I thought I was "already" fine... But.

"You're beautiful." 
"You're so pretty."
"You're sexy."

Do you think every time people tell me these I feel happy? NO. The answer is a big NO. I feel bad to be honest. I feel bad for them because they see someone who doesn't exist in reality. What they perceive is just the "Fake", "Pretender", "Liar" version of me. I feel sorry for them and I want to apologize because they were all mistaken. I am sorry.

Today, I realized how ugly I am. Something happened that enlightened me. I can't explain them all in details but it made me feel so bad for myself and for everyone.

I am not what you think I am. I am not what you usually see. I am a monster... physically and emotionally. Sometimes, I have thoughts which make me want to cut off myself into pieces, to discard some parts of my body that is very uncomfortable for me to show and to carry.

I wish I have what it takes to be comfortable. I just want to feel comfortable. Whenever I see girls and women who look carefree, I feel so envious. I wish I am like them... carefree and... FREE. However, I am always hunted by the hands that will pull me to the reality that I am not like them... that this is me. Once in a blue moon, they'll let me pretend to be someone I am not. But it hurts a lot when it's already time to go back to normal. I always pray that God will lengthen my time of  "Pretension", but everything eventually has to end. Everything has an expiration dates. And the things I have had already expired.

I am always covered by mask. I am always myself... but I am at the same time covered by different mask. I show them my true self, but what they see is a different person. I feel sorry for them... for myself. I feel terribly bad.

Last month was the happiest month I've ever had and I thought I was getting better... that I am on the road of moving forward. But the darkness outrun me again. My vision is getting blurry... and I can't breathe.

I can't... I am drowning.

Someone woke me up from my sweet dreams... every happy things that had happened were all part of my dreams. And now that I finally woken up... I have to start all over again. I think if this will continue, if this cycle will continue I'll end up tired and will disappear from the sight of everyone else. Hibernate... or rest...

I am praying so hard for guidance because I really don't know how am I going to start from scratch again. I am so tired and beaten. I AM TIRED. I've been enduring this and if I'll push myself to my limits again, I think I'll explode one of these days. So help me God. Help me please.

PS:
It's not about my job.
I bet a lot people will be so happy when they read this. The ERICA is in her dark side again.