It's been a long time. I miss writing here so much. I've been busy with a lot of things lately. I suffered from depression, extreme panic attack, anxiety, stress... you name it. My life for the past four months had been a total darkness. Lights were out. Suffocation. Frustration. I had a lot of questions. I wanted to find the answers. I sought for solutions without knowing where to start. I'd been living like a puppet controlled by my own hands. I'd been following the fast flow of time.
I did what I have to do. I finished all my tasks. I moved on with my life carrying the scars and wound inflicted by disappointments and drastic changes I'd been through.
I got myself drunk in reading books. Tons of books. I spent my days in the library. Whenever sadness attacks my consciousness, I will always open my books to finish all my presentations in Graduate School. And you know what? I ended up finishing them ahead of deadline. Yet, without anything to do, crossing out all the things I must do on my "to do list" made me feel alone.
Do you know the feeling of being treated like a sadness absorber? The feeling is so UGLY... people come to me to talk about their sadness and I absorb their emotions. I sip it like a wine... it's not their fault, but mine alone. Too much Empathy towards others made me so sick.
Just remembering those four months... "I don't want to go back there again. Please."
I got my heart shattered. Not just broken because it was trampled on, tear into million pieces, crushed, squeezed... and I don't even know why! I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I mean, why? What's the reason? I kept asking myself... well, I am still asking myself.
I have a lot questions. I want to ask, but I couldn't find the perfect timing. Now that everything's falling into their right places... I don't want to ruin the calmness of my surroundings. I don't want to stir some trouble which will cause awkwardness.
I missed a lot of people. I want to tell that I miss them so much, but I can't say the words because I am afraid of being rejected again. I chose to keep the words in my heart.
I miss my smile, my laugh, the genuineness of happiness. The missing part is still missing. Believe it or not... I am trying my best to complete the incompleteness. I am doing my best to convince myself that my happiness lies within my hands.
September. I am doing great... but since yesterday I feel a little down. I want to do a lot of things! I want to get away from here and go somewhere else. I've been dreaming of a certain place over and over again... it's calling me. I want a new environment. I want to see all the people that I've met before. There's so many things that I want to do; alone and with someone.
Nevertheless, through these bad experiences... I came to understand myself better. I was able to improve myself and prove to others that even if I am carrying a lot of weigh of my shoulders... I could still balance my personal and professional life.
This is another random post... I just wanted to talk here...
Sincerely,
Erica/Erix
Things that made me happy:
- Eating green apple, grapes and oranges.
- Playing the guitar and singing.
- Writing
- That I am still alive
