What's Up: I Was Mad

(Photo by: Erica/Erix)

(From Deviantart Account)

I am not PERFECT. Although I usually don't fight because I HATE fighting back... this time.... I WILL FIGHT. For I know that I am right. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE. We are BREAK EVEN. I only gave him the same courtesy he had given me. He didn't respect me as a person... so I didn't respect him. I endured his personality for the last months and he pushed me to my limits. I am usually very patient but yesterday I met my limit. I literally shouted... BUT I didn't regret anything.

My colleague said I looked like an ANGRY CAT when she saw me walking around Ortigas Center that afternoon. She didn't bother to ask me. She calmed me down somehow by softly patting my back and shoulder. I appreciate it. (Thanks Cris)

I was very lucky to saw her yesterday because if not, maybe a car already hit me. I haven't eaten anything since morning except for a very light breakfast... no Lunch and it was almost around 3:00 pm. Before that, I needed to go somewhere while carrying my 3 heavy bags. I had to wait for a Taxi just to arrive at my work place... but my efforts went in vain.

But.. I am not Mad anymore. I had a very good night sleep last night. I watched some funny video clips in Youtube. I feel good and happy now. My happiness is very shallow and I can easily eliminate anger. I don't want to waste my time. I have things to do. Planning for my pleasure trip and school stuffs...

Things that made me happy:
- My Mother.
- My REAL TRUE friends
- Listening to MUSIC
- Mocha (our dog)
- Playing guitar
- Chatting with College girl friends

PS: Does this entry make any sense?

Collection Of Words 13: Alone in Krispy Kreme

Alone In Krispy Kreme

By: Erica/Erix

Date: December 17, 2013

At Krispy Kreme they serve every customer

With a smile on their faces even if the customer's a stupid woman.

I'm just a customer

I'm just a native

I'm just a dreamer

I'm just a stupid woman

At a haven, he's being entertained

With brightly face girls; lights are dim

Even if, these girls are cheaters

... so it seems.

He's just a working man

He might know true love

He relies with his beer in can

And I am just a stupid woman.

In my room, I emailed him...

Only him... seriously...

Even though my messages are meaningless

And full of childishness.

I'm just a pathetic being

But I'm not confuse

I'm just emotional

And I am just a stupid woman

Under the night sky, some succeed with 

Their first love while others

Don't notice that "Love is everywhere"

In this ridiculous place called "Earth"

I just said "I miss you"

I just said "I'm here for you"

I just followed my heart

And I am just a stupid woman.

--------------------

Dear Sir,

This is my version of the poem you gave meas your present.
Let me apologize for not saying Goodbye on your last day.
Something happened. Regardless, I wish for your happiness.
Take care!

Sincerely,

T. Erica

Blog // Life is a Carnival; An Inspirational Video // Video Script

(Photo by: Ina Palisoc)

As I have mentioned before... once in a while, I PLAY AROUND. This picture was taken the week when we shot an inspirational video for a competition. Ms. Ina and I were so overwhelmed by the POSITIVE feed backs coming from people of different nationality... unfortunately, there were also people who gave us insulting and "below the belt" (means: terribly insulting) comments and the worst thing that happened was our video was blocked in youtube.

When we joined the competition, we already knew that there would be people who would "hate" us... Honestly speaking... our video is very artistic and I LIKE IT A LOT. I'm just being honest here. If the people can't accept it as an entry to that competition... it's OKAY because we can still use it for other purposes and one of them is for this blog

I wrote the script the day before the video shoot. While I was writing at that time, I was really emotional... reason why I could easily write what's in my mind.

Video Script:

Who am I? What am I? Is every thing's just a dream? Or maybe, my complex imagination created it...

What is Life? What is Beauty? What is Happiness? What is Love? These are the questions that I usually ask to myself and to other people. For the past 23 years of my life... I think, I'm starting to have an idea about the answers to my questions. And the answers? They are something that can't be put into words but can only be seen by the eyes, can only be heard by the ears, can only be felt by our heart and most of all, the answers are buried deep inside my soul.

I'm an ordinary blogger and yet... I'm not an ordinary person... for I believe that nobody is ordinary. We are all created in different ways, we have our own identity, we have our own personality, we don't look the same physically and these facts are what make us different from one another.

The life of an ordinary blogger. This is something personal that I want to share to everybody... because everyone would be able to relate.

The past:

I was always alone... an overly and unreasonably shy person. I was not very likable and back then, everyone hated me.

My experiences in life; the good things and the bad things served as my inspiration to write, to draw, to paint, to experiment and to show that I can be me whenever I wanted to be.

It all started when I became a victim of constant discrimination. When people pushed me on the edge, pulled me down and hurt me emotionally and physically... I couldn't do anything. I didn't know how to fight... for I don't fight! because I don't believe in violence and saying bad things to other people... and yet, half of me wanted to fight to show that I don't deserve those kind of maltreatment... I was weak, very weak.

While every girl of my age is busy talking about boys, relationship, fashion... I was busy and happy reading books. A girl with nobody to talk to, no friends, alone... reading "Romeo and Juliet", writing poems and essays, daydreaming, humming... that was my life and still my life.

The writings I wrote during those times are can be read on my present blog and people who read them tells me that I am strong even if I am weak.

When people tried to tarnish my reputation... to dishonor me... I WRITE. When people back stabbed me... I WRITE. Whenever I feel depressed... I WRITE. Whenever I feel that life gets harder and harder... I WRITE. Bad things, Painful things, Failures, Frustrations, Depressions and Sadness are my bullets for my self-defense call "Writing".

I write because I want other people to be inspired. I write for free and I don;t expect praises or compliments... what I really want is... what my purpose is to let them know that no matter how hard life can be, we are the only one who can judge ourselves. We are the writer of our own life story. the comment of other people don't really matter... what matters is you... only you.

Today is Sunday. I had an another hectic week. Nevertheless, I had a great time with all the people surrounded me and the new people I met and new friends. I'm still overwhelmed with all the things I received. Material gifts, letters, poems, friendship and love. These things made me feel like indeed "Life is a carnival".

Have a great day everyone!

Things that made me happy:
- Eating out with colleagues
- Gifts, letters and poems
- Him
- Positive feed backs from other people
- People who respected and appreciated me
- My parents

She is... I'm not // One sided love (A song; first draft)

(Photo by: Ina Palisoc)

"She is... I'm not"

by: Erica/Erix

Inspiration: An Interview with the girl in the mirror

Date: December 6, 2013

She is the girl who has his attention... I'm not.

She is the girl who can touch his arms... I'm not.

She is the girl who holds his hand... I'm not.

She is the girl who sees him every second... I'm not.

She is the girl who is nearer... I'm not.

She is the girl who is a beauty... I'm not.

She is the girl who possesses intelligence... I'm not.

She is the girl who can make him laugh... I'm not.

She is the girl who is with him... I'm not.

She is the girl who can have and might have his heart... I'm not.

She is the girl who is everything... I'm not.

(Photo by: Erica/Erix)

"One sided love"

by: Erica/Erix

First Draft

Chords used: Am-Em-D-Em

This one sided love

is tearing me apart

and I can't get up

tonight

This one sided love

is hard to explain

but my heart can't deny

that I fall for you, not a shame

This one sided love

is breaking my heart

because I know that you

can never love me back

This one sided love

is making me insane

my life will not be the same....

________________________________________________

I had a very tiring week. I wrote a script for a video shoot, edited it, practiced my voice over part on the video, shoot the video for almost 10 hours, studied, worked... what more could I ask for?

I never thought that creating and recording a 5-7 minutes video would be a very long process. We (Ina and I) squeezed our brains for idea. I'm so thankful because there were a lot of people who helped me especially my one man army Ms. Ina and my friends who gave me self confidence... not for them... I would not really join this competition... 

Honestly speaking, I don't care much about the prize. Whoever wins, I will support them. I joined because of the people who believes in my capabilities and talent... they'd told me that this competition would be great chance and experience for me to expose myself and to increase my self-esteem.

I am an EXTREMELY shy person... and being on the video... on my OWN video... I never really imagined it. As for the voice over part, I needed to do it many times because I couldn't stop myself from crying. The script that I wrote is all about my personal experiences and sharing it on public brought back my memories when I was discriminated over and over again... 

Anyway, I hope the edited video will be presentable... Maybe next week... I will share it in here. Have a Happy Sunday everyone!

Things that made me happy:

- My one arm army... Ms. Ina

- Playing guitar and singing "Keep holding on" and "My guardian angel"

- My friends including Him

- That I am still alive

What's Up: Life Must Go On

I've been experiencing a lot of painful things since September. Nevertheless, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason now but time will show me.

I had two surgeries. It was frustrating and I silently cried every night. People may say that they're not serious and it will heal...but I was the one who experienced the surgeries not them. They don't know how difficult it is (I'm using"is") for me to move, to take a bath, to eat, to travel everyday to work and school. They don't know the pain... physically and emotionally.

 (After the doctor changed my bandage on my neck)

(After I removed the bandage... I had a black eye)

Despite of what I'd been through I never neglected my duties. It was VERY difficult because my body is not strong.

Anyway, I tried my best to forget the pain. I could say that my work helped me to be happy and of course the messages I received from my friends who were very worried about my condition. I really appreciate their concern.

ROAD TO SOMEWHERE:

NYX 

I bought some cosmetics to hide the scar on my neck. My scar looks very ugly because it's still new. Everytime I look at it I feel depressed. After it heals I will definitely conceal it. Anyway, I met the friendliest sales assistant! Her name is Anna. She helped me in choosing the correct shade for my skin tone. Other SA's from other cosmetic shops are not so accommodating.
 
Ateneo De Manila University, Gateway Mall, Farmer's Wet Market

I went out with my vietnamese student (Vicky). We had a speaking and pronunciation class outside the Academy. She requested for it. I accompanied her to one of the prestigious universities in the Philippines which is Ateneo De Manila University (ADMU). I showed her the entire campus and we toured just outside. She was surprised to see how big the University is. After that, we went straight to Gateway and Farmer's where we did "Fruits Shopping". She loves Cherries as I love Strawberries. We had a great time together even if the cultural and language barrier were visible between us. Unfortunately, at the end of our tour she lost her camera. It was sad because almost all of the pictures from her travels was there...

SANRIO SHOP

My guitar tutor and I supposed to have a mini celebration because of my improvement in guitar lessons but I needed to go home right away. We decided to check some Hello Kity stuffs because my tutor loves this character. Of course the store is full of pink merchandise.


WHat's up?
I'm contnuing my guitar lessons. I think I improved because I can finally play the guitar and sing at the same time. The chords transition is getting better and more precise. I'm so happy! I even took a video and recorded myself but I will not upload it. On January, maybe I will make a decent version. :)

Aside from that, I received my almost perfect grades in MBA. They told me that it was supposed to be perfect but I had absences reason why they needed to gave me a grade lower than the highest grade. So sad. 

This second semester will be another hectic sem. My subjects are heavy!

1. Entrepreneurial Management
2. Financial Accounting
3. Financial Management

Wish me luck!

Things that made me happy
-Playing guitar
-Singing
-Listening to Music
-Strawberries! <3
-Messages from my friends

What's Up: Rest-less Week // Thank You Thursday

(Photo by: Erica/Erix)

I am not okay. I am not fine. I am sad. I am bothered. I am... I am... I am so LOST. I don't know where to go.

Okay ENOUGH! Today, I'm very grateful to Thursday for having pity on my condition. Thursday gave me a fine day. I was still in the state of devastation when I woke up this morning but I tried so hard to be okay because my schedule was full! I needed to accomplish a lot of things on my check list and Thank God! My exhaustion was justified.

I had an appointment at the Barangay Hall, City Hall and Bank. I was so tired from going back and forth from here to there to everywhere! Walking, Running, Riding to different means of transportation and the worst thing is... I got tanned! BIG TIME!

Randomness:

Last wednesday I discussed Subjunctive (English Grammar) to my VIP Student and when I asked him to give me a sample sentence this is what he said.

"I suggest you to spend more time in looking for a boyfriend." He said. "Okay... can you give me another one?" I asked, frowning to him. "But.. my suggestion is realistic. You're always reading, studying and writing. At what age do you want to get married?" The next thing I knew... he was already giving me Love/Marriage advice. 

My other student brought his Christian Bible in my class. He was the first student to asked me to discuss my favorite passages in the Bible. I was very surprised. At the end of our lesson, he told me that "You and Teacher Dino are gifts to me from God." and then he shook my hand. His comment made me happy.

Somehow, I think I am starting to realize my purpose in life. Supporting other people and making sure to listen to them. Not just their written and spoken words but I must also listen to the words in their heart or the unspoken words that cannot be express.

Like this... an email from my former VIP student.

I apologized to this student because during his time I always feel very sleepy because this was last September. The HECTIC month. He told me in one of his emails that he will try his best to express his love towards his wife... more oftenly because he learned this from me and from our culture. It's a good thing! High five to you Mr. Jeff! (FYI: I asked his permission to post this email. ;)

Another is this.

Everytime I receive comment like "You're so cute!", "You're beautiful!", "You're very pretty.", "It's very easy for you to find a boyfriend."... I couldn't help but to be skeptic. I am not accustomed with these comments because I am more used to getting these "So you think you'll be pretty if you wear that?", "That's very unfashionable!", "Eating that will not make you beautiful.", "No matter what you do, you're still ugly." Insulting? Terrible? But I received them... really.

I am happy that other people consider me as an INSPIRATION. For them I have a value. I can be a friend anytime and lend my helping hand and my shoulders to someone who is in need.

On the other hand, my close friends are giving me advice not to give TOO MUCH and that I should save something for myself. Being too Self-less has its own disadvantage. What can I do? I like helping because it makes me happy and it gives a certain warm in my heart.

Changing the subject. I went to a bakeshop to buy some goods when the sales staff offered me their Cheese Tarts... what a mouth watering pastry?! High in Calories! Sugar content? Very high! But it was DELCIOUS!

Look what I found! AIRHEADS! I've been looking for this candy. The last time I ate this was when I was still an elementary student; 11 years old at that time. Happy! 

My Monday was HAPPY. Tuesday was full of sadness. Wednesday was bluer than blue (that was a song... okay.), Thursday was busy... Friday, what will you give me? 

I'm so TIRED! Did this entry make any sense? Anyway, Good night. I'm going to jump on my bed now. I hope everybody is not SAD like me. I'm wishing you all the happiness! And I want to greet my Three Musketeers. Hello to the three of you (Chocolate, Coke and Beer)... :) How's the exam? I hope you all did your very best.

Things that made me happy:

: The Beatles' "If I fell"

: Accomplishing all my task!

: Papaya

: Cheese Tarts

: Practicing guitar chords transition

: That I am still alive... at least

PS: This is my first Throwback Thursday post in my blog. My mini version (1993). I was 3 years old. What do I look like? haha!

I am still SAD.

Collection Of Words 4: Someone Turned Off The Light

 (Photo by: Frances Marie)

"Someone Turned Off The Light"

By: Erica/Erix

Date Written: October 2013

Inspiration: Girl in the Mirror

Someone turned off the light. I fell down into the labyrinth of one sidedness. I watched the process of falling down and it was full of sweet yet bitter scenes.

I accumulated tears in my eyes... tears that can't be shed in this lifetime for I don't even have the right to own these tears. I feel like a rogue thief who possess something that I shouldn't have.

But... somebody stole something from me too. I don't know when, I don't know where, I don't why, I don't how but I know "WHO".

The incompleteness that I feel every time I wake up in the morning, every time I go to sleep, every time I'm alone managed to etch itself deep inside me. Nothing and Nobody can erase it except for "WHO".

If  I could only convey everything. If I could only decipher the unspoken words and letters... If I only have the courage to let it all out. Courage? But, isn't it courageous enough for me to initiate almost everything?  Isn't it courageous enough for me to utter words that I don't usually say? Isn't it courageous enough for me to decide what I wanted? Isn't it courageous enough for me to risk every pride I have into something that clearly don't have the interest to open its door for me no matter how many times I knock? Isn't it courageous enough for me to make myself look like a pathetic woman amidst of this so called sweet yet bitter one sidedness?

No matter how much I control myself not to be like this... nature turned its own course to put me in this position. Time naturally helped the nature.

No matter how much I give, no matter how much effort I exert, no matter how many spoken and written words I convey... they don't matter at all. I don't matter.

Atoms and molecules can be seen using a scientific instrument but I may be comprised of something that's even more invisible in the naked eyes. Something that's invaluable, worthless, null.

The dreadful reality, the aching emptiness of my world.. I want to embrace myself and hush everything. But I am afraid of the deafening silence because in silence I remember vividly the yesterdays that I already memorized. I can smell the scent of sweet yet bitter smell of "Cigaro".

I sometimes hate myself for having a good memory because I can remember every tiny detail that's making me realize how heavy it is, how painful it is, how sad it is to be in this sweet yet bitter one sidedness.

How ironic! To be caught by something dreadfully precious... when I'd already decided and sworn that I would not be affected with the exquisite emotion that I once considered frivolous. How ironic! To be caught by something I considered invisible and not true.

Irony. Emptiness. Possible/Probable Rejection.

Possible rejection; if this is the process... please, just turn me into a bubble that will disappear in one blink of an eye. A bubble that will belong into nothingness once it is touch.

Possible Rejection. An abstract intangible thing that run in my head. I sometimes wonder, does it ever feel tired? Because I am tired of watching it eat every single source of my hope....

If you ever felt this way once in your life, you will understand me..

________________________________

I wrote this before my eye operation. I was very emotional at that time. I couldn't talk to anybody because everytime I tell them my feelings people will start talking. All I wanted was a "LISTENER". Someone who will listen and not talk. I gave up looking for that someone and decided to write... write... and write...

Have a good day!

With all my LOVE,

Erica/Erix