These past few days I noticed that I seemed to be lacking in self control. I tend to do things that I shouldn't be doing, but no matter how hard I tried to subconciously scold myself , my mind didn't want to listen.
Sigh. I am in the middle of reviewing for a MAJOR EXAMINATION.... but look... instead of focusing on absorbing the information that are waiting to be absorb I am here writing my thoughts.
Suffocated. I am. I don't know how am I going to release the burden, the imaginary blocks that I am carrying on my shoulders... I am scared to what might happen to me in the future... I have lots of worries that are eating me up! reason why I can't focus on what's "NOW".
That is the problem. Instead of being in "NOW" I am trying to jump ahead of time... the "Future"; and because of that I tend to neglect what's happening to me in "NOW". I know the "should be" and the consequences of not doing them but I can't really explain why am I doing these time consuming things.
Have you ever felt like you're in the middle of nowhere? Or maybe you're in a crowded place and you are the stranger among the rest? I feel like I am LOST. I am nowhere to be found. I am nowhere. I am nothing. Not even a single cell.
Self pitying. I should stop this. My friends were scolding me. They said that I should stop being a pessimist once and for all. But how? Should I start from scratch? Should I act as if I don't feel anything? I've been there and I hated that kind of life. All those pretenses that made me more suffocated, that triggered my insomnia. Sleepless nights were hell to me. I was physically and mentally disoriented. I don't want to go back there. Ever again.
Imagine yourself lying on your bed and hearing the conversation that you had with other people containing all the negativity that causes your mind to be overloaded with worries. It is as if you wanted to bang your head on the wall until you pass out.
On the end of the day. The villain in my life.... The Antagonist in my own life story is myself... but at the same time I am the supporting actress and the Protagonist. How Ironic.
Prayer. Yes. He is the only one that can help me in this kind of situation. Ask and I shall received. I can even ask for a rain and I know by heart that he will give me springtime. I know that He is always there to listen to me and even if I can't see Him, I can feel Him everywhere.
I should help my self to stand again.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Blog // Art. (I am a Hobbyist)
Once upon a time I was named as a FRAUD ARTIST. There are people who couldn't and wouldn't recognized my work. They spread rumors that I was actually not the one who made the painting that I passed as my art project way back 2004. To be honest I didn't said the painting was purely made by my hands. I told them that I was guided and helped by my uncle who happenned to be good in Art. But of course... What should I expect? People only believe what they wanted to believe. They can only accept their own opinion and never listen to the others' explanation. T'was sad because no matter how I defended myself... I cannot erase the fact that they doubted my so called "newly found talent". I spent the rest of my high school life trying to proved them that they were wrong on accusing me of this "Dolo" or "Fraud".
I tried so hard to push myself to be inspired so that I could make art works. I am not born with this hand. I just suddenly realized that I can draw when I was on the verge of self pitying because I felt like I have no talent at all.
Then I met people who encourages me to pursue this hobby. They inspired me to move on and to try different art medium. I started with pencils then I moved to crayons, to color pencils, to craypass, to oil pastels, then charcoals in different shades, oil paint, then soft pastel.
Frustration is my key to switch on my artistic ability. I can't understand why people are pulling me down and making me feel like a trash and accusing of being a fraud. Whenever I recieved a complement from strangers, unfortunately people who seemed close to me will give a destructive opinion. They will think hard of a nasty comment to make me feel that these hands are not artistic enough to make them give me an honest and sincere comment.
But, A million thanks to them because their harsh words are my inspirations. My emotions are always depicted in my works and that's the reason why most of them have a dark theme. I am not a happy person because I lived most of life in insults. People feed me with their hatred. You know what's wrong with me? I let myself fall in that deep abyss of insecurity and intimadation.
I never had a drop of self confidence flowing through my veins... that was before. But I've changed...
I never once dreamed to be addicted in this field. I want to be a singer or a dancer or even a musician... but then, they are not for me. Since Art is my first love I am now indulging in the different medium that are available.
Soft pastel.
Let me share to you the work I've done for the first time using soft pastel.
Really! I wanted to have my own scanner but I can't afford it... so I used my camera here instead.
The quality is not that good since I used an ordinary sketch pad acid free paper. I wanted to have a pastel paper but they were out of stocked.
Notice that my work is a bit shabby compare to the photo that I took. I guess the paper and not using a proper shading stump were factors that made my work like this.
Next....
The soft pastel version of "Arashi". I used a cheaper brand of soft pastel. I noticed that the expensive brand blended really well with each other and they were a bit less rough than the cheaper ones. I just hope that someday I will be able to have the rembrandt brand of soft pastel in 36 colors, in gray tones and earth/flesh tones. So I will work hard!
Bloody Valentine Inspired. step by step.
From the cover of Melissa de La Cruz's Novel "Bloody Valentine"
I wanted to post my other works but this entry is already long. So I have to end it here. I am sorry for the too much bitterness that are reflected in this entry.
Things that made me happy:
>Art
>My hands
>Peaceful day
>Rain
I tried so hard to push myself to be inspired so that I could make art works. I am not born with this hand. I just suddenly realized that I can draw when I was on the verge of self pitying because I felt like I have no talent at all.
Then I met people who encourages me to pursue this hobby. They inspired me to move on and to try different art medium. I started with pencils then I moved to crayons, to color pencils, to craypass, to oil pastels, then charcoals in different shades, oil paint, then soft pastel.
Frustration is my key to switch on my artistic ability. I can't understand why people are pulling me down and making me feel like a trash and accusing of being a fraud. Whenever I recieved a complement from strangers, unfortunately people who seemed close to me will give a destructive opinion. They will think hard of a nasty comment to make me feel that these hands are not artistic enough to make them give me an honest and sincere comment.
But, A million thanks to them because their harsh words are my inspirations. My emotions are always depicted in my works and that's the reason why most of them have a dark theme. I am not a happy person because I lived most of life in insults. People feed me with their hatred. You know what's wrong with me? I let myself fall in that deep abyss of insecurity and intimadation.
I never had a drop of self confidence flowing through my veins... that was before. But I've changed...
I never once dreamed to be addicted in this field. I want to be a singer or a dancer or even a musician... but then, they are not for me. Since Art is my first love I am now indulging in the different medium that are available.
Soft pastel.
Let me share to you the work I've done for the first time using soft pastel.
The quality is not that good since I used an ordinary sketch pad acid free paper. I wanted to have a pastel paper but they were out of stocked.
Notice that my work is a bit shabby compare to the photo that I took. I guess the paper and not using a proper shading stump were factors that made my work like this.
Next....
The soft pastel version of "Arashi". I used a cheaper brand of soft pastel. I noticed that the expensive brand blended really well with each other and they were a bit less rough than the cheaper ones. I just hope that someday I will be able to have the rembrandt brand of soft pastel in 36 colors, in gray tones and earth/flesh tones. So I will work hard!
Bloody Valentine Inspired. step by step.
From the cover of Melissa de La Cruz's Novel "Bloody Valentine"
I wanted to post my other works but this entry is already long. So I have to end it here. I am sorry for the too much bitterness that are reflected in this entry.
Things that made me happy:
>Art
>My hands
>Peaceful day
>Rain
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