2014: Things That I Am Thankful For

Last day of 2014. As I look back on everything that has happened to me this year, I realized that I've met a series of unfortunate events.

1. Sickness. When I needed to stop working due to health problems. The smell of hospital which I really hate... 
2. I lost some friends; very close friends. Time changes everything, including people. They said that they want to cut all ties with me and I accepted it. Though it hurts so much, I couldn't just force myself to people who doesn't want me to be part of their life anymore.
3. Disagreements.
4. Backstabbing. Unfortunately, I've met a number of traitors this year.
5. Depression. It's like I've been going in and out of a certain room called "Depression".
6. Stress caused by inconsiderate people.

I experienced painful things that taught me how to be strong. I became more patient. I've learned to endure stressful situation.

Of course, there are many thing that I am grateful for this year. I find happiness in misery. Sadness makes me more productive and it inspires me to work harder.

Here are things that I am thankful and grateful for

Wishes Granted

My year started preparing for a trip that I'd been desirous for a long time. This wish was first written on my wish notebook when I was in Elementary. I was 10 years old then. After 13 years, that wish was granted by my aunt. I don't know how am I going to express how grateful I am for her. She's like a fairy godmother who grants wishes of damsel in distress.

Because of her, I was able to meet my former students who became my friends and became part of my life. Thank you Auntie Tess. I know you're going to read this. I will never forget the things you've let me experience by giving me the opportunity to go to Japan. <3

To my cousin who granted my wish to speak inside the church and during her wedding reception, Thank you. I am very grateful for the dress I was able to wear. I love laces. :) Though I really hated my hair, still I was one of the happiest people during her wedding. I will never forget that day. :)

The trip to UP DILIMAN with my cousins which I randomly wrote on my wish notebook was also granted this year. It was one of the happiest moment of this year.

The Ukulele I got for myself this Christmas. I have a thing for string instruments. I always find the sound they create as something that is really amazing. In just a day, I was able to play and sing a number of songs. :)

This is the acoustic-electric guitar I got for my birthday. :) My mother gave me this... I wanted a color brown though. Haha! The strings got broken two weeks ago because I was relieving my stress; I played hard.

The time I went to Cool Beans Cafe with my MBA buddies. I was pestering and persuading them to go there and they granted my wish. :)

And the trip to Baguio with my cousins. We've met a series of unfortunate events, frustrating and irritating situations, but we had fun at the end. We bonded and the trip made us more close... well I hope because this what I feel.

And last, the Birthday wish and Christmas wish that came true. I will not elaborate here, there were simple wishes which seemed impossible but God made it possible! He's really great! I will never forget it.

My Fairy Godparents

During my period of depression, they were there for me. They always talk to me, send me messages in facebook. They always check me out and give me advice. They encouraged me and convinced me that everything would be alright.

There are times when it's really difficult for me to express myself and talk with other people. Since, I don't want to bother my mother too much, I always go to my Fairy Godparents to open up about  everything that's bothering me. I can be honest with them. I can tell them almost everything and they are always willing to LISTEN. Thank you so much!

My MBA Buddies

Being an introvert and a former agoraphobic, it's really nice to meet friends from different ages. I can call them Brothers and Sisters and I can treat them as my family the way they treat me. At first they thought that I was a snob (which is the usual impression of me), but they welcomed me in their group and I am very grateful for that. :) These friends taught me a lot of things since they older and far more experienced than me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. They are the reason why I always look forward to go to school. :) Of course... I like studying with them!

Good Grades

Sadness makes me more productive. When I am sad or troubled I always pour everything on things that I must finish such as homework, reports, research papers, presentations. Despite every bad things that had happened to me, I am thankful because I was able to get a good result.

My Arts

My art helps me to have a peace of mind. Focusing with the colors and the curves and all the lines and details on my sketch pad, watercolor pad or canvass helps me to set aside all my troubles. It's like drinking alcohol, you can forget almost everything and sadness would be replaced by feeling of accomplishment after seeing the finished product of my imagination.

Being able to play Musical Instruments

When I was a kid, I've written in my diary that I wanted to learn to play at least three musical instruments. Growing up, I have uncles who likes to sing and relatives who always play music like "The Cranberries" and I could remember that I used to sing out loud while inventing the lyrics of the song. I'm not good in playing and singing, but I can. I use music to relieve my stress and it helps me a lot. This year... music and arts serve as medicine and I am very grateful to the people who appreciates my "Shame-less" video which I uploaded on my private facebook account. To Rino-chan who looks forward and listens to my songs. Thank you.

My Family

My cousins, my aunts and uncles, my parents... everyone. This year... was all about bonding with them. I want our relationship to be really close. :)

Handwritten Letters

I love writing long hand written letters and I love receiving one too. I prefer letters than email when it comes to expressing emotions and feeling because I find it more sincere. The person writing is exerting an effort and that is a plus for me. To everyone who gave me letters.. Thank you so much. They are safe in my letter box. :)

Friends and Students

Believe or not, I always look forward to go to work and school to see everyone. I am always alone, and talking with different kinds of people is such a nice experience. I treasure everyone who treats me well.

My Mother

My best friend, my true love... my mother. I am very thankful to have a mother like her. She sometimes act like my age that's why we really bonded and we are really close. She gave everything I needed; emotional support, advice, EVERYTHING! I will never forget everything she has given me and I hope we can continue this kind of relationship when we get older. I love my mama so much. :) To my friends who like my mother... Thank you.

To all the people who became part of my 2014... THANK YOU for making my year colorful! Thank you for being part of it and for giving me opportunities to learn many things about life!

I hope to become part of your life next year and the year after that.

Have a great day Everyone!

Good bye 2014!

Let's all welcome 2015 with smile on our lips and with a positive mind. I hope I can... well... I will.

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

In The Middle Of Nowhere

"Lessons once learned are so hard to forget it though..."
Middle of Nowhere by Ellegarden

I once believed that if you would not mind what other people say to you... everything would be okay. But closing your ears from the world, from reality is difficult as swallowing a number of pills without water and with a dry throat. 

You know, I've been thinking that maybe the problem is within me or maybe the problem is me. No matter how clean you are, no matter how kind you are, caring and thoughtful you are, sincere you are, and honest you are... there will be people who'll criticize you for everything that you do.

Stress and depression are like magnets that are pulling me to the center of gravity called darkness. I am in the middle of nowhere and I am desirous to turn off all the lights, shut down all my circuits, and cut myself off from the world. I don't mean that I want to die, all I want is a few days of straight slumber... without waking up. I need to re-charge for I feel like I am overly used by people. Why? I feel so tired with everything. I see the world with its monotonous appearance. People looks the same. I hear the same thing everyday. I see the same thing. Everyday seems like yesterday... no change. It's like I'm in a place where it is simultaneously quiet and and noisy.

Going to places where other people USUALLY go made me "USUAL". By doing the same thing that other people do... these things sucked my uniqueness. It absorbed my very identity reason why I feel like I became one of them.

But then, my greatest foe is MYSELF. That's right. My inner demons are trying to ruin me. They are pushing everything aside to make way for my deepest and darkest thoughts. My defenses are being crashed and smashed into tiny million pieces. Every foundation I built to secure them from their container are being broken. Their unity is astounding!

The funny thing is, people around me always assume that the cause of my overwhelmingly dark aura is my love life. Oh no. Love life. Men. This is not the right time to think about them. My love life caused me stressed and a broken heart. Besides, I will never push myself onto someone who clearly doesn't want me. I had enough of it.

And when I look and stare at myself on the mirror. I see the very vision of EMPTINESS, BROKENNESS... after absorbing all the negativity of others who poured their hearts on me... I have no one to listen to me; to release myself from this misery.

What am I saying? What the hell am I saying again? Ah... yes... I am in the part where I want to say I am very tired. I am so tired. I am so weak... you know what I want? PEACE OF MIND. But I guess, it will be a long journey for me to see the light again.

Christmas is coming... but I can't feel anything. Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ... I don't need gifts or anything. For now, It's more than enough that I can write on my journal to talk to HIM. Right now, I can feel that He's the only one who is really willing to listen.

Have a good night.

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

THAT I AM STILL ALIVE.

October 2014 Part 2: Road trip... University of the Philippines Diliman

(Photo by: Maritess Boudreau)

Two months ago, I was randomly writing on my "Dream and Aspiration" journal about the things that I want to do before this year ends. I've written about "Road Trip with cousins at UP Diliman". Surprisingly, it really happened! I was so happy. Really happy.

I missed my cousins a lot. I'd lived like a "Prisoner" for the past months, since I was in the middle of writing my drafts, writing my reports, studying for weekly exams.... school works... and personal problems which I don't want to elaborate here anymore. Yes, I got depressed... well, I still am. During this period, I was looking for support and shoulders to lean on, but I felt like everyone was so far, out of reach and the only thing I could do at that time was to write, read and send messages to my cousins and to my fairy godparents (BBG, you know who you are guys...). Those helped me to somehow get a grip on reality that "I can do this". I was able to focus and voila! It's Semester break and I am now with my  favorite and important people in my life!

Enough with the drama!

So yes. I was with my Aunt and my cousins during this "Road Trip". We enjoyed walking around and taking countless pictures. We took advantage of the weather and scenery. It was so green and windy which I really like. I love nature. If not only for the shoes that I was wearing that day, I would have fully enjoyed the walk. My feet was aching so much and I forgot to bring my spare sandals.

Oh... It would be nice if I could stay here for a long time, but we needed to go somewhere... Next time, maybe on December we're going to come back here. The branches and the trees and of course the path walks; I love them so much. It made me feel like I was in a fairy tale. Right.

We literally took many pictures... like funny pictures (Funny for us). We were laughing all the time which was really nice because I was able to relieve some of my stress and forgot some of my worries and heartache. Hahaha! Yes!

I felt so helpless because of my feet so we took a rest for a while. There were many people jogging and walking around and I was an introvert trespassing the world of extroverts. Do you get it? From the moment I sat on the bench, it made me feel like I'm inside my "Hamster Ball". I am not really good in open spaces. I used to be Agoraphobic, that's why.

Yes. My Aunt became my photographer. She's really good in taking pictures and it's nice to know that I'm one of the people who influenced her with regards with photography.

I don't have much time to take some pictures and I terribly miss the "Nature Photo Session". I used to go somewhere every week, but due to my hectic schedule... I can't.

This is my cousin Jerix. He came late because he had a class before this. He's actually our Mascot, "The Comedian". Whenever he's around... everything would be colorful... and ALIVE!

I will go back here with them... again! Just so you know, I took the entrance examination here... and the rest is HISTORY.

Oh how I miss them so much... without them... I feel neutral and most of the time... talking with myself.

Have a great day everyone!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Reading Books
2. Playing and singing some songs... especially Guitar riffing of "Greensleeves". I'm a fan of King Henry VIII
3. Crossing out things to do on my check list.
4. Cleaning my room.
5. That I'm still alive.
6. That my parents are in good health.
7. That my friends are fine.
8. That I am inside my hamster ball. :)
9. That it's not yet raining in Manila because I'm really worried about the Typhoon Ruby. I have lots of things to do next week... please.
10. Listening to Karen O music. Ukulele... let's see. :) I'm excited. PLEASE!!!! Let me have it!!!!!