Blog // Paint with me "Entering Her World"

Hi! Aki here. 

My last post is a bit depressing so I decided to rest and think for a while to be able to clean up my mind with all its negativity... so here I am with my new entry.

Paint with me "Entering Her World" 

 This is the first time that I did a video for this blog. I was hoping to uplaod the full version but it took me 30 minutes to finish this artwork... causing my movie maker to break down. So I made a "chop-chop" version of it.

Tada! Here it is... Enjoy.

For this art work my inspiration was myself. I'm a bit self centered type of a person right now because I've been selfless for the past months. I gave my all to something hoping for a much brighter future but unfortunately I was not able to achieve my number ONE goal this year. It's very depressing and frustrating because whenever I say anything that I will do... I will definitely do it. What happened to me was a strong blow to my self confidence. It was like I was killed then. I died that day... and eventually reborn. I was on the verge of insanity, self pitying... and I was like "what the hell?! Just kill me okay?! I don't have any purpose in this world anymore... what meaning is there for keeping me alive?!"

You might say that I'm a shallow person. I AM NOT. How could someone who hasn't been there possibly understand? you will only have the right to criticize my feelings and emotions if you experienced the same or the exact same thing of what happened to my life. Am I being pessimistic here? Or bitter? I don't think so... because a person who is full of this kind of emotion is the one who can really translate the word sadness and defeat in what he/she can create with his/her hands. Thru pen and papaer or thru artwork... or in whatever medium he/she might use.

If I am going to describe myself... I am like an arid dessert that doesn't have an oasis and the people travelling around me are dying one by one because of thirst.

If this is my destiny? I am going to accept it... but I cannot do the accepting part... right away. Let's say... it's like I wasted 2 years of my life to something UNFINISHED. You know... I terribly hate Unfinished projects. Work half done is worst than work not done. There's so many "should" and "shouldn't" written in my diary... but what can I do? Past is past... let bygones be bygones... But the past cannot expect me to forget everything what it did to me.

Here's what I can only do... Focus on "Now" let the lessons of the "Past" serve as my guide to the "Future".

Entering her world... is all about going back to what you really are. Doing things that you really love to do, showing the emotions buried deeply inside of you and not being afraid of stepping and moving to the path you think might change your world by not changing yourself.

This is what I did before. There are people who can't accept me for who I really am and most of them acted as if they were envious of how I can entirely embrace my flaws. They used to pull me down whenever a great positive constructive remark was given upon me. But you know the more I noticed how they focus their attention on me the more I realized that I can actually affect their life somehow... and I was hoping that someday they will see the positive side of me.

Some of my works are grotesque-like having a dark theme. I love using black and white because the 2 colors show how Ironic my personality is. They are simple, neutral but very dramatic. My entire being can be decipher by looking at my works. I am a very sensitive and emotional when it comes to art and literature. I have a BIG heart for them... because when I thought the world want to barfed me out... They've became my saviour in order for the world to realize that I am an asset... somehow.

I am also thankful to my parents. Yes. Chihiro from "The Lake" by Banana Yoshimoto is correct. PARENTS ARE ABSOLUTE. I can sacrifice my entire being for them. I know, If ever my mom read this entry she might thought how ironic my words and my actions are. I am not showy with my feelings, I tend to write and write them in my diary but God knows how much I treasure them... because they are the only people who accepted me for who I really am.. And even if every single person in the wordl turn their back on me... I know that my parents will embrace me protectively.

Well yeah. This is a long entry... forgive me.... ^^v
HAVE  A NICE DAY.

Blog // I went home defeated

I don't know where to start. I have so much to say but I can't find the right words to express what happened to me.

First of all, one of my dreams that will serve as a door to my other dreams was shattered into million pieces. I cannot just paste or glued those pieces together. It seemed like I've wasted my 2 years of working so hard to achieve my goal. I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I sacrificed lots of thing; my happiness, my hobbies, my body, my health and every tiny little cell of me ,but those were nothing. They are not enough to achieve it. I feel like crying whenever I remember how much I wanted to be where I wanted to be during those days. My heart is aching whenever I repeated the scenes wherein I almost detached my soul from my body in order to achieve that goal. I am disappointed with myself for disappointing my parents. I am mad with myself for giving too much happiness to the antagonist of my life. I am too kind, you know that... because twice this year I have given them the joy to laugh at me and to insult me behind my back.

... but this is too much. My confidence level is hitting negative now. I have nothing left inside of me. I am so ashamed to face other people because of the frustrations caused by what happened to me. I am like a child who is very afraid of what might happen in the not too near future. I don't know how am I going to start. How should I start from the beginning if that beginning is blurry in my vision? How am I suppossed to take a step forward if there's a wall hindering my path? what should I do now?

I just want to stop for a while. Take a deep breath and do what I want to do. To read what I want to read and to draw my emotions on a piece of paper and share it to the whole wide world. Maybe in that way... the burden on my shoulders would subside little bit. I know that 2012 is not my year... but I am not going to give up. I know that someday that goal... I will be able to reach it for sure. All I needed is perseverance and trust on Him. Because no matter what happens... even if every single person will turn their back on me... He will be always there to guide me. I know it.

Aki