These past few days I noticed that I seemed to be lacking in self control. I tend to do things that I shouldn't be doing, but no matter how hard I tried to subconciously scold myself , my mind didn't want to listen.
Sigh. I am in the middle of reviewing for a MAJOR EXAMINATION.... but look... instead of focusing on absorbing the information that are waiting to be absorb I am here writing my thoughts.
Suffocated. I am. I don't know how am I going to release the burden, the imaginary blocks that I am carrying on my shoulders... I am scared to what might happen to me in the future... I have lots of worries that are eating me up! reason why I can't focus on what's "NOW".
That is the problem. Instead of being in "NOW" I am trying to jump ahead of time... the "Future"; and because of that I tend to neglect what's happening to me in "NOW". I know the "should be" and the consequences of not doing them but I can't really explain why am I doing these time consuming things.
Have you ever felt like you're in the middle of nowhere? Or maybe you're in a crowded place and you are the stranger among the rest? I feel like I am LOST. I am nowhere to be found. I am nowhere. I am nothing. Not even a single cell.
Self pitying. I should stop this. My friends were scolding me. They said that I should stop being a pessimist once and for all. But how? Should I start from scratch? Should I act as if I don't feel anything? I've been there and I hated that kind of life. All those pretenses that made me more suffocated, that triggered my insomnia. Sleepless nights were hell to me. I was physically and mentally disoriented. I don't want to go back there. Ever again.
Imagine yourself lying on your bed and hearing the conversation that you had with other people containing all the negativity that causes your mind to be overloaded with worries. It is as if you wanted to bang your head on the wall until you pass out.
On the end of the day. The villain in my life.... The Antagonist in my own life story is myself... but at the same time I am the supporting actress and the Protagonist. How Ironic.
Prayer. Yes. He is the only one that can help me in this kind of situation. Ask and I shall received. I can even ask for a rain and I know by heart that he will give me springtime. I know that He is always there to listen to me and even if I can't see Him, I can feel Him everywhere.
I should help my self to stand again.
