(Photo by: Frances Marie)
"Someone Turned Off The Light"
By: Erica/Erix
Date Written: October 2013
Inspiration: Girl in the Mirror
Someone turned off the light. I fell down into the labyrinth of one sidedness. I watched the process of falling down and it was full of sweet yet bitter scenes.
I accumulated tears in my eyes... tears that can't be shed in this lifetime for I don't even have the right to own these tears. I feel like a rogue thief who possess something that I shouldn't have.
But... somebody stole something from me too. I don't know when, I don't know where, I don't why, I don't how but I know "WHO".
The incompleteness that I feel every time I wake up in the morning, every time I go to sleep, every time I'm alone managed to etch itself deep inside me. Nothing and Nobody can erase it except for "WHO".
If I could only convey everything. If I could only decipher the unspoken words and letters... If I only have the courage to let it all out. Courage? But, isn't it courageous enough for me to initiate almost everything? Isn't it courageous enough for me to utter words that I don't usually say? Isn't it courageous enough for me to decide what I wanted? Isn't it courageous enough for me to risk every pride I have into something that clearly don't have the interest to open its door for me no matter how many times I knock? Isn't it courageous enough for me to make myself look like a pathetic woman amidst of this so called sweet yet bitter one sidedness?
No matter how much I control myself not to be like this... nature turned its own course to put me in this position. Time naturally helped the nature.
No matter how much I give, no matter how much effort I exert, no matter how many spoken and written words I convey... they don't matter at all. I don't matter.
Atoms and molecules can be seen using a scientific instrument but I may be comprised of something that's even more invisible in the naked eyes. Something that's invaluable, worthless, null.
The dreadful reality, the aching emptiness of my world.. I want to embrace myself and hush everything. But I am afraid of the deafening silence because in silence I remember vividly the yesterdays that I already memorized. I can smell the scent of sweet yet bitter smell of "Cigaro".
I sometimes hate myself for having a good memory because I can remember every tiny detail that's making me realize how heavy it is, how painful it is, how sad it is to be in this sweet yet bitter one sidedness.
How ironic! To be caught by something dreadfully precious... when I'd already decided and sworn that I would not be affected with the exquisite emotion that I once considered frivolous. How ironic! To be caught by something I considered invisible and not true.
Irony. Emptiness. Possible/Probable Rejection.
Possible rejection; if this is the process... please, just turn me into a bubble that will disappear in one blink of an eye. A bubble that will belong into nothingness once it is touch.
Possible Rejection. An abstract intangible thing that run in my head. I sometimes wonder, does it ever feel tired? Because I am tired of watching it eat every single source of my hope....
If you ever felt this way once in your life, you will understand me..
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I wrote this before my eye operation. I was very emotional at that time. I couldn't talk to anybody because everytime I tell them my feelings people will start talking. All I wanted was a "LISTENER". Someone who will listen and not talk. I gave up looking for that someone and decided to write... write... and write...
Have a good day!
With all my LOVE,
Erica/Erix
