. I terribly like the lighting inside. It makes me want to stay there and read until my eyes get hurt. Do you know what I mean?

And this is us desperately trying to take our "Group-ie"...

You know, if only I live near Maginhawa Street... I wouldn't mind going out everyday. Sigh... but No....

My rating: 5 STARS

I can't wait to come back here and chill. With my friends or by myself. Because sometimes, I have the tendency to go out somewhere alone.

Wanna come here? With me? Haha! This place is cool! I hope you'll try to check out this place.

Have a great day Everyone!

And this is me with my strange dimple. Haha! Take care everyone!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Talking with my Aunt and Uncle in Skype. I feel blessed. I feel like I am not worthless whenever I talk with them... it always makes me want to strive harder to become a better person.
2. Playing the guitar in front of my mirror. I'm a concert queen! hahaha! Thank you!
3. Eating Mandarin oranges from my father. :)
4. Writing this blog.
5. Crossing out things on my "To do" list

PS: I will do my best... 4 months to go.

Insults and Dirty Looks

(Photo by: Maritess Boudreau)

I've been lying low for quite some time now. I'd been through a period wherein I got really tired of EVERYTHING. I am an Introvert and I needed some time to recharge myself. Socializing has been a difficult task for me ever since. I love talking with other people... it's true, but sometimes I get tired and I want to spend time just staring blankly. I desire peace and quite surroundings. I desire fresh air and strong wind that will make me feel that I am the only person in this world... that I could fly. 

Because of my way of thinking, people call me INSANE, STRANGE... I am TOO lazy to explain myself why I do things which are different from others. In the first place, why do I need to explain myself? I always believe that being mysterious in the eyes of others will definitely sparks "Interest" and "Curiosity". In my case... I don't give explanation because I don't want to waste my time. TIME IS MONEY... 

I have been receiving DIRTY LOOKS, INSULTING COMMENTS from others. They would look at me and talk about me. The funny thing is I don't know them but they know me. I know that I shouldn't mind them, but sometimes these circumstances make me ask myself:

"Did I do something wrong to deserve such things?"

"Have I offended them in some ways that I didn't know?"

"Why is it that they can only see me?"

"Why me?"

My friends and family insisted that it is because I look different... that I am different. What can I do? Should I undergo plastic surgery? Should I cut my hair or maybe make it straight? Should I wear skirt and shorts? Should I flaunt my legs and cleavage? Should I wear super high heels and torture myself? Should I wear dark eyeshadow and ruby red lipstick? Should I be like them?

Yes... sometimes I think about these questions and wonder... but my answers are NO. Why would I do something I am not comfortable with? Why would I wear something which is not my style? Why would I put cosmetics I am allergic with? Eyeshadow, eyeliner... my eyes hate them. Why would I let myself be someone who I am not?

As I have said before... Everyone is distinct from one another. They can never force me or tempt me to be like them even if they pay me millions of money. I love being me and because of letting myself to be who I really am... I feel free. I can distinguish myself from the others. I know myself better than anyone else.

With all honesty, my energy was drained from thinking and being bothered about them. It's my mistake for minding them. I need to remind myself that I was not born to please unnecessary people in my life... and these women are definitely UNNECESSARY. Unnecessary things must be discarded... so I must erase them on my mind for the sake of having a peace of mind.

I promise I will never be like them. I started by giving them smile from all the nasty look and sneer they gave me. Let's fight the bad people by giving them kindness and sincerity... because they need them the most.

Have a good day everyone!

Sincerely,

Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Playing my guitar. Blank Space by Taylor Swift is so catchy.
2. Sketching. I miss using soft pastel. Another Black and White Art.
3. Eating Cinnamon sticks. 
4. Talking with my 8 years old cousin. She's just so cute and talkative.
5. That I am still alive.
6. That my parents are healthy.
7. That my friends are in good condition.
8. Cold weather. (I wish there's winter here.... sigh. I miss the smell of winter.)

Vanity Post: 20 Facts About Me (Tagged by Chexy)

Hello there. Here's a VANITY POST featuring 20 FACTS ABOUT ME. I was tagged by my friend Chexy in Facebook. However, I don't want to post these facts there. At least here, I know that only few people will read this... and most of them are strangers which I really prefer.

20 FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. I AM A HOBBYIST. I am not a professional artist, but I do enjoy doing anything related to arts. Painting (acrylic, oil, watercolor), sketching, drawing. I am into arts and crafts. I know how to sew, do some crochet, make accessories. I am a DIY person. I can make something out of trash or garbage. 
2. I LOVE MUSIC. I grew up listening to The Cranberries. Their song "Zombie" was my favorite when I was in Elementary. I had a 10 year love and hate relationship with my guitar. I can sing and dance... somehow. I can play guitar... somehow. I am not good at them, but I CAN. I write songs sometimes. I love writing lyrics... it amazes me how I can incorporate my "Collections Of Words" into a song. I sing them whenever I feel blue. Music is part of me. I love Metal, Alternative, Goth, Punk-Rock, Grunge, Screamo... INDIE. 
3. I DON'T LIKE STEREOTYPICAL THINGS. Everything that's in Fashion or Fashionable does not impresses me. I always try to choose my own style. I don't want to be a PHOTOCOPY of everyone else. I am ME. I love being myself. Mainstream things are not for me. I like wearing clothes that are different from others. I like listening to unpopular, but cool songs. I like unique and strange things.
4. I LOVE THRIFT SHOP. I'm a Thrift Shop Addict. I know that some of you may find it "GROSS" because I buy second hand things. It's just that, I like old things owned by other people. Why? Because each thing that I bought from Thrift Shop has story of their own. It's like getting to know other people without really seeing them... I only feel them. However, some of the things I bought were branded and "like" new which is really cool.
5. I LOVE OLD THINGS. Yes, like Thrift Shop, Antique Shops are my Paradise. Every time I go there I always feel so relax. The smell of old books, old CDs, old furniture, old things from glassware to chinaware makes me happy and ALIVE. Some of them are owned by other people from different countries and most of them are damaged, but for me damaged things are more attractive. Why? Because it gives them character; every crack, every stain, every imperfection... gives them the UNIQUENESS that I always look in EVERYTHING.
6. I AM LOYAL. If you are my friend, then you already know this. I am a LOYAL FRIEND. I love my friends the way I love my relatives. For me, they are my family. For someone who doesn't have siblings like me... having a friend is really a blessing. I have many experiences of having FAKE friends and FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. Although it always gives me heartache whenever a friend ignores me and treats like a piece of "SHIT"... I will never plan a REVENGE because they've been good to me... at least.
7. I AM NOT EASILY ATTRACTED TO MEN. Being bullied in the past made me a MAN HATER. I am doing my best to change this character, but for some reason I always find it hard to be attracted to men. They might be good looking, tall, rich... but for me PERSONALITY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. Physical appearance depreciates, but personality stays consistent... well at least. When I like somebody, my eyes will always be on him. I usually ignore other men whenever I am attracted to someone.
8. I AM A CLEAN FREAK. I like cleaning a lot. I always look forward to weekend to clean my room and organize my things. I just HATE seeing disorganize environment. 
9. I LOVE SNEAKERS. Aren't they the most comfortable foot wear? If I have to choose among all footwear... I'll still choose sneakers.
10. I AM SHY. Bingo! I am. Really. You don;t know how shy I am until you get to know me.
11. I ALWAYS TALK TO GOD. I may not be the most religious person you'll ever met. I don't go to church that often. Believe it or not, I have a Journal where I write things that I want to talk about with God. I've been doing this since high school. It helps me a lot to be at ease because even if I cannot see him... I always feel that he's with me and that I can always talk with him.
12. I PREFER OLD MOVIES. 1918, 1922, 1938, 1943, 1968, 1975.... I collect movies from these periods. Black and white movies and classic beauty are the best!
13. FRUITS AND VEGETABLE; NO PORK AND BEEF PLEASE. Correct, Pork and Beef will give me heart attack. Every time I eat them... I feel like my body is so DIRTY. I am sorry, but I prefer CHICKEN.
14. I AM A TEA-HOLIC. Any kind of tea... GIVE ME.
15. I DON'T DRINK SODA. My body is 7 years free from SODA. Can you do it? I dare you.
16. CANDY OVER CHOCOLATE. If you want to cheer me up, just give me candies. Don't give me chocolates... I don't really like it.
17. I HAVE A VERY STRONG SELF CONTROL. I can control myself. Temptation is NOTHING TO ME... well, most of the time. 
18. ASIAN AND EUROPEAN CULTURE. Are my current addiction.
19. I LOVE NATURE. Anything that is clean and green; with flowers, windy environment with yellow orange lightning. I am so in love with nature.
20. I LOVE GIVING LOVE AND CARE. Some say that I am too self-less to the point of I have nothing to give to myself. Others are always on the top of my list that I sometimes forget myself. 

I don't mind if you don't care about these facts because I don't think someone will be so interested about me. I did this for the sake of being tagged by my friend... :)

Have a nice day everyone!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy (As of 10:53 am)

1. Eating breakfast. So yummy! Rolled oats, white egg omelet, fresh tomato, fresh papaya, lukewarm lemon water and green tea.
2. Drinking my hot green tea.
3. Playing guitar for an hour.
4. Crossing out things on my "to do list".
5. Writing this blog entry.

How To Have A Good Morning (Things That I've Learned)

(Photo by: Maritess Boudreau)

Happy New Year! I originally written this entry last year; October 7, 2014. I've decided to edit this because I wasn't really able to follow everything here. Honestly, I've been in a period of depression. Seriously, I never thought that I would be suffering this much mentally and emotionally. This emotional pain had... still have me. However, I am going to do my best to fight this. I want to bring back the color to my life. Wish me luck everyone, because I am really tired.

Few months ago, I've stumbled upon an article entitled "7 Things Healthy People Do Every Morning" from foodmatters.tv (you may click the link and read the article/blog). I started to do these seven things again after I came back from the road trip to Baguio City with my couins. I swear! These help me a lot to boost my mood in the morning. Morning is very important because this is the start of our day (except for those who have nocturnal job... I know... I know...), If you start your day feeling gloomy, down and blue the probability of spending the whole day feeling these is very high. However, if you will start your day feeling good about yourself despite work or school troubles...believe me, you will find yourself confident that you can do all things if you will start and focus your mind on the positive. Honestly, I find myself in a good mood, with happy disposition and with a positive mind. It amazes me how these things could actually help someone who has tons of problems and troubles. I know that everyone of us is fighting a battle of our own, that's why I want to share my experiences with these things that are helping me lately.

1. Drink A Glass Of Water As Soon As You Wake Up

In my case, I drink lukewarm lemon water and it's been almost a year and a half since I've started this morning routine. Drinking water or lemon/lime water in the morning helps us flush out the toxins from our body and it also helps in hydrating. Lemon and Lime are rich in vitamin C that helps to strengthen our immune system.

2. Do Not check Your Email Or Phone For At Least An Hour

Oh yes! I am guilty of checking my emails, Facebook, instagram, Skype and line as soon as I wake up. It's a BAD HABIT indeed. Because instead of being thankful and grateful for another morning and fresh day... I sometimes find myself disappointed, pressured, annoyed, irritated by some post of the people in the web... cyber acquaintances. So what I do now is that after waking up, I jump out of my bed and stretch my body. I flip my hair side by side and grab my guitar. I play at least one song before breakfast.

3. Think Of One Thing For Which You Have Gratitude

I have a small notebook on my study table wherein I write the things that I am grateful for. I am the kind of person who becomes grateful from a simple "good morning" from a friend or from my cousins, a sunny day, cloudy day, windy day, rainy day (except stormy day). I get happy from the smell of newly baked "Pandesal" or freshly toasted bread and fried eggs. Start your morning by feeling grateful about the simple things in your life.

4. Step Outside And Take A Deep Breath

Okay... I don't really do this when I am about to spend my day in the house, but what I do is that I open my window and shove my curtains aside to let the sunlight in. Taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling will help you release all the negativity from your body. It's like a process of detoxifying your body from all the negative vibes that lingers in/on/at you (lol for that).

5. Move Your Body

According to the article, it's not necessary to do an intense workout before breakfast. Who has time for that when you are running late from your job or school? Simply doing simple stretches, like what I have said, will wake up your senses leaving you feeling so much ALIVE. I actually do some random dance with my guitar in front of my mirror... like no one is watching.

6. Take Time To Eat A Healthy Breakfast

I used to eat cereals because it is very convenient. You only need to toss the cereals in your bowl and pour milk in it... voila! Hello Breakfast! Nowadays, my breakfast consists of Oatmeal, Fruits, Green Tea, Lemon Water and some protein such as tofu, chicken, fish or egg. If I don't have much time to eat in the morning, I bring my breakfast at work or at school. I don't go to fast food chains to buy their breakfast combo. No matter how convenient they are, I choose to eat food which can make me feel full, but low in calories and saturated fats. 

7. Say Your Affirmations

My Aunt taught me this... I asked her "Auntie Tess, what can I do to be happy in the morning like you?" And she said that every time she wakes up, she would go in front of her mirror to greet herself like this "GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!".

So I am doing the same thing now. Just now. I don't have to be shy to say that line because I am doing this for myself. It is my way to feel good about my body, my face and skin despite the facial demons that I am having right now. The heck with them! Start by "FEELING" good and beautiful... and you will be one.

Here are other things that I do:

1. Write On My Journal
2. Read And Update My "Dreams and Aspirations" Journal where I write the things that I want, things that I want to do and the person that I want to become.
3. Play My Guitar For At Least 30 Minutes For Relaxation (If I have much time... sometimes even I f I don't have...)
4. Read Books While Eating My Breakfast
5. Talk With Somebody

I hope these things will help you to have a GOOD MORNING!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Finishing my Homework. Success!!!!!
2. Exercising for an Hour. I need to get back in shape. I must.
3. That our dog Cloney is still alive. I thought she's going to leave us yesterday because she'd been acting so strange the whole day. 
4. Talking in skype with my Fairy Godparents. I feel blessed whenever I talk with them.
5. That I am still alive.
6. That my parents are in good health.
7. That I have True and Loyal friends.
8. That I have many cousins. I miss them now... I miss their noise.. 

A Tale Of Woe (May-June-July-August)

It's been a long time. I miss writing here so much. I've been busy with a lot of things lately. I suffered from depression, extreme panic attack, anxiety, stress... you name it. My life for the past four months had been a total darkness. Lights were out. Suffocation. Frustration. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to find the answers. I sought for solutions without knowing where to start. I'd been living like a puppet controlled by my own hands. I'd been following the fast flow of time.

I did what I have to do. I finished all my tasks. I moved on with my life carrying the scars and wound inflicted by disappointments and drastic changes I'd been through.

I got myself drunk in reading books. Tons of books. I spent my days in the library. Whenever sadness attacks my consciousness, I will always open my books to finish all my presentations in Graduate School. And you know what? I ended up finishing them ahead of deadline. Yet, without anything to do, crossing out all the things I must do on my "to do list" made me feel alone.

Do you know the feeling of being treated like a sadness absorber? The feeling is so UGLY... people come to me to talk about their sadness and I absorb their emotions. I sip it like a wine... it's not their fault, but mine alone. Too much Empathy towards others made me so sick.

Just remembering those four months... "I don't want to go back there again. Please."

I got my heart shattered. Not just broken because it was trampled on, tear into million pieces, crushed, squeezed... and I don't even know why! I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I mean, why? What's the reason? I kept asking myself... well, I am still asking myself.

I have a lot questions. I want to ask, but I couldn't find the perfect timing. Now that everything's falling into their right places... I don't want to ruin the calmness of my surroundings. I don't want to stir some trouble which will cause awkwardness.

I missed a lot of people. I want to tell that I miss them so much, but I can't say the words because I am afraid of being rejected again. I chose to keep the words in my heart.

I miss my smile, my laugh, the genuineness of happiness. The missing part is still missing. Believe it or not... I am trying my best to complete the incompleteness. I am doing my best to convince myself that my happiness lies within my hands.

September. I am doing great... but since yesterday I feel a little down. I want to do a lot of things! I want to get away from here and go somewhere else. I've been dreaming of a certain place over and over again... it's calling me. I want a new environment. I want to see all the people that I've met before. There's so many things that I want to do; alone and with someone.

Nevertheless, through these bad experiences... I came to understand myself better. I was able to improve myself and prove to others that even if I am carrying a lot of weigh of my shoulders... I could still balance my personal and professional life.

This is another random post... I just wanted to talk here...

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Eating green apple, grapes and oranges.
2. Playing the guitar and singing.
3. Writing
4. That I am still alive

Tonight As I Lay On My Bed

Tonight as I lay on my bed, the softest waft of the wind has entered my window. I can hear the billowing pelt of tiny drops of night rain which serves as a monotonous music on my background. The lights are out for I turned it off beforehand and it looks like the massive darkness became aware of my existence for it is trying to gradually consume me.

The full moon illuminates as its tiny gleam penetrates each aperture that is accessible. The softest breeze blows my ruddy curtain. My inexorably curly hair is spread out on top of my head; with its florid hue and superfluous cherry smell, one may think that I am a vain girl... but I am not. I am just desirous to recompense and thirsty to indemnify my flaws.

I am humming the tune of the last song I have heard. Its melody seemed to find a place in me, it feels at home as its note flows through every vein in my body, causing my mouth to form words owned by the lyrics of this song I can't even remember the title. I am tapping the fingers of my left hand, which are blessed with flexibility due from the painstakingly practicing guitar.

And now as I am lying on my back, I am stretching out my right hand through the darkness. I am trying to reach something which is painfully intangible in my tiny little world. I am trying to grasp something which is not there. It pains me to think that I will never be able to reach it, to grasp it, to touch it... or to even to lay my eyes on it again. My hands are so desirous to claim it... again. It is creating a tiny hole in my chest and it's drilling its way down causing me to hyperventilate. My head suddenly feels bigger and my mouth gapes as I am trying to exhale through it.

My eyes are starting to see a reflection. I furrow my brows as I try to focus on the obscure figure in front of me. It is the figure of someone my heart knows so much. Every lineament, every breadth, the familiar visage that I am longing to see, the variations of countenance that I fully memorized... The rapidity of time helped me memorize them all. Everything is achingly etched in my mind and soul. Even when I shut off my body, the persistency of my subconscious mind will insolently fuel myself up, creating an aperture to wake me and to remember what I am trying my best to forget. My subconscious mind is untying all the perplexing bundle of knots of my shut off mind to induce it to relinquish its stubborn disposition towards forgetting.

I close my eyes. I open my eyes and I am trying to stare blankly into the darkness which I feel now is paving way for a whit of tranquility of my mind.

Erix...

Collection Of Words 14: A Piece Of Mow

Ways To Mend Your Broken Heart

There are times in our life when we can’t seem to find a way out in a certain unfortunate situation. Times when we want to give up.

Times when your frustration eats you because you can’t think of solutions to solve your problems. Times when you feel that everyone is deserting you because of your everyday drama. Times when you feel that people only know your name when they needed something from you and after getting what they wanted, you will be back as a stranger to them; a nobody; a staff in a Favor Bank (Just like what Paulo Coelho said in his book “The Zahir”). Times when you just want to disappear so that everything will stop, your surroundings will be in a state of idleness and you will not hear anything; even your breathing and the beat of your heart will be dissolved into nothingness.

You feel helpless. No matter what other people say to you, they don’t create a certain spark that will wake you up from the slumber of brokenness. In other words, you are already drowning and on the verge of slipping into the deep abyss of sadness. In that place, you can’t see clearly for even a tiny bright light that may lead you out is cannot be seen. You are lost on your way, there’s no one to guide you, there’s no one to pull you up, there’s no one who will say “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Why? Because even if there are people who are trying to help you, trying to pull you up; people who are willing to lend their helping hands to get you out from your misery… you are deaf from all their help since you shut them up in order to focus on your problems and solving each one of them by laying them out in front causing you to see only the excruciating pain and agonizing wounds which are making you simultaneous blind.

The help will start inside of you. If you will not try to help yourself first, the help from other people will only be in vain. Useless words, no matter how inspirational they are, for you are already deaf and blind. But you can still have the sense of touch. You can still feel for if not, you will not be able to feel the pain. If you start by helping yourself to get up, you will get the affinity that you desire the most to achieve the peace of mind.

Do Not Feel Rejected (General)

The person you love cannot love you back. The person you love, love someone else. The person you love rejected you. Rejected you because you are not the person they want.

Remember “The” person. This article pertains to a single specific thing. If you are rejected by a single person, it doesn’t mean that the whole world already rejected you. How about your friends? Your family? Did they reject you? Are they rejecting you? Maybe they are the one who are trying to help you see the light. Maybe they are the one who are trying to guide you out of your painstakingly terrible situation.

I know that it’s hard because I have experienced this. Believe me or not, but it took me 4 years to get over a certain situation. But when I met TRUE friends who gave me an honest and unbiased advice, I was awakened from my deep sleep.

Do you know what you must do? You have to listen to the tiny little voice inside of you that is saying “Wake up. The reality is the real world. Stop living in your imagination that everything is still the same. Time changes everything and you have to accept the FACT that he/she is not part of your life anymore.”

By accepting what REALLY happened to you, you will feel that some of the weight on your shoulders will disappear, if not gradually, slowly at least. You need to accept the fact. It’s hard? Yes, it is. It’s painful? Very much. It hurts and it feels like you’re going to die? Yes of course. But as what Socrates has said “Beautiful things are Hard.” So, in order to efface every hindrance in front for you to move on… you have to exert efforts, you must fight, you must accept and release everything so that you will start seeing the world beautiful again.

Remember. You are not REJECTED. Don’t let a single person ruin your perception about love and relationship.

Make The Most Of Bad Situations

You are not motivated to the things that you must do because it’s like starting all over again; starting from scratch. You have no idea what to do with your life. You don’t know the reason why you are experiencing such torment and no matter how much you contrive, you cannot think of any plan how to get out of your situation to end your misery.

It doesn’t matter if you are a pessimist or an optimist, but if you want to help yourself, you will do anything, right? As long as it needs a just action.

You must treat these bad situations as a lesson in your life. The mistakes that you made in the past that caused you misery will serve as a fuel for you to move on. You have to use them as inducements to make your life better.

“You are not good enough.” Then make yourself good enough, not for the person who told you this, but for the people that are important to you.

“I don’t like you because you are not like her.” Then be yourself. You don’t have to change yourself to be someone who is not you. Self-actualization is a must in this competitive globalized environment and you must accept yourself first. Acceptance will lead you to knowing yourself better. This proper knowledge about oneself will help you to make use of your capabilities and abilities for the benefit of many people. Remember, you don’t need to please everyone because it is normal for someone to hate you. If the person you love doesn’t like you because you’re not outgoing, because you like reading books, because you like playing instrument instead of going to concerts, because you like studying, because you don’t wear sexy clothes, because you are not like the other girls or women… then this person is not worth your precious time. If this person really loves you, he/she will accept you no matter what and who you are.

Learn New Things

One of the best remedy for a broken heart is to learn new things. You feel depressed and it’s eating you up alive. This can make your skin dry, can trigger an acne breakout, can make you feel fat, can make you feel ugly, can make you see things as dark. Sounds ugly, right? Then you must alleviate your attention from the things which depresses you. If you will only focus from what is bad and not on what is good… everything will be bad on your perspective. Your world will be in chaos; random strings which are out of place.

Personally speaking, learning how to play guitar helped me a lot to lessen my depression. And honestly speaking, I am a mortally wounded and depressed person ever since. I already accepted the fact that some people around me don’t like me for who I am. They don’t like what I am doing and they don’t appreciate anything from me. But along the way, I came to like and love myself because this is how I was made… the only thing I can do is to enhance myself.

By focusing on new activities, it will help you focus on the positive side of life. Learning will always start from scratch. The process of learning, although difficult is worth it, if you let yourself enjoy what you are doing. Enjoyment is associated with happiness… you will gradually feel that the tension in your body will lessen. And of course the result? Your depression will somehow be relieved. You cannot really erase it, but at least you can do something to lessen it that will lead you to have a happy disposition in life.

Try to learn something new. Drawing perhaps, writing, reading books, Zumba, dance fitness. Go to the gym, try a new sport… let yourself be active and rest your heart from the heavy burden of a broken heart.

Say No To Revenge

Somebody treated you like a piece of trash? Treated you as a mere past-time? Considered you as a reservation? Made you feel like an important person without knowing that you were just a sadness reliever… in short, a person made you feel very small. You self-pitied. You are now hurting and in great pain. You feel angry. You wanted to hurt the other person to let him/her know the pain that you are going through.

But… please don’t. If you are aiming for a peace of mind, the best thing you can do is to accept what happened and of course learned from it. You hate what is happening to you right now, right? Then why do you need to let other people feel the same way as you do, if you already know how painful it is to be in your situation? Revenge will not do you good. This will only create more pain inside of your heart. This will only make you feel more confused.

Let time do the revenge for you. Remember that there are BAD KARMA and this will hit a person very fast. It’s like a sneaking venom that will strike a defenseless person.

I also suggest not to post “TOO MUCH” hatred on your SNS accounts. Do you know why? Because this action can make you look like a PATHETIC attention seeking person. You hate the term. I know. If you want to express your hatred, write it down; on your diary, journal, blog (like what I am doing) or on any piece of paper.

But please do not do reckless things that will lead to your ruin. Because if you do, you will be the poor loser at the end.

Always Remember That You Are Not Ugly

Rejection doesn’t mean that you are ugly although it can make you feel as one. Beauty is all about the way you see yourself. If other people call you ugly, that’s their opinion, that’s how they see you… it is not yours but theirs. As I have said before, everything will have to start from you. Start from feeling beautiful. Start from accepting your flaws. Do not be overwhelmed by advertisements you see on media. They were PHOTSHOPPED. They were ENHANCED. Marketers and advertisers use this marketing strategy to promote their products and enticed the market to buy them. Wake up! You are not ugly. Do you know what you must do? That is to enhance what you already have.

Physically speaking, wearing appropriate makeup will not make you look like a “Hooker”, a “Flirt”, a “Prostitute” or a “Whore” neither. Makeup, if use appropriately and adequately can make you look and feel beautiful. It can give you confidence. It’s a women’s defense, so use it.

The next thing to do is to clean your inside. Set aside all negative thoughts. Start thinking about happy thoughts. As for me, I always write on my mini notebook “Things that made me happy” because they will always remind me that life is indeed beautiful no matter how unfair it is.

Do good things and be good. Be considerate and patience. Don’t let anger ruin your beauty. Do not plant seed of grudge inside you because if this will grow… you will be a person oozing with negative aura and people will avoid you.

Start by being good and true to yourself. Love yourself. Make yourself beautiful not only on the outside but also in the inside.


Always remember that YOU ARE A TREASURE and the person who will find you will treat you as one. You are not alone… you have your friends and family with you so stop feeling neglected and abandoned. Let yourself be exposed to change and do not be afraid about the future. Focus on what’s IMPORTANT and stop wasting your time on people who can’t even give you a tiny space in their life. Do not force them to like or love you. If they don’t want you, then don’t. The earth is a big place. Do not push yourself in a tiny space. Your time is PRECIOUS. You are beautiful if you see yourself as one.

Just BE YOURSELF and step out from your shadow.

Have a great day!

Sincerely,

Erica/Erix

 

Blog // Why I Like Writing (5 Reasons)

(Draft For My Collection Of Words)

 

It’s been almost three years since I started this blog. Since then, I have continued to write here whatever goes on my mind. Random things that interest me, things that I’m doing, my thoughts, my emotions, my ideas, my opinions, recipe etc.… anything goes.

 

People asked me questions like:

“Do you write to become famous? Do you want people to know you?”

“Why do you write?”

“What are you thinking whenever you write?”

“Writing is such a waste of time, why do you do it?”

“Do you think you’ll be rich if you write?”

 

I always get these questions from people who are supposed to support me in writing.. Unfortunately, they can’t understand why I like to write.

“Do you write to become famous? Do you want people to know you?”

Of course not. I never dreamed of becoming famous. As much as possible, I want to stay anonymous. But the things on my blog, I share them to selected people… people in my PRIVATE Facebook account and Instagram. I like it when strangers read my blog. Because they don’t really care much who I really am, they give me HONEST and unbiased opinion… and they don’t insult me.

I like writing because:

Emotional Therapy

I’ve been in many bad situations. I met cruel and insulting people. I’ve been backstabbed by people whom I thought were my friends. I was treated like a piece of SH*T. People disappointed me again and again… and these things that happened to me caused me a lot of emotional issues.

I am not like other people who can fight ASAP. I didn’t have the guts and the confidence to express what I felt during those situations and I still don't. Most of the time, I keep everything to myself. Talking to others about them would be in vain, because some of them will not let me finish with my story first, they will insert theirs and the next thing I knew we would be talking about his/her situation, not mine. So instead of releasing what’s inside me, I always ended up carrying a heavier burden on my shoulders compared before. The results are stress and depression, which are two of the main reasons why I write.

 

In writing, I have the freedom to express what I want to express and to say what I want to say which I am not capable of saying in person. There are a lot of hindrances in communicating verbally with other people and the best way for me to speak my mind is through writing.

 

Every time I write, I feel that my mind and my hands are in some kind of an agreement because they work in unity.

 

Writing helped me and still helping me to ease the sadness, stress, depression, frustration, tension, confusion. I just write everything on a piece of paper. Sometimes in rhyming words (Collection of words), sometimes through a dramatic short story, etc.…

 

Writing is an Emotional Therapy for me. In writing, I can find peace of mind, even if only for a short time.

 

Communication Channel With Strangers

It is never my intention to have readers. I started sharing my blog just last year to selected friends whom I know will understand me and will never insult me. I don’t even put on tags on my posts.

However, some strangers or people from other countries will sometimes stumble on my blog. I don’t know if they read my posts in detail, but there were some who sometimes send me emails, extending their appreciation on a certain post.

It’s nice to know that there are people who can relate to my boring life.

 

A Way Of Creating My Own Tiny Little World

I am a City Woman. I was born in a City and sometimes I feel tired being here. Too much pollution, noise, crowded places, partying here and there, the constant back-biting of people… it’s tiring to be in this kind of environment. Whenever I feel tired being here, I just write and re-read my blog posts. Why? Because I can release everything through writing. I can express my appreciation about everyday life tiny miracles like sunshine, sunrise, sunset, birds, flowers, nature, etc.… without being judged as a soft hearted weird human being. Whenever I say my thoughts about them, my listeners will call me a CHEESY, CORNY and DRAMATIC person. Is it really? I just like expressing my appreciation with everything around me, because these things are some of the reasons why I am not giving up the society I am currently in to.

 

Helped/Helps Me To Be Open Minded

Even before I started writing, I was a bookworm first and I still am. My friends say that “I devour books like a glutton devour their food” (From “The Innocent Traitor” by Alison Weir”). Reading a lot helped me widen my vocabulary, review my grammar and learn things which I didn’t know before. Reading and writing enlightened me about Life, Love, Beauty and Death. They helped me understand myself more and they are helping me to understand other people now. Writing enlightened me and I want to be enlightened, more in the future.

 

Best Remedy For Heartache

I’ve seen a lot of broken hearted women who write in their journal to ease their heartache. I’m doing this “Writing on my Diary” thing ever since. Heartache about love or about anything that is causing your heart to feel pain. Sometimes, we lose important people in our lives, sometimes people leave us without saying goodbye, sometimes they hurt us without the intention to… and these causes us heartache. The best way to somehow ease the pain is to “Write” it down on a piece of paper.

 

So those are my 5 basic reasons why I write. Do we have the same reason?… Or maybe you’re too lazy to write?  But believe me or not, Writing helped me to become a BETTER person. Try it sometimes and you’ll see what I am talking about.

I write not to impress, but to express and if other people can’t understand this… I can’t do anything but to accept their opinion, even if sometimes it hurts me to be criticized in a destructive way.

Have a good day everyone!

Sincerely,

Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Writing this blog post. I hope that the people who will read this will somehow relate with my 5 Basic Reasons Why I Write.
2. My book package arrived yesterday. One of my weird hobbies is collecting old books. I'm so happy because I was able to get a 1961 copy of Leo Tolstoy Resurrection. Yes! :)
3. Exercising and drinking my Lemon Water Detox.
4. Reading "The Republic Of Plato" while eating my breakfast. I enjoyed my toast because of my strawberry jam. I love strawberry! <3
5. Playing guitar and singing along. I don't care if I am not good... I just wanted to release some stress because lately... I am not happy.
6. That I am still ALIVE. :)