My Deformity

I am a deformed human being. I have cracks, holes and apertures caused by the constant hewing of insults and hurtful words. I have received a number of bullets and I let them hit me; although, I have tried to defend myself...yet always in vain. I have used my hands as shield, but always in vain. I have used my hair to cover my ears from the voices of adversaries, but always in vain. I have used every part of my body as a shield... as a defense, but then again... always in vain.

I let myself be blown away wherever the wind would take me for I am tired of resisting; for I am tired of defending myself; for I am tired of being a victim.

Deformity? What is Deformity? I believe that it is the highest form of art. I have been deformed and I am still continuously being deformed. Without these hideous physical and emotional traits, I will be nothing in this world; I will be nothing to them; I will be nothing to... to me. I have sacrificed the few beautiful traits I had to acquire something that will define me, as well as segregate me from the ordinariness of my surroundings.

Believe me, I have accepted my differences from others. The realization on how my uniqueness touches people's life was able to diminish the worthlessness I had used to define myself. Although, being me hurts other parts of myself, my desire to stop pleasing other people so as to be accepted in a society where everybody is a photocopy of everyone else, inspired me to be who I really want to be. 

This opportunity I am presently bestowing upon myself will hopefully pave way to my mastery of turning off my five senses, Neutral. The kind of life I have been so desirous of.

____________________________________________

I am so tired with my everyday life. I know that I should not complain because I have a job... but this is not what I WANT. From my first day, I have felt that I do not belong there. I cannot imagine myself doing the exact same thing over and over and over again. Yes. Yes. Yes. I should be thankful for what I have; however, if you're going to ask me about my goal in this world, my answer would be "To touch someone's life. To inspire. To lift up other people." Why? It is because I know the feeling of being trampled on, to be alone and lonely; the feeling of worthlessness.

When I was teaching, although, the salary was way way way tooooooo low, it made me feel so COMPLETE. Being able to make someone learn something new, make them understand... receiving sincere gratitude; intangible things like these are enough to make me happy. I always went home with my heart full of... hope and love. Nowadays, I am experiencing the EXACT opposite. (Cries silently)

That's why, if I have more money, I am going to invest it in a school or academy because my heart belongs in the ACADEME. It has been calling me ever since I stopped teaching. Nevertheless, I am exerting 100% effort in accomplishing my tasks because I want the salary being given to me by the government to be WORTH IT. In addition, I've had a number of opportunities to learn something new and to be exposed in a different kind of environment... although I am alone (not lonely) most of the time (which I PREFER).

The tiredness I have been experiencing since the first day of December caused me to isolate myself from the society I currently belong. I often have "me time" these days. I want to be alone and I enjoy it. I have started to talk to strangers again such as fellow book hunters, tea enthusiast and sales assistants, as well as shop owners. 

This afternoon, I went out to buy matcha green tea latte. I wrote the collection of words at CBTL, thus, the first photo. And then I walked until I found myself in front of the bookstore. It was not yet open so I sat in front of the store. A lot of people were passing by, but I did not care. I was concentrating with the books on the display shelves. And you know what, it was sooo relaxing!

And this is me at that time. My eyes looked so tired. I actually had a headache and extreme back pain, but I was like "Whatever".

This photo was taken last night. I did not want to leave the place... I wanted to stay a little longer, but I was sooo sleepy and my mother was there so, what choice did I have but to go back to the dorm and sleep.

So, yes. Depression attacked me this week. If you only knew how hard it is for me to re-focus my attention every day.

Sincerely,
Erica

Things that I am grateful for:

1. Checking all the items on my to do list.
2. Playing ukulele; the only instrument I have here in my dorm.
3. Book stare mode.
4. Drinking matcha green tea latte.
5. Roaming the city.
6. Talking to strangers and listening to their stories.
7. My mother.

ERIS IS HERE

I am on the verge disappearing. Again. Again. Again. I want to ask for help, but to whom? I will be just a nuisance, a bother. I feel so empty and I want to remove the the cage inside my body. The cage does not contain anything. It's a heavy burden that I am carrying everyday. I want to sleep for a very long time. I want to... I just want to disappear.

What am I doing here? What is my purpose? I am living a life that is not mine. But what is mine? I don't know.... I have no idea. I am so lost.

Everyday I pretend that I am okay, that everything is fine. People think that I do not have problems and they even consider me as someone who is living like a princess. But they know nothing about me... they know nothing about my deepest thoughts that always fall to death.

I imagine myself floating somewhere. I imagine myself as a leaf being blown away by the harsh December wind. I imagine myself as the autumn leaves being walked on by millions of people... dried, trampled... that will be replaced by the fresh leaves that will bloom in Springtime.

I am tired. I want to go where I want to go... but where do I want to go? I want to be with someone... but with whom? I want to give love and happiness... but I don't even know how to give these to myself? How? Why? I don't know...

What is happening? I am drowning... Eris is here.

Am I Looking For Love? and Random Thoughts.

“Ms. Noemi, where is the library?” I asked my colleague during my second week in my new job. Ms. Noemi was one of the few who welcomed me warmly in the agency where I am currently connected with. 

“We do not have a library here.” She said.

“How about a music room?” I asked. You know what? She laughed so hard and asked me the reason why I was asking those kinds of questions. She said that she found me weird and cute. LOL.

Why did I ask those questions? Because to be honest, I am longing for privacy and I am having a terrible time adjusting in my new life/working environment. Sometimes, I find myself suffocated and intoxicated with almost every thing inside the agency. Maybe because I got used to dealing with foreigners. The differences between cultures are quite shocking to me. (Is it the right term?) I am skeptic towards everything.

Depression Update:

Honestly, I am still depressed. There are still times that extreme sadness comes to me. I still cry and feel so WORTHLESS; that I am not good enough; that I still have a lot of things to do to improve myself.

Self Confidence is a very rare and expensive commodity for me. If I am confident at this moment, I will become extremely anxious in just a snap of your fingers. The way fear enters my mind is quite bewildering. There are times that I still think about death, but I am doing my best to alleviate my attention to something else.

When I was in graduate school, I was confident every time I present a case in front of the class. However, after I graduated, it seems like my skills are slowly diminishing. After I shifted from teaching to public service, I feel like my knowledge is slowly being eating up by the passage of time and I HATE IT. I hate this.

Sometimes, my mind will be full of things which usually cause me to shut down; stare blankly ahead... to... to... stay in a corner and turn off all my five senses. I cannot breathe, my hands will move on their own to write the things being whispered my the many voices inside my head. Often, I am confused because I hear them simultaneously and I don't know whom to listen first. I have tons of notebooks where I write my collections of words about life... love... and death...

I am guilty of constantly proving to everyone that I am the one who did the things I did. My words, arts, compositions... why? Because the being branded "FAKE" is very... painful. Their words created a massive hole in my identity and I don't know how I am going to hide it...

AM I LOOKING FOR LOVE?

I had a deep conversation with my mother last week. We talked about my depression and she told me that maybe LOVE is the remedy.

But NO… I told her. Love and relationship are not something I desire at the moment. I am looking for something… for things that I can use to fill in every gap in my life and every aperture of my identity.

Ever since I turned 18, I have always felt the emptiness deep inside me. It’s like there’s a hole that I must fill in. A missing part.

Is it because I wasn’t able to study Foreign Language? Is it because of the bullying trauma? Is it because of the rejection I received from the first man I’ve ever liked? Or is it because I am overly conscious and a perfectionist that I easily succumb to darkness to avoid painful things?

One thing I’ve learned from what I’ve been thru is that every time I avoid pain… I also avoid chances to learn more things about life… chances to define what true happiness is.

Of course. I want to fall in love. Who doesn’t? I am a woman and as time passes by I am starting to long for companionship. However, if I am going to fall in love, I want to fall in love on my own. I am grateful to my friends who want to set me up to meet someone, but no. I prefer to fall in love… naturally without the intervention of other people. I want it to happen inside a bookshop, a café? Or maybe while listening to indie music… I want to meet someone who will be able to accept and embrace everything about me. Besides, I still have feelings for a specific man, who is now unfortunately… gone.

Others even suggested that I should stop reading and go out more. But you see, reading is a part of me. If I am going to stop, it will be like cutting a part of my body. I CANNOT.

I have a lot of things that I want to do; to achieve; to see; to experience. This is one of the disadvantages of being a “late bloomer”.

Did I make sense? See, my mind is still in disarray.

Grammar wrongings? Please correct me.

Have a good night.

Depression and Their Advice

Almost a month ago I enrolled for a TESOL Program and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made this year. For someone who is experiencing depression for almost a year and a half (or longer). I need a break from all the drama, anxiety and negativity. I need to be away from people who keeps on pulling me down; from people who are giving me unnecessary attention. I actually came to a point wherein I just wanted to slap these people on their face and have a wrestling match with them just to end what I’ve been experiencing.

Of course, I know that my part in this freaking annoying depression is quite huge. My subconscious mind, the voices on my head got noisier this year and I can’t make them stop. Let me also add the heart breaks, the rejections and betrayals… so tell me who will not feel depressed?

I have been feeling like I am so worthless, that I do not have any purpose in this world, that no matter what I do I will always end up in the exact same place… dark corner of an empty room called FAILURE.

Let me go back to my point. During the past five weeks, I was able to meet new people. People who thought that I was a foreigner, who didn’t know how they’re going to talk to me. I remember that I was reading a book about Japanese Women (An Anthropology book) and I actually felt the same way! I was too shy to talk to them and we ended up smiling and nodding to one another. These people are giving me opportunity to relieve my depression.

I can say that I am more confident in conversing with foreigner and this is the reason why I act and talk as if I’m a member of different kinds of community. Working with Japanese, Korean, Chinese and even Vietnamese allowed me to adopt some of their cultures and customs. Talking with my Canadian uncle gave me an opportunity to broaden my knowledge in English as well as practice my speaking skills.

Okay, going back… First week was over, came the second, third, fourth… fifth. Every week, we have a free talking session after lunch. This is time where our mentors will let us choose a card with questions written on it. Truly, all the cards I pulled contain personal questions such as “How do you cope up with stress?” “Tell about the time when you were disappointed.” “Have you ever felt so lonely in your life?” etc… I answered the questions as precise and concise as possible but they got curious about me.

During break time, they will ask me a lot questions. Last Saturday, my British mentor talked to me and he made a good guess about me:

-          I am an only child.

-          That my father is a military man.

He said that he can understand why I am the way am. He can understand my situation. I rarely meet someone who’s genuinely emphatic towards my situation. I am not saying that my friends are not… but it’s a different kind of empathy. He… they allowed me to talk and voiced out the things on my head, the things that bother my heart because I’ve been having a hard time… no this is the most difficult time of my life because I almost ran out of words to express how I really feel.

I am not going to be dramatic although it will sound one. The months of August and September are the most crucial months. I literally broke (I still am) down and I just want to end everything. I wanted to rest for eternity. I just couldn’t/can’t go on because the emotional pain that I’ve been feeling for quite a long time is eating me all up.

I would sometimes cry in front of my mother and she didn’t really know what to do with me anymore. All I feel is pain and I can’t breathe. It’s too difficult. It’s like my head would explode, my heart would crushed and… I feel so empty. I’m just a blank space, an empty shell, a nobody.

I am traumatized with the bullying I had before and even if I tell to myself that I have already forgiven those people… I can still hear their voices, I can still see my younger self enduring the evil things they’ve done to me. And these experiences caused me to be severe to myself. I am a perfectionist to the point of hurting myself if I make a mistake.

Here’s what they told me.

At first they find me so weird or unique. They said that it was their first to meet someone who devour books like a food, who has a strong mind control, sociable introvert… someone who is ironic.

They told me that I must not care about what other people think about me because at the end of the day, the way I think about myself is the only thing that will matter.

I should try to avoid being pessimist. I have a Master’s Degree, I’m an Accountancy Graduate, I’m an English Instructor, I can speak, I can talk and write deeply, I play instruments, I am not disabled and I inspire people around me… these things are what separate me from other people. If they give me their attention, it only means that I am different from them, if they look and stare at me it only means that I don’t look like the others, if they try to pull me down it only means that I am already ahead of them. If people are avoiding me, I don’t have to feel so bad about it because in building connections and relationships that will last for a lifetime it must be Quality over Quantity.

And it’s really overwhelming because even if it has only been a month since I’ve met them, they are embracing my flaws as if they’ve known me for a long time. They told me that if ever I need someone who will encourage me or at least to lift me up, they are willing to talk to me about self-confidence. And I am very thankful.

I always feel so lonely and I am too shy to ask for someone to accompany me because of my toxic behavior right now. I’ve been talking about death all the time which caused my friends to avoid me. I can’t blame them and I am sorry.

I am afraid… but if I am going to continue like this I might really disappear. But just like what my uncle told me “You’re a clever girl and you are actually strong. Just focus on what you have to do.”

Aside from the fact that I am learning new things, meeting new people… I am also gaining the power to exercise positivity… slowly (well, at least!).

After this TESOL Program, I’m going to continue to study because I am happy whenever I study. And even if there some who ask me why I always study or if I ever feel like I am wasting money in school… I should just try to enlighten them that Education is a continuous process (but I think it will be better to avoid them.)

So there… the question “How are you?” is just too difficult to answer and if ever I acted aloof in replying to you guys… please be kind to me.

Erica.

Any mistakes in grammar? PM me. Thank you.

Birthday Blog Part 1

Happy Birthday to all those people who are celebrating their birthday today (September 6, 2015). I have been writing a birthday blog since... I started this blog.

To be honest, I had a different plan for today. However, due to my unpredictable schedule, I couldn't put it into action. That's why I decided to have a simple celebration in our house.

I hope I'll have an opportunity to do what I planned before this month ends because I've been desirous to do it since the year started. 

Instead of making a wish list for this year, I wrote a Birthday Resolution. I decided to lessen my usage of "I will not" and increase my usage of "I WILL". Obviously, the latter is in positive form and I want to exercise positive things in my life! I am so tired of the darkness.

I WILL BE LESS SEVERE TO MYSELF

My intimate friends know how severe and strict I am to myself. Mind control is something that I do everyday... almost the same as breathing, it's easy for me to resist some worldly things yet it's too difficult to resist things directly related to my emotions. I'm the definition of IRONY. I possess things and traits that are opposite of each other. Reason why only few people can understand me. Okay. Enough!

I WILL GIVE MORE TO MYSELF

Yes, it's true. I've been self-less. I always give and give until I became an empty shell. It's tiring, frustrating... and doing this often deprived me "love" which is truly for myself. I might sound egocentric, believe me I am not.

I WILL BE MORE KIND AND COURAGEOUS

Kindness is an inherent trait, but courage is a trait that you have to develop in order to survive in this competitive world. I know that I lack courage. I am still afraid to step outside my comfort zone. However, I've learned that things which are uncomfortable to do, difficult and seem impossible to achieve are actually the things that will make a person strong. I realized that it's okay to commit mistakes and you don't have to be embarrassed because everyone have been there. Learn from those who are experienced in the trade you are venturing, listen to them and imagine.

So yes, I have a long list and most of them are personal.

I will eat more fruits.

I will drink wine. (For my heart)

(With Mama Nhelz!)

(At the cemetery)

How about you? Have you ever written a birthday resolution?

Have a nice day! but in my case... Good night!

Things that made me happy:

1. Greetings from the people who are important to me! Thank you.
2. Eating with my friends, cousins and relatives.
3. New books! (I bought for myself!)
4. Visiting my Grandpapa and my baby brother at the cemetery.
5. Taking funny pictures and videos. (For keepsake)
6. Talking to my friends.
7. My very supportive and self-less mother. I love mama bear!

Three Simple Ways To Spread The Love

I like tea. I LOVE TEA. I just can't stop drinking tea. I am currently drinking Matcha Green Tea at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.

The ambiance here, inside, the smell of my tea, the calm conversation of people around me put me into the mood to write something. I'm suppose to read a book, but hey! I miss writing.

So here's my list on Simple Ways To Spread Love. Sometimes, you don't have to spend a single cent to make a difference.

1. Greet a stranger

A simple gesture and greetings such as "Hello!" "Hi!" can lift up the spirit of anyone. You can make a difference to the life of a stranger who is fighting the battle of his life. So spread some love and bring joy. We are all fighting our own battle, but it doesn't hurt to lend a helping hand once in a while. Agree? So go and say "Hi!", wave back, greet those security guards who have just greeted you, say "Welcome" to those people who thanked you and say "Thank you" to those who helped you. Isn't it simple?

I always do this. ALWAYS. I am not bragging about my good deeds. My only aim is to inspire. So, whenever I feel blue, down and kind of sad, instead of spreading this negativity, I try to do things which is opposite of the way I feel.

2. Help elderly people

Do you see the grandma over there, the one who is carrying a heavy bag of groceries. How about the grandpa who is trying his best to cross the street? Or maybe the one who is having some difficulty to go up/down the stairs? The one who can't see the menu?

You know, it's not very hard to lend a helping hand to these elderly people; senior citizens whose five senses are already deteriorating. Now, imagine your own grandma, grandpa, mother, father or relatives out there... isn't it nice if a stranger will help them? Isn't nice to know that there are still people who actually care? That chivalry is not yet dead?

One time, when I was having a terrible day, I saw a group of elderly people waiting for a cab. I was the first in line and they were beside me. I was hungry and I wanted to go to my mother's office as soon as possible to visit her and eat my lunch. When I saw these senior citizens, I was like "Okay, I'll let them ride the cab first." Why? Because it's very obvious that they were all so tired and hungry too. And yes, I let them ride first. I am younger and I could still endure my situation. After that, they thanked a million times and one grandma was even teary eyed. They said "God Bless you Child!". Maybe some will call me a hypocrite, but you know... I've felt really blessed when I helped them.

3. If you're a woman/girl, be nice to one

Aren't you tired of cat fighting? Aren't you sick and tired of finding fault and flaws on her? Do you want to be yourself ? Do you want to stop comparing yourself with others? Hey! You are what you are. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Look in the mirror and tell that to yourself, every day. It should be your mantra. Please... I am begging you, do not let yourself be defined by others definition.

I know that "Just be yourself!" is already overly used, but it's true. You are fine. Smile. You should start embracing your flaws and do not forget who and what you are. You should know your own value. If you feel beautiful in the inside, it will definitely reflect on the outside.

Now, do you see that woman who is having a difficult time wearing high heels? Do you see her blisters? If you ever have an extra band-aid, why not give it to her? Share. I think you already know how difficult it is to wear those kind of shoes. How about the one who is sweating so hard? Give her a tissue. It's not that difficult to share... SHARE. Because I know you that know how hard it is being a woman.

Now, it's time for you to share you own simple ways to spread the love.

Have a good day!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Tea day!
2. Reading books.
3. That I am still alive.
4. That my parents are in good health.
5. That my friends and relatives are fine.
6. Playing guitar.
7. Self studying keyboard.
8. Listening to classical music.
9. Reading articles about Corporate world.

Homebody's Weekends

To all the Homebodies out there, maybe some of you can relate to how I usually spend my weekends. I can't even remember how many times I've rejected and cancelled some plans to go out. I do like going out, believe me or not, but I want my weekends to be all about myself. Spending my whole weekdays outside makes me tired everyday Friday. Who doesn't? But yes, I know that most of you, especially the outgoing types are always on the go. That's just not me.

1. Cleaning Time/Day

I am not a messy person, but I am astounded every time I go home and find my room in disarray. My Study/work table with all my books on the top. Clutter of papers on my bed. Tea cups and glasses on my chairs.

If you're one of the people who enjoy cleaning and organizing the mess you made, then maybe you find it satisfying to see the process of turning back your mess into an organize piles of your things.

As for me, Saturdays or Sundays can only mean one thing. Cleaning time.

1. Changing my pillow cases (Once a week)
2. Changing my bed sheet (Twice a month)
3. Changing my curtains (Once to twice a month)\
4. Scrubbing the floor (Once a month)
5. Dusting off my bookshelves (Every other day)
6. ETC.

How nice it is to feel and smell the new pillow case and bed sheet at night, to see your books void of dust (just a little) and to see that your room is organized.

2. Exercise

Weekends can also mean shaking off all the toxins in your body by sweating off. I find it relaxing and refreshing every time I finish my exercise or fitness routine because I feel clean. Imagine your sweat pushing off the dead skins from your pores. You feel great, you feel healthy and strong and it's a great brain exercise too. So shake it off and dance with your favorite music in the background.

Here's a great warm up from Tiffany Rothe Youtube account. I've been following all her routines for almost two years now. I love how she motivates her viewers. I just like her so much! Want to be fit by just ten minutes? Visit her account and try her routines.

3. Meditate

Aside from my exercise routine, I also meditate. I'm not very particular with time, but I see to it that I relax my senses so that I can be ready for the coming week. Yoga is a great help, the breathing exercise. Stretching your body is good for your health and mind. It practices your sense of focus and helps you concentrate. You don't have to be in nature to do this. Inside your room, open your window, the air enters, spread your yoga mat, then close your eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out.

4. Cook/Eat Real Foods

I know that most of you are eating at fast food chains every weekday. It's convenient, fast and cheap...  because you guys are busy with your job and studies. However, do not let this time constraints let you be addicted to all that is instant; instant food. These foods contain preservatives that can harm your body by too much intake. C'mon! Even if the label says it's "Sugar free" or "Lite" they still contain sugar, sodium and MSG (Monosodium Glutamate). Some of you might already be aware of how some food manufacturers use Aspartame as a replacement for sugar. If you ever stumble upon Dr. Mercola's website, he had listed all the negative effects of Aspartame and it's scary how it can trigger diabetes instead of preventing it.

Foods that I can't live without:

1. Papaya (1-2 cups a day)
2. Firm Tofu (Fried in olive oild with vinegar dip)
3. Pumpkin soup
4. Boiled sweet potato / Sweet potato fries (No salt or sugar)
5. Green Tea (2-3 cups a day)
6. Boiled green vegetables
7. Oatmeal (no sugar)

I am very proud to tell you that I've been SODA FREE for 7 years now. Indeed, eating REAL foods can make a person feel clean inside and out.

5. Me Time

It's time to pamper yourself by not spending too much money.

1. Dry hair? Use olive oil. (Click for procedure: Natural Hot Oil)
2. Tired feet from wearing high heels shoes or stiletto, rough feet. Soak it into a basin with lukewarm water, scrub it with baking soda, pat them dry ,then slather with olive oil or Rosehip oil.
3. Cut and polish your nails while listening to some music or watching your favorite movie.
4. ETC... whatever you want to do that you can do by yourself for yourself.

Because sometimes, it feels nice to do things for yourself without spending money at all.

6. Read a Book

Okay. Oh, you're not a bookworm. You always fall asleep whenever you read. However, you have to remind yourself that knowledge is power and knowledge is beauty. You don't have to read books you're not interested with. Read something you want, gain knowledge and use them in real life. Aside from that, it can help to be more open-minded.

Those are some things I usually do in the weekends. How about you?

Personal Message:

It's been a long time since my last post. I've been trying to pursue my dreams one by one. Right now, I wish that my prayers will be answered before this month ends. If not? I will try again. No giving up. I'm going to be more determined in chasing dreams. So yeah. Have a good day!

Sincerely,
Erica/Erix

Things that made me happy:

1. Cleaning my room.
2. Eating the pumpkin soup made by my mother.
3. Playing instruments.
4. Reading books.
5. That I am still alive.
6. That my parents are in good health, as well as my friends.
7. That my emotion is surprisingly stable.