I don't know where to start. I have so much to say but I can't find the right words to express what happened to me.
First of all, one of my dreams that will serve as a door to my other dreams was shattered into million pieces. I cannot just paste or glued those pieces together. It seemed like I've wasted my 2 years of working so hard to achieve my goal. I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I sacrificed lots of thing; my happiness, my hobbies, my body, my health and every tiny little cell of me ,but those were nothing. They are not enough to achieve it. I feel like crying whenever I remember how much I wanted to be where I wanted to be during those days. My heart is aching whenever I repeated the scenes wherein I almost detached my soul from my body in order to achieve that goal. I am disappointed with myself for disappointing my parents. I am mad with myself for giving too much happiness to the antagonist of my life. I am too kind, you know that... because twice this year I have given them the joy to laugh at me and to insult me behind my back.
... but this is too much. My confidence level is hitting negative now. I have nothing left inside of me. I am so ashamed to face other people because of the frustrations caused by what happened to me. I am like a child who is very afraid of what might happen in the not too near future. I don't know how am I going to start. How should I start from the beginning if that beginning is blurry in my vision? How am I suppossed to take a step forward if there's a wall hindering my path? what should I do now?
I just want to stop for a while. Take a deep breath and do what I want to do. To read what I want to read and to draw my emotions on a piece of paper and share it to the whole wide world. Maybe in that way... the burden on my shoulders would subside little bit. I know that 2012 is not my year... but I am not going to give up. I know that someday that goal... I will be able to reach it for sure. All I needed is perseverance and trust on Him. Because no matter what happens... even if every single person will turn their back on me... He will be always there to guide me. I know it.
Aki
