Blog // We are WONDERFULLY made

BLACK SATURDAY. I received a message from God...

"You are WONDERFULLY made." This message hit me with a BANG! Yes. I am WONDERFULLY made because the one who made me is WONDERFUL.

Now, I feel sorry for Him because I used to hate myself a lot. My fault, My fault because I was always affected whenever other people say bad things about me. I used to ask Him, "Why? Why me of all people in the world?! Why do I have to experience such terrible things?". But you know what... those experiences helped me to know myself better and love myself more even if I am not perfect. I came to love and accept all my flaws, because if they cannot accept them... who else will?

God never made two people exactly alike. Ever since I was born I was always compared to other girls. I got tired of listening to the same old things like "She's smart... you're not.", "She's pretty... you're not.", "She has pretty hair...", "She's sexy, you're not." Maybe... they cannot really understand that the other girls and I are different from each other. We are made to become who we really are not to become the exact same girl.

We are who we are. If they cannot accept this fact... don't make them. How can you make someone understand who doesn't want to understand? How can you make someone listen who doesn't want to hear your reasonings? You are going to waste your time explaining yourself.

Let's not be envious and jealous... Let's love ourselves! Why? Try to observe the people around you. Just try... you will see and realize how lucky you are for being you. I tried this before and you know what? It was a heart breaking experience... but I learned a great deal of lessons.

I saw street childrens who were begging for money just to have something to eat. I saw street vendors wearing shabby clothes and selling rags in order for them to buy foods for their family. I saw an old man without his left leg and begging for money on the streets. I saw an old woman, naked, dirty, shivering and begging for food. I saw a little girl with a huge bump on her face and I learned that it was cancer. I saw children who have serious illness fighting for their lives everyday... I saw a lot of things. 

Although one can say that I am being dramatic here... seeing them like that... broke my heart and somehow made me feel that I am an extremely lucky person.

I am very thankful for everything. Those people showed me the way out of the darkness and when I finally got out the burden I am carrying disappeared. THANK YOU.

I may not go to church every Sunday but I see to it that I thank Him for everyday, evey hour, every minute, every second of my life.

Physically, I am not beautiful. I have a wide and huge forhead, thick lips, huge face, curly hair, sensitive skin, pale face, flat nose but these imperfections are part of me. It is enough for me to have two hands, two legs, complete fingers, healthy body... because... believe me... there are lots of people who want to have what I have. There are people who want to have what you have.

So enjoy every minute of your life and stop worrying. Remember that YOU ARE WONDERFULLY MADE.

Good Night!

Things that made me happy:
>Strawberry candy
>Vegetable Salad
>My puppies
>My parents
>New books
>Seeing his name. <3 hahaha!

P.S.
When I say "Him", I am talking about God. :)

Blog // Heart warming Sincere words

Today is Thursday and I don't feel like doing anything. I hate idleness that's why I might as well share in this page some of the sincere words that I had received for the past months.

Although I am materialistic, I prefer receiving simple things made by the hands of the sender. I don't really like receiving expensive stuffs coming from friends and acquiantances because it made me feel like our Friendship has some kind of a price tag. I don't like it.

Yes, I know that "Actions speak louder than words" but there are some people who can express themselves much better through words... especially through writing them on a piece of paper. I witnessed this with some of my students who appeared to be not approachable but who are really emotional and sensitive inside.

I think that our Cultural differences, Language factors, Age gaps were some of the reasons why they seemed to build a certain wall between all of us. I can understand them.

I am very happy with my job now because I am learning new things and my view about life is becoming clearer.

I met different kinds of people from different races who speak different languages who can understand basic English. I am very lucky to be one of the people who considered English as their second language, because through this, I was able to communicate to these people who are working hard to learn.

As for myself, I don't have self esteem and these people gave me this. I am very thankful to them for appreciating my hard work, my sincerity, my character and my entire being. They accepted me for who I am and treated and respected me as a Teacher, Friend, Older Sister and Younger sister.

For me, They are blessings from heaven. My memories with them are my treasure and every single day spent with them were worth it. I will never forget them in my entire life.

It is amazing how communication could build a bridge between different countries. Upon realizing this, I immediately changed my opinion about socilaizing and communicating with foreigners.

Memories/Letters/Gifts:

Things that made me happy:
>Hand written letters
>Origami
>Peppero
>Pineapple
>Carrots and cabbage

What's Up: Some Asian Entertaining Video

I AM SO BLESSED! I did something which I thought was impossible for me to do. I am very proud of myself today. I am starting to switch my positive side and I am hoping for the best.




Oh by the way let me share you some videos from my favorite YouTube Personalities wherein they talk about Asian stuffs randomly. Have fun!

 

 

Good Night!

Aki

Blog // 2013. I welcome you with open arms.

FREEDOM! By Flyleaf. I kind of Listen to this song non-stop since the start of the year. I was so into the lyrics and melody.

Unfortunately I can't find any video of this song at youtube. I will be sharing a mixtape here. Listen and enjoy!

(Sorry, I seem to have a little bit of trouble loading the mixtape site but I will update this entry.)

SO 2013 HELLO! PLEASE BE GOOD TO ME.

I celebrated my new year with my cousins. Let me share a picture of us together with my granny (yes, the one with alzheimers)

(From left: Jerix, Renzo, Zhir, Iji, Angie, Kimi, Me (Aki), Older cousin Jen and Granny)

We don't really celebrate new year and it was the first time that we were together while welcoming the year. (Redundant?) I usually stay inside my room because my lungs cannot tolerate too much smoke coming from the fireworks and my ears are quite sensitive from the loud noise of firecrackers, but that night I was on the mood of wanting to experience these things. My night was full of laughter and positive ideas because my cousin Jen shared her work experiences to me; aside from that she gave advices about how I will be able to survive in the real outside world. She told me that "faith" is all I need to bring out my self confidence. I am very thankful for her words of wisdom because I learned a great deal of lessons... really.

Since my cousins wanted something new we bought 3 bottles of Soju (korean liquour) as replacement for the usual beer and wine (although I don't really drink and it's been years since I last tasted alcohol). With all honesty I enjoyed the bitter taste of this Soju but my cousins were like "What is this taste?!" and they eyed me as if I was a freak for liking the taste of it. I was trolling so hard. LOL.

I am not really expecting something big this year but I want to stop the unnecessary idleness in my life. I want to MOVE ON and get a grip from reality. I think I am ready to step out, stand up and walk my shaky legs for a change. I don't want to act like a loser anymore, like someone who was always mourning... I need a change of lifestyle and environment that's why I am a taking a break from my suffocating and stressful life brought by my ex-lover (accountancy) but it doesn't mean that I will not enter the corporate world anymore... I don't want my hard work for the past 5 years to be in vain. I still want to make use of my knowledge in the near future. For now... I decided to do what I want, the way I want. I am going to keep myself busy. Studying while working... stressful? I don't think so, because feeding my mind with knowledge is very fulfilling and as for me it is one of my stress reliever. Through this I can simultaneously gain more knowledge and share my knowledge with other people.

I am inspired to start my year with positive ideas. I am leaving behind the past that caused me too much pain but I will see to it that those experiences will be my inspirations, it will eventually serve as a trigger to boost my confidence.

I will keep my FAITH in Him and will never Doubt Him because He always have faith in me and he never doubted my capabilities.

Happy 2013

Blog // Paint with me "Entering Her World"

Hi! Aki here. 

My last post is a bit depressing so I decided to rest and think for a while to be able to clean up my mind with all its negativity... so here I am with my new entry.

Paint with me "Entering Her World" 

 This is the first time that I did a video for this blog. I was hoping to uplaod the full version but it took me 30 minutes to finish this artwork... causing my movie maker to break down. So I made a "chop-chop" version of it.

Tada! Here it is... Enjoy.

For this art work my inspiration was myself. I'm a bit self centered type of a person right now because I've been selfless for the past months. I gave my all to something hoping for a much brighter future but unfortunately I was not able to achieve my number ONE goal this year. It's very depressing and frustrating because whenever I say anything that I will do... I will definitely do it. What happened to me was a strong blow to my self confidence. It was like I was killed then. I died that day... and eventually reborn. I was on the verge of insanity, self pitying... and I was like "what the hell?! Just kill me okay?! I don't have any purpose in this world anymore... what meaning is there for keeping me alive?!"

You might say that I'm a shallow person. I AM NOT. How could someone who hasn't been there possibly understand? you will only have the right to criticize my feelings and emotions if you experienced the same or the exact same thing of what happened to my life. Am I being pessimistic here? Or bitter? I don't think so... because a person who is full of this kind of emotion is the one who can really translate the word sadness and defeat in what he/she can create with his/her hands. Thru pen and papaer or thru artwork... or in whatever medium he/she might use.

If I am going to describe myself... I am like an arid dessert that doesn't have an oasis and the people travelling around me are dying one by one because of thirst.

If this is my destiny? I am going to accept it... but I cannot do the accepting part... right away. Let's say... it's like I wasted 2 years of my life to something UNFINISHED. You know... I terribly hate Unfinished projects. Work half done is worst than work not done. There's so many "should" and "shouldn't" written in my diary... but what can I do? Past is past... let bygones be bygones... But the past cannot expect me to forget everything what it did to me.

Here's what I can only do... Focus on "Now" let the lessons of the "Past" serve as my guide to the "Future".

Entering her world... is all about going back to what you really are. Doing things that you really love to do, showing the emotions buried deeply inside of you and not being afraid of stepping and moving to the path you think might change your world by not changing yourself.

This is what I did before. There are people who can't accept me for who I really am and most of them acted as if they were envious of how I can entirely embrace my flaws. They used to pull me down whenever a great positive constructive remark was given upon me. But you know the more I noticed how they focus their attention on me the more I realized that I can actually affect their life somehow... and I was hoping that someday they will see the positive side of me.

Some of my works are grotesque-like having a dark theme. I love using black and white because the 2 colors show how Ironic my personality is. They are simple, neutral but very dramatic. My entire being can be decipher by looking at my works. I am a very sensitive and emotional when it comes to art and literature. I have a BIG heart for them... because when I thought the world want to barfed me out... They've became my saviour in order for the world to realize that I am an asset... somehow.

I am also thankful to my parents. Yes. Chihiro from "The Lake" by Banana Yoshimoto is correct. PARENTS ARE ABSOLUTE. I can sacrifice my entire being for them. I know, If ever my mom read this entry she might thought how ironic my words and my actions are. I am not showy with my feelings, I tend to write and write them in my diary but God knows how much I treasure them... because they are the only people who accepted me for who I really am.. And even if every single person in the wordl turn their back on me... I know that my parents will embrace me protectively.

Well yeah. This is a long entry... forgive me.... ^^v
HAVE  A NICE DAY.

Blog // I went home defeated

I don't know where to start. I have so much to say but I can't find the right words to express what happened to me.

First of all, one of my dreams that will serve as a door to my other dreams was shattered into million pieces. I cannot just paste or glued those pieces together. It seemed like I've wasted my 2 years of working so hard to achieve my goal. I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I sacrificed lots of thing; my happiness, my hobbies, my body, my health and every tiny little cell of me ,but those were nothing. They are not enough to achieve it. I feel like crying whenever I remember how much I wanted to be where I wanted to be during those days. My heart is aching whenever I repeated the scenes wherein I almost detached my soul from my body in order to achieve that goal. I am disappointed with myself for disappointing my parents. I am mad with myself for giving too much happiness to the antagonist of my life. I am too kind, you know that... because twice this year I have given them the joy to laugh at me and to insult me behind my back.

... but this is too much. My confidence level is hitting negative now. I have nothing left inside of me. I am so ashamed to face other people because of the frustrations caused by what happened to me. I am like a child who is very afraid of what might happen in the not too near future. I don't know how am I going to start. How should I start from the beginning if that beginning is blurry in my vision? How am I suppossed to take a step forward if there's a wall hindering my path? what should I do now?

I just want to stop for a while. Take a deep breath and do what I want to do. To read what I want to read and to draw my emotions on a piece of paper and share it to the whole wide world. Maybe in that way... the burden on my shoulders would subside little bit. I know that 2012 is not my year... but I am not going to give up. I know that someday that goal... I will be able to reach it for sure. All I needed is perseverance and trust on Him. Because no matter what happens... even if every single person will turn their back on me... He will be always there to guide me. I know it.

Aki

What's Up: I am against Myself.

These past few days I noticed that I seemed to be lacking in self control. I tend to do things that I shouldn't be doing, but no matter how hard I tried to subconciously scold myself , my mind didn't want to listen.

Sigh. I am in the middle of reviewing for a MAJOR EXAMINATION.... but look... instead of focusing on absorbing the information that are waiting to be absorb I am here writing my thoughts.

Suffocated. I am. I don't know how am I going to release the burden, the imaginary blocks that I am carrying on my shoulders... I am scared to what might happen to me in the future... I have lots of worries that are eating me up! reason why I can't focus on what's "NOW".

That is the problem. Instead of being in "NOW" I am trying to jump ahead of time... the "Future"; and because of that I tend to neglect what's happening to me in "NOW". I know the "should be" and the consequences of not doing them but I can't really explain why am I doing these time consuming things.

Have you ever felt like you're in the middle of nowhere? Or maybe you're in a crowded place and you are the stranger among the rest? I feel like I am LOST. I am nowhere to be found. I am nowhere. I am nothing. Not even a single cell.

Self pitying. I should stop this. My friends were scolding me. They said that I should stop being a pessimist once and for all. But how? Should I start from scratch? Should I act as if I don't feel anything? I've been there and I hated that kind of life. All those pretenses that made me more suffocated, that triggered my insomnia. Sleepless nights were hell to me. I was physically and mentally disoriented. I don't want to go back there. Ever again.

Imagine yourself lying on your bed and hearing the conversation that you had with other people containing all the negativity that causes your mind to be overloaded with worries. It is as if you wanted to bang your head on the wall until you pass out.

On the end of the day. The villain in my life.... The Antagonist in my own life story is myself... but at the same time I am the supporting actress and the Protagonist. How Ironic.

Prayer. Yes. He is the only one that can help me in this kind of situation. Ask and I shall received. I can even ask for a rain and I know by heart that he will give me springtime. I know that He is always there to listen to me and even if I can't see Him, I can feel Him everywhere.

I should help my self to stand again.