My Deformity

I am a deformed human being. I have cracks, holes and apertures caused by the constant hewing of insults and hurtful words. I have received a number of bullets and I let them hit me; although, I have tried to defend myself...yet always in vain. I have used my hands as shield, but always in vain. I have used my hair to cover my ears from the voices of adversaries, but always in vain. I have used every part of my body as a shield... as a defense, but then again... always in vain.

I let myself be blown away wherever the wind would take me for I am tired of resisting; for I am tired of defending myself; for I am tired of being a victim.

Deformity? What is Deformity? I believe that it is the highest form of art. I have been deformed and I am still continuously being deformed. Without these hideous physical and emotional traits, I will be nothing in this world; I will be nothing to them; I will be nothing to... to me. I have sacrificed the few beautiful traits I had to acquire something that will define me, as well as segregate me from the ordinariness of my surroundings.

Believe me, I have accepted my differences from others. The realization on how my uniqueness touches people's life was able to diminish the worthlessness I had used to define myself. Although, being me hurts other parts of myself, my desire to stop pleasing other people so as to be accepted in a society where everybody is a photocopy of everyone else, inspired me to be who I really want to be. 

This opportunity I am presently bestowing upon myself will hopefully pave way to my mastery of turning off my five senses, Neutral. The kind of life I have been so desirous of.

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I am so tired with my everyday life. I know that I should not complain because I have a job... but this is not what I WANT. From my first day, I have felt that I do not belong there. I cannot imagine myself doing the exact same thing over and over and over again. Yes. Yes. Yes. I should be thankful for what I have; however, if you're going to ask me about my goal in this world, my answer would be "To touch someone's life. To inspire. To lift up other people." Why? It is because I know the feeling of being trampled on, to be alone and lonely; the feeling of worthlessness.

When I was teaching, although, the salary was way way way tooooooo low, it made me feel so COMPLETE. Being able to make someone learn something new, make them understand... receiving sincere gratitude; intangible things like these are enough to make me happy. I always went home with my heart full of... hope and love. Nowadays, I am experiencing the EXACT opposite. (Cries silently)

That's why, if I have more money, I am going to invest it in a school or academy because my heart belongs in the ACADEME. It has been calling me ever since I stopped teaching. Nevertheless, I am exerting 100% effort in accomplishing my tasks because I want the salary being given to me by the government to be WORTH IT. In addition, I've had a number of opportunities to learn something new and to be exposed in a different kind of environment... although I am alone (not lonely) most of the time (which I PREFER).

The tiredness I have been experiencing since the first day of December caused me to isolate myself from the society I currently belong. I often have "me time" these days. I want to be alone and I enjoy it. I have started to talk to strangers again such as fellow book hunters, tea enthusiast and sales assistants, as well as shop owners. 

This afternoon, I went out to buy matcha green tea latte. I wrote the collection of words at CBTL, thus, the first photo. And then I walked until I found myself in front of the bookstore. It was not yet open so I sat in front of the store. A lot of people were passing by, but I did not care. I was concentrating with the books on the display shelves. And you know what, it was sooo relaxing!

And this is me at that time. My eyes looked so tired. I actually had a headache and extreme back pain, but I was like "Whatever".

This photo was taken last night. I did not want to leave the place... I wanted to stay a little longer, but I was sooo sleepy and my mother was there so, what choice did I have but to go back to the dorm and sleep.

So, yes. Depression attacked me this week. If you only knew how hard it is for me to re-focus my attention every day.

Sincerely,
Erica

Things that I am grateful for:

1. Checking all the items on my to do list.
2. Playing ukulele; the only instrument I have here in my dorm.
3. Book stare mode.
4. Drinking matcha green tea latte.
5. Roaming the city.
6. Talking to strangers and listening to their stories.
7. My mother.

ERIS IS HERE

I am on the verge disappearing. Again. Again. Again. I want to ask for help, but to whom? I will be just a nuisance, a bother. I feel so empty and I want to remove the the cage inside my body. The cage does not contain anything. It's a heavy burden that I am carrying everyday. I want to sleep for a very long time. I want to... I just want to disappear.

What am I doing here? What is my purpose? I am living a life that is not mine. But what is mine? I don't know.... I have no idea. I am so lost.

Everyday I pretend that I am okay, that everything is fine. People think that I do not have problems and they even consider me as someone who is living like a princess. But they know nothing about me... they know nothing about my deepest thoughts that always fall to death.

I imagine myself floating somewhere. I imagine myself as a leaf being blown away by the harsh December wind. I imagine myself as the autumn leaves being walked on by millions of people... dried, trampled... that will be replaced by the fresh leaves that will bloom in Springtime.

I am tired. I want to go where I want to go... but where do I want to go? I want to be with someone... but with whom? I want to give love and happiness... but I don't even know how to give these to myself? How? Why? I don't know...

What is happening? I am drowning... Eris is here.