Collection Of Words 4: Someone Turned Off The Light

 (Photo by: Frances Marie)

"Someone Turned Off The Light"

By: Erica/Erix

Date Written: October 2013

Inspiration: Girl in the Mirror

Someone turned off the light. I fell down into the labyrinth of one sidedness. I watched the process of falling down and it was full of sweet yet bitter scenes.

I accumulated tears in my eyes... tears that can't be shed in this lifetime for I don't even have the right to own these tears. I feel like a rogue thief who possess something that I shouldn't have.

But... somebody stole something from me too. I don't know when, I don't know where, I don't why, I don't how but I know "WHO".

The incompleteness that I feel every time I wake up in the morning, every time I go to sleep, every time I'm alone managed to etch itself deep inside me. Nothing and Nobody can erase it except for "WHO".

If  I could only convey everything. If I could only decipher the unspoken words and letters... If I only have the courage to let it all out. Courage? But, isn't it courageous enough for me to initiate almost everything?  Isn't it courageous enough for me to utter words that I don't usually say? Isn't it courageous enough for me to decide what I wanted? Isn't it courageous enough for me to risk every pride I have into something that clearly don't have the interest to open its door for me no matter how many times I knock? Isn't it courageous enough for me to make myself look like a pathetic woman amidst of this so called sweet yet bitter one sidedness?

No matter how much I control myself not to be like this... nature turned its own course to put me in this position. Time naturally helped the nature.

No matter how much I give, no matter how much effort I exert, no matter how many spoken and written words I convey... they don't matter at all. I don't matter.

Atoms and molecules can be seen using a scientific instrument but I may be comprised of something that's even more invisible in the naked eyes. Something that's invaluable, worthless, null.

The dreadful reality, the aching emptiness of my world.. I want to embrace myself and hush everything. But I am afraid of the deafening silence because in silence I remember vividly the yesterdays that I already memorized. I can smell the scent of sweet yet bitter smell of "Cigaro".

I sometimes hate myself for having a good memory because I can remember every tiny detail that's making me realize how heavy it is, how painful it is, how sad it is to be in this sweet yet bitter one sidedness.

How ironic! To be caught by something dreadfully precious... when I'd already decided and sworn that I would not be affected with the exquisite emotion that I once considered frivolous. How ironic! To be caught by something I considered invisible and not true.

Irony. Emptiness. Possible/Probable Rejection.

Possible rejection; if this is the process... please, just turn me into a bubble that will disappear in one blink of an eye. A bubble that will belong into nothingness once it is touch.

Possible Rejection. An abstract intangible thing that run in my head. I sometimes wonder, does it ever feel tired? Because I am tired of watching it eat every single source of my hope....

If you ever felt this way once in your life, you will understand me..

________________________________

I wrote this before my eye operation. I was very emotional at that time. I couldn't talk to anybody because everytime I tell them my feelings people will start talking. All I wanted was a "LISTENER". Someone who will listen and not talk. I gave up looking for that someone and decided to write... write... and write...

Have a good day!

With all my LOVE,

Erica/Erix

What's Up: Reducing Stress and Discoveries (Books, Movies and Music)

Can I scream? Well... can I scream virtually? because I am very "TTTTIIIIIIRRRRREEEDDDD!!!!!!!" Life is so UNFAIR but I guess that's the exact definition of LIFE; UNFAIR yet BEAUTIFUL.

I kept asking myself... and my mother asked me too... "I thought it's my/your semestral break? Why are/am you/I killing yourself/myself in doing your/my Case Study?" We asked the same question. What choice do I have? I MUST follow the orders of my professors because I'm a STUDENT. Frankly, I was so tired, it's like I squeezed the hell out of my brain just to have something to write on the blank sheet of papers. I ended up finishing all of them this week. Thank God! but the result is... STRESS.

I learned my lesson. I can never AVOID stress. However, I can REDUCE it by doing something... like Procrastinating moderately. Take note... MODERATELY.

So what did I do?

BOOKS

I read books whenever I feel like "Oh.. I'm thinking too much". I finished 4 books this week. It's not a waste of time. Well, for me it was not because through reading my English Vocabulary is expanding and this is useful for my job as well as for self development.

1. The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
"I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands...."

For me, it's like a modern version of "Catcher in the Rye". This book is for teenagers and those people who are young at heart... like me. OMG! I'm talking like an old person here... I'm not that old! Going on, I can relate with the protagonist. I know the feeling of being a Wallflower. That was me a few years ago. I had a lot of laugh, serious, sad and happy moments while reading this book. I think I might watch the movie but I'm still contemplating because I don't want to ruin the images of the characters on my mind.

2. Looking for Alaska by John Green.
"Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the war."

I was a little surprised during the first few pages. I didn't expect this kind of story at all... I thought it would be like something "The fault in our stars" wherein I cried so much at the end of the book. I was totally devasted at the end... but in this book... It's more like a surreal experience for me.

3. Memories of My Melancholy Whores by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
"I'm ugly, shy and anachronistic. But by dint of not wanting to be those things I have pretended to be just the opposite."

The first book I read by Garcia Marquez was "Love at the time of Cholera" and it took me 5 years to bring myself to finish it. I bought the book year 2007, read the few chapters and continued and finished just last year. But this book is different, I couldn't bring myself to take a rest... it was a MAJOR page turner and I feel for the protagonist. I learned that since Life is short just do what your heart desires and that Love is something that is just there... you only need to realize that it's there... grab it and keep it.

4. Daddy Long Legs by Jean Webster
"Being rich is such a very external quality."

I was suddenly transported to my Elementary Days. I used to watch the animated series "Judy Abbot" back then and I love it so much! This book is one of the best book about love ever written... in my opinion. I smiled, laughed and cried while reading... (I know... I'm  emotional... my blood type is O). I only have the ebook copy but I terribly want the tangible copy! This is a very rare book in my country. If somebody will "Donate" this book to me... I will love this person for the rest of my life.

MOVIES

I watched 4 movies for the past two weeks because I needed something new, I need inspiration...

1. My Rainy Days

Love story... Did I like it? Somehow. But what really retained on my mind was the "Bullying" scene. Overall, I think this can be a good movie for those who love watching. Somehow, it brought a smile on my lips and a little pinch on my heart.

2. My Name is Love (Thai Movie)

At first, I was so BORED and I wanted to just stop the film and go back to sleep but when the "twist" happened I finally got interested and was able to finish the movie. Overall... just a so-so.

3. Love at Size 4 (Thai Movie)

I'm not a Thai Movie fanatic, okay? but this was recommended to me so I just watched it. Opinion: Interesting. Recommended for those who like "Mild Romance" movie. I like the second couple and the rest... so-so.

4. Tenkousei, Sayonara Anata

Another surreal experience for me. It's not the common "Switching" theme... I guess. Funny, interesting but a little strange which made me like the movie. It reminded me of my old self during elementary days. :)

Music

Music is part of my life. Lately, whenever I'm stress I strum my guitar and practice some chords taught to me by my guitar tutor. My fingers are really swollen now.

I also discovered some great artist with earthy vibes and experimental genre. I sometimes shift from being a rock fan to classcal prim and proper girl to happy go lucky pop and to something new... Since I'm a fan of "Popoyans" I found music from different artist with almost the same music style.

(KISERU)

(Aspidistrafly)

(Gutevolk)

(Humbert Humbert)

This is a very long post. But I really like to share things that I love/like here. I hope you don't mind.

Tomorrow is Saturday, I'm going to University to finally submit my Case Studies, take home quiz and some papers. And then I am free human being!!! Hurray!

Unfortunately, there's a huge storm now. I think the capital city is in Signal number 1. No matter what happens tomorrow... I will try to be happy and patient and understanding. Life is BEAUTIFUL!

Good night!

Things that made me happy:

: Missions accomplished.

: Reading books.

: Listening to music.

: Him.

: Rice cake.

: Vegetables.

: Coconut juice.

: Zumba.

: That we are stil alive!

What's Up: Road to Somewhere (Thursday) and Book Review

 

(Photo by: Angelo Colina)

"She's so Lucky, it's THURSDAY when she bounced bounced bounced on the floor." My high school classmates used to sing me that song (Tune of LUCKY by Britney Spears) when I fell down on the stairs from third floor all the way to second floor... it happened on Thursday after class. 4:00 pm in front of the locker area. I still remember how my schoolmates suddenly stop their movements when they saw me fell down. My most embarrassing moment? NO! I had a worse experienced than that...I was known for my Clumsiness. Nerd and Clumsy.

Since then, I considered THURSDAY as the unluckiest day of the week. So far... I always experience unfortunate events during this day. And I HATE IT but they're TOLERABLE so I'm still okay.

Last thursday... I decided to unwind and go "somewhere". I thought it was a bad idea but taking risk was all worth it. On the other hand because of the weather I couldn't decide what to wear. Sunny and then cloudy and then sunny again and then cloudy and then rainy!!! what more could I ask for? I ended up with my brown Mango top made from silk and of course my sneakers. My cousin told me that I looked edgy that day which I considered a compliment but I was feeling freaking hot because of the silk.

My other cousin was supposed to meet me at 4:00 pm but he arrived at exactly 5:00 pm. Honestly, I was a little irritated but what can I do? I love my cousin so I couldn't get mad when he apologized. While waiting for him I went to a bookstore to randomly check some books and stuffs when I suddenly remember a conversation with someone important telling me that he used to like "A Wild Sheep Chase" by Haruki Murakami.

As you can see I bought it. I had some regrets after learning that his favorite book is of another title. Thank goodness... I already have that book so it was okay. :) I also bought a new bookmark. It's in butterfly shape. Just so you know I LOVE butterflies!

I spent the remaining minutes inside Gateway mall wherein I continued reading Jeffery Deaver's "A Maiden's Grave". After catching up with the story of ourlives my cousin and I felt the urge to eat something. We went to "SUBWAY" and their specialty is sandwich. My cousin knew about my eating habits that's why he suggested the place. He even gave me the free oatmeal raisin cookie. <3

(Photo from: Subway's Facebook Page)

(It was a HUGE cookie!!!)

And then... we went to Cubao Expo! My favorite "Somewhere" place. I visited the vintage bookstore that I've been visiting for the last 6 years. The place still looks the same... awesome! nerdy type! very antique and vintage!!!! The smell of the old books invited me inside and I was very happy that time! I was like in heaven. Oh... that was exaggerated. I know.

I was very lucky! these three books are very EXPENSIVE if you'll buy them in other stores. The owner gave me a HUGE discount! He remembered my face and my happy expression whenever I'm inside their store.

After parting ways with my cousin I went to university just to walk around and then I noticed that the place looked like a ghost town! And.. I ran from there to train station to catch the last train ride. I was so exhausted!

That's right! We were the only passengers who waited from that station. The guard told us to run faster as we can and we did! Walking on my way home was a disaster. There was a group of gay who tried to grab my hair and I freaked out! I walked faster as I can all the way to jeepney station. When I arrived in my room... I literally collapsed on my bed. What a day?! What a night?! Nevertheless, I had fun and my thirst for freedom was somehow satisfied... a little. 

 

Lessons learned:

- Never wear silk in a HOT weather.

- Always check the time for the last train ride.

- Never ever arrive on time when meeting a fellow citizen.

 

Today's Sunday and the bandage on my left eye (because of eye surgery) was finally removed. I jumped into reading the remaining pages of "A Maiden's Grave" and I was able to finished the book today. The student who gave me the book (the CPA) told me that I will not be able to predict the next scene in the book... but I did predicted some scene except the ending. I was very surprised. 

Jeffery Deaver is a good writer that can make the reader never to let go the book until the very end. As for me... I like the book but not terribly like. It was only an "Ah...." after reading not an "Ah!!!!" you know what I mean?... haha. Will I read his other works? Not unless someone will lend be the book... it depends.

 

Long post! Good night everyone! Life is beautiful. I'm looking forward for something in the future. I hope my simple wish will come true. I will believe... 

Things that made me happy:

- Another day

- His reply

- Oranges!!!!

- Finishing "A Maiden's Grave"

- Starting "Memories of My Melancholy Whores" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez (Very interesting)

- Removing the bandage on my eye (Great relief!)

- That we are still alive!

Blog // Goodbye September and Hello October!!!

(I'm with my cousin Ian. Photo taken by my besty Sandy at Fort Santiago Intramuros)

Stress? Tired body? Dry skin? Eyes with no life? What more can I ask for?! September was the most HECTIC month for me and I was dead tired after accomplishing all activities written on my check list.

Three MAJOR Presentations in one month
Evaluation of my VIP Students
Lesson Plans changes every week

I didn't even have the time to celebrate my birthday. I celebrated with my books and laptop while practicing my speech in my room. I wasn't able to absorb the taste of my mango cake.

For the past four weeks... I was a walking machine and my movements were all automatic. Of course I was tempted to neglect all my duties whenever I see a bookstore or coffee shop on my way home... or sometimes whenever I see pretty clothes and supermarkets or... or... or... I wanted to throw away my presentation drafts and sleep on my bed for many hours. I wanted to read lots of books without worrying about my grades in Graduate School, I wanted to go somewhere with lots of plants and flowers; far away from this polluted and overly crowded city pestered by non-stop traffic jams! But... I am not that kind of person. I am responsible, I can tolerate all work related and school related torture (maybe).

However, my body reacted to this stressful life. Dry skin? check! Tired eyes? Check! Weak immune system? check!

That's why, I made a plan this October. That is, not to neglect my health and body.

1. At least 8 glasses of water in a day

My work doesn't really allow me to follow this basic rule for a hydrated skin. This is a MUST. Whenever I feel dehydrated, I feel very weak and my eyesight changes its color... it's always black and white and I feel dizzy most of the time.

2. Fruits and Vegetables

I was able to survived with biscuits and flakes the whole September. I forgot to eat fruits and lots of vegetables. I didn't eat pork and beef though. But still... without fruits and vegetables I feel very DRY.

4. Zumba

This is another routine that I neglected. Before, I used to do this 5 times a week but because of my schedule I only danced for maybe 4 times last September and it was so FRUSTRATING.

5. No Junk foods and Fast Food

I ate junk foods and went to fast food to grab something to fill in my stomach and I HATED it. I wanted to hit myself for being so stupid. I am not going to eat junk foods until December and Fast food is a no-no until November.

My students always tell me that I'm very strict to myself and that I should have some fun by eating meat, chocolates, junk foods, or drinking alcohol sometimes... but you know, If I do that... My body and skin will react so BADLY and I don't want to suffer at the end. So instead of following their advice I do my routine because I know myself and my whole system. I am not a kill joy or anything... I just don't want to add more problems to my problems list.

Nevertheless, I can eat meat and drink alcohol occasionally (Not REGULARLY). I really hope that people will not push me to do things that I don't really like because I have my own views. I respect their views so I hope they'll repect mine too. 

I am going to go back to my routine now. The road to a Healthy Lifestyle. :) Eating what's best for me and controlling myself while being surrounded by a lot of temptations.

Just a thought:

I like the weather now. "BER" months are the best! months that usually turn me into a Romantic Day Dreamer. <3

Have a good day Everyone! Life is beautiful.

Things that made me happy:
- Fresh Coconut juice (Refreshing)
- Reading books
- Him :) (One sided)
- Zumba
- Rice cakes
- Watching movies (Japanese films)
- Japanese films with French subtitles but for some reason I could easily understand the conversation. Am I for real?! haha
- That we are still alive!

What's Up: The Start of Semestral Break

Another Ironic post...I was so happy this morning but it was washed away by something. I think I will be visiting the Hospital again. Just imagining the interior of the building, the faces of the patients, the smell of alcohol and the depressing scene... I'm starting to panic and get nervous again. I don't want to go there... but if I want to have peace of mind I must go and face the future... What will happen then? No one knows.

My first semester in Graduate School is not something to be proud of but something to be remember. It was worth it. I was able to learn more things other than Accounting, I met new friends who are older than me (Professionals), I had the chance to exposed myself with unfamilliar things, I learned how to socialized in an unforgiving and competitive environment and lastly I somehow became a better person.

The hardest part was the process of completing my presentations. I had no idea what to do first, how to present in front of so many people who are well educated, how to carry myself and how to make them respect me despite of being one of the youngest MBA students. Fortunately, even if I am very EXHAUSTED now... I was able to do them through hard work, persistence, self-control and of course through social networking.

Honestly speaking, I want to graduate faster. I'm starting to get more tired everyday and I'm really bothered with something. I may not be able to enjoy my one month vacation in Graduate School because of this. It's freaking me out! really! I have to control myself or else I might break down again... I don't want to go back to that kind of life. I had enough of it. Drama. Tears and Darkness.

On the other hand, I am going to try to focus on something like writing ramdom verses, reading books, studying foreign language, or anything! just to calm down.

Tomorrow, I will face this new challenge in my life. Just like what I've been telling to everybody, to my friends and to him... "Think positive. Everything will be alright." I want to punch myself for giving this advice to them because I realized how hard it is to follow. I'm very sorry. For this kind of situation, this is the only thing I can do... PRAY.

Good night. Tomorrow will be another day. I am hoping for a better day.

Things that made me happy:
- Semestral Break
- Oranges
- Health Tips from my classmates
- Positive feedbacks from students
- Successful Presentations
- Talking to him
- Cranberry Juice
- Writing on my notebook (Stress Reliever)

Blog // I am a "FLOWER"

This SEPTEMBER is not really for me. Honestly, I want this month to end faster. I AM SO TIRED. Exhausted. On the other hand, my inspiration is the only thing that keeps me in moving forward. This inspiration is a person...

This blog entry will be about my name. My students often told me that my name is one of the common Japanese names for girls. Honestly speaking my mother got my name from an anime character that was aired in the Philippines wayback year 1960 something. My name is actually a princess name. While the other meaning of my name is "SADNESS" in the language of flower. Erica is actually a kind of flower but most commonly known in its english name "Heather". 

I don't know if Heather is available in this country but I'm going to look for it next month. :) I want to raise this at our garden. Nowadays, our garden looks so dull. You can only find "Santan" flowers and grasses there. Since one of my Aunt told me that a real woman must know how to take care of flowers, I am currently raising roses . I'm not the girly girl type but I am trying to change a little bit because I am not getting younger. I'm an adult now so I have to think and act like one.

Here's my favorite variations of the ERICA.

 (ERICA DENTICULATA)

 (ERICA LEUCANTHA)

(ERICA MELANTHERA)

Today, I somehow find some peace of mind. My questions were answered... Probably. At least he didn't wish to cut the connection. Life is short... that's why I am trying my best to show my true self. I'm getting tired of imprisoning myself inside my cage. I was able to say what I wanted to say, expressed what I wanted to express and I feel like I can finally breathe with ease. Thank you very much.

Tomorrow is a new day. Happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy. 

Things that made me happy this week:

- Letter from my student Yuu-chan

- Cactus and Roses

- Strawberry Chocolates

-Successful presentation in Marketing Management

- New poem dedicated to my friend (It's about her situation.)

- Crossing out things listed on my check list

- Studying

- His answers to my questions

 

Blog // Fitness Experimentation

Since the start of the year, I've been doing some routine for my WORK OUT time. Yes. Basic Zumba and some Dance choreography. I learned about Zumba from my mother and that's when I started doing it.

At first, the reason why I got interested from it was to reduce my weight because last year I gained almost 5 lbs. I was terrified because my weight back then was the limit for my height and age. Aside from that, I can't wear my favorite jeans and shirts because they were so fitted and I don't like fitted clothings. After 6 months, my body returned to normal and I finally have the waistline I had when I was in 4th year high school. Nowadays, I do Zumba for flushing out the toxins in my body through sweating a lot. After dancing, I AM THE HAPPIEST. I never thought that the day will come that I will be happy with dancing. I used to hate it you know...

So here's some of the routines I usually do EVERYDAY depending on my mood. Some of them were recommended by my MBA classmate who is oozing with sexiness. LOL. :)

And many more. 

Doing them almost everyday is one of the reasons why I could somehow forget all the problems I have. PROBLEMS.

Good luck! Tomorrow is a NEW DAY. If today is a bad day... make tomorrow a good day. GOOD NIGHT. :)

Things that made me happy:
-Him
-Blue eyed white cat
-Eating lunch at school garden
-Sun (although it was very brief)
-Talking to Ms. Che (The sexiest woman I ever saw!)
-Day dreaming
-That I am still alive (Which means... I still have the chance to make everything alright.)
-Exercising

PS: These days... I ask myself... am I annoying? If yes.. I am very Sorry.