Blog // I am a "FLOWER"

This SEPTEMBER is not really for me. Honestly, I want this month to end faster. I AM SO TIRED. Exhausted. On the other hand, my inspiration is the only thing that keeps me in moving forward. This inspiration is a person...

This blog entry will be about my name. My students often told me that my name is one of the common Japanese names for girls. Honestly speaking my mother got my name from an anime character that was aired in the Philippines wayback year 1960 something. My name is actually a princess name. While the other meaning of my name is "SADNESS" in the language of flower. Erica is actually a kind of flower but most commonly known in its english name "Heather". 

I don't know if Heather is available in this country but I'm going to look for it next month. :) I want to raise this at our garden. Nowadays, our garden looks so dull. You can only find "Santan" flowers and grasses there. Since one of my Aunt told me that a real woman must know how to take care of flowers, I am currently raising roses . I'm not the girly girl type but I am trying to change a little bit because I am not getting younger. I'm an adult now so I have to think and act like one.

Here's my favorite variations of the ERICA.

 (ERICA DENTICULATA)

 (ERICA LEUCANTHA)

(ERICA MELANTHERA)

Today, I somehow find some peace of mind. My questions were answered... Probably. At least he didn't wish to cut the connection. Life is short... that's why I am trying my best to show my true self. I'm getting tired of imprisoning myself inside my cage. I was able to say what I wanted to say, expressed what I wanted to express and I feel like I can finally breathe with ease. Thank you very much.

Tomorrow is a new day. Happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy. 

Things that made me happy this week:

- Letter from my student Yuu-chan

- Cactus and Roses

- Strawberry Chocolates

-Successful presentation in Marketing Management

- New poem dedicated to my friend (It's about her situation.)

- Crossing out things listed on my check list

- Studying

- His answers to my questions

 

Blog // Fitness Experimentation

Since the start of the year, I've been doing some routine for my WORK OUT time. Yes. Basic Zumba and some Dance choreography. I learned about Zumba from my mother and that's when I started doing it.

At first, the reason why I got interested from it was to reduce my weight because last year I gained almost 5 lbs. I was terrified because my weight back then was the limit for my height and age. Aside from that, I can't wear my favorite jeans and shirts because they were so fitted and I don't like fitted clothings. After 6 months, my body returned to normal and I finally have the waistline I had when I was in 4th year high school. Nowadays, I do Zumba for flushing out the toxins in my body through sweating a lot. After dancing, I AM THE HAPPIEST. I never thought that the day will come that I will be happy with dancing. I used to hate it you know...

So here's some of the routines I usually do EVERYDAY depending on my mood. Some of them were recommended by my MBA classmate who is oozing with sexiness. LOL. :)

And many more. 

Doing them almost everyday is one of the reasons why I could somehow forget all the problems I have. PROBLEMS.

Good luck! Tomorrow is a NEW DAY. If today is a bad day... make tomorrow a good day. GOOD NIGHT. :)

Things that made me happy:
-Him
-Blue eyed white cat
-Eating lunch at school garden
-Sun (although it was very brief)
-Talking to Ms. Che (The sexiest woman I ever saw!)
-Day dreaming
-That I am still alive (Which means... I still have the chance to make everything alright.)
-Exercising

PS: These days... I ask myself... am I annoying? If yes.. I am very Sorry.

Blog // 10 Critical Questions I Asked Myself

 (PHOTO BY: ERICA)

WHAT DO I APPRECIATE ABOUT MY LIFE?

I used to be DEMANDING… but after experiencing a lot of bad and complicated things in my life I learned to appreciate simple MAJOR things. I admit that I used to be materialistic. I wanted to have the latest things that are available in the market, I wanted to have what other people have but I got lost along the way… I felt like I don’t know myself anymore. I find myself following the directions of other people, walking on the path created by others… I became one of the USUAL girls. Since creativity and uniqueness are things that I enjoy, I controlled myself and tried to break free from the TYPICALITY of ORDINARY GIRLS. Now, I appreciate the sunset, sunrise, the clean air, nature, animals, people, strangers, LOVE, LIFE, light and most of all I appreciate simple things given to me by people who are important to me. I appreciate my LIFE and every single day I have.

AM I SPENDING TIME WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE?

I believe I am spending my PRECIOUS time with the RIGHT people. How can I say? Because I AM HAPPY. When I was spending my time with the WRONG PEOPLE I only found darkness… my life was depressing and my environment attracted all kinds of bad people.

And now that RIGHT people are on my side… I cannot ask for more. I am contented with all of them. I am very thankful that I met them and that they became part of my life.

WHAT CAN I DO RIGHT NOW TO MOVE TOWARD MY GOALS?

Work hard and take plans into action. That’s what I intended to do. Every single day I have is a chance to move closer towards my goal. However, I am willing to sacrifice things along the way to satisfy my happiness and happiness of people who are imprtant. I cannot really say what will happen to me in the future… I do things right now like studying and working because they are the only things I can do. I am not going to CLOSE my door to things that are important… or maybe will become important.

AM I SELLING MYSELF SHORT?

A long time ago, there were people who took advantage of me. I gave all the things they want from me but I haven’t received anything. I am not really asking for anything but even kindness… I wasn’t able to receive it from them. However, I learned my lesson… give and take… but sometimes my selflessness dominates me reason why I tend to give more to people without even receiving the same courtesy I gave them.

HOW AM I AFFECTING THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE?

Positively. I always give advice and words of encouragement to IMPORTANT PEOPLE in my life. I want to help them and I want them to know that they are important to me. So far, I had received feedbacks that I affected their life in a positive way… I am thankful that I was able to help.

AM I HOLDING ON TO SOMETHING I NEED TO LET GO OF?

Honestly, YES. Things happened to me from the past… I cannot easily forget them. The wounds are still fresh… I need more time to forgive people who did wrong things to me. I am not closing my door to forgiveness… I just need time to recollect my thoughts because remembering the hurtful events in my life bring me back to depression.

WHO DESERVES TO BE FORGIVEN?

People who are sincere and have respect to themselves and to other people.

WHAT ARE MY FEARS STOPPING ME FROM DOING?

I have a lot of fears but slowly I am trying to fight them so that I can do things that I want to do and say things that I want to say. I don’t want to have regrets again... because the burden is too heavy. That’s why, I say what I want to say and do things that I want to do… NOW.

Questions from: (www.marcandangel.com)

SUNDAY. It's 4:56 pm (16:56). Good luck everyone. I hope tomorrow is a good day! <3

 Things that made me happy:

- Talking to him casually

- Receiving pictures (I appreciate them.)

- Shopping with my mother

- Friends who support me... as always

- Another day

- That I'm still alive

- That nobody has serious illness

- Cleaning my room

- Rain

- Exercising 

- Happy Sunday

Blog // Acceptance

Photo by: Erica

Date: August 12, 2013

Title: Raindrop

There is something in me that no one will be able to accept (I think). This something is the reason why I always hold back with I want to do, what I want to show, what I want to say…

This something… I have this since the beginning. I am afraid that maybe one day all the people I treasure will avoid me, will go away.. again… will I be able to take it? I remember the times when people avoided me. It was a terrible experience… I asked God… “Why don’t you just let me die if you are going to let me experience this isolation?” I was simultaneously INVISIBLE and VISIBLE.

I am invisible every time I do good things to other people… but I am very visible every time I do mistakes. For some reason, people only notice me for my mistakes. They feed me with lies that I am WORTHLESS, that I am NOTHING, that I am NO GOOD… They made me imprisoned myself in my own world. I created barrier so that people will not be able to enter the world I created… with myself I thought I found peace, serenity… I was the only comrade of myself… the only one who could protect me.

But… even if I was contented inside my world… I felt like I wanted to break free and turn on the light and live with brightness. The constant darkness that embraced me suffocated my soul causing me to be someone who I was not. Back then, when I looked on the mirror; I couldn’t even recognize my reflection… Distortion ate my skin and bones, deterioration killed the life on my eyes, confusion abused my mind.

I asked myself… is this the life I wanted? There were too many questions running in my head… questions that only I can answer. I laid all the words on the table and tried to decipher the problems to formulate my solutions. I focused my energy on every problem I had… but it was no used.  Thinking too much made me weaker than ever before. I became a lifeless human waiting for salvation.

However, the CRUEL WORLD thought me that Happiness is a CHOICE. Slowly… upon realizing this I tried to stand up and break free from everything I built from the time I isolated myself. I’m still incomplete… I can still feel the constant pain in my heart as if there is something MISSING in my life. I am still afraid. I am still shy. I am still embarrass to let myself all out.

I think that this is maybe the reason why people can’t understand me. But I learned that if I wanted to be understood… I need to understand other people. If I wanted to be loved I need to give love. If I wanted to gain friends I need to be friendly…

Human nature is a little cruel because if they see you do good things, if they see your kindness towards others… people usually put colors on everything that you do no matter how sincere you are, no matter how honest you are, no matter how real your actions are.

Why should I care about what others think about me? In the first place this is my life. The realization hit me hard causing me to find the right path; the path wherein I saw the tiny bright light at the end of the road. I am slowly walking towards it and I finally found people who can walk beside me. They accepted me for WHO I AM. They accepted all my flaws and every imperfection I have on my body… on my physical appearance… my outside shell.

But still… I am afraid that the new people I met who are becoming part of my life might not be able to accept this something I have. I’m worried because I want to protect what we have… but if they can’t accept me… I should learn how to let go of them. I should prepare myself for the possible heart break and heart ache that might happen caused by rejection.

If there is something I want right now… that is ACCEPTANCE.

Lessons learned: I should be myself ALL THE TIME. Do not be too SENSITIVE. Ignore people who are trying to ruin me. 

 

Things that made me happy:

-Simple conversation

-Home made Caesar Salad

-One day rest day

-Hot Cacao drink

-Vegetables and fruits

-Cranberry Juice

-That I am still Alive

-True friends

-Another day

-Him (one sided)

-People who are wishing me to get well (Thank you very much)

The depressing weather cause me to write this. Yes, I'm a little sad but I think it's natural... I can't be happy all the time because sometimes I encounter problem that only I can solve.

Good Luck!

Blog // Inspiring Questions: My Answers (From marcandangel)

Working Holiday. This week tested my endurance as well as my patience. It was really a challenge for me to work and study while being sick. I finally understand why my teachers and professors go to School/University to teach despite being sick. Reason? They have responsibility for each of the students their teaching. 

Today, I was randomly checking my news feed when I stumbled upon an article made by Marc and Angel. Since I have time to kill I decided to answer some questions.

1.  What pleasant surprises did I discover this week?

That life is indeed full of surprises. I never really thought that my presence or whole being will have an impact to other people. I used to consider myself as someone who was WORTHLESS because a lot people from the past made me feel that way. I learned from it, that’s why I am trying to change my views in life. I cannot please everybody but I can please somebody. That’s enough for me. People who accepted me for WHO I AM will be treasured…

2.  What lessons did my work teach me that I could build upon next week?

That patience is a virtue. In my job, being patient is a MUST. I should increase my level of tolerance and expand my knowledge to help other people learn from me.

3.  What could I have spent more or less time doing?

I could have spent more time on thinking positive things. I could have spent more time on ignoring negative and depressing people. I could have spent less time on self pitying. I could have spent less time on worrying about something which is not worth my time.

4.  How did fear and uncertainty affect what I did and didn’t do?

Sometimes, I feel like doubting myself is one of my hobbies. Even if my true friends believe in my capabilities I cannot make myself believe in me. I always try to bring myself down to avoid mean girls and conflict. Because of the “DOUBT”… it triggered my stress level to increase causing me to be sick for the past few days. It terribly affected my health and made my emotion unstable (not in a crazy way).

5.  What is the first logical step for next week?

POSTIVE. OPTIMIST. I am going to be. It’s about time for me to do something new that will definitely help me grow.

Good night. I hope to feel better. Honestly, being sick is killing me. I feel terribly bad.

Things that made me happy:

- Friendly conversation.

- Card from my former student. 

 (Honestly, I was very happy when I received the card. She's not even my student this month but she keeps on contacting me which is really nice of her. I love this girl so much. She treats me like an older sister and even her mother knows me. I hope to see her again... maybe on December.)

- Cranberry Juice

- Meeting people from my former high school.

- Double Pay (I know, I know... but we all deserve it!)

- That I have true friends.